Advance Wars 2 and a Half
by Lord Seth
Summary: Raw, absolute humor contained within. Do not read if laughing causes health problems. Now with positive reviews from a lot of people!
1. Season 1

NOTE: This story was originally posted on the GameFAQs Advance Wars 2 board. This story has been taken from that unedited except for a few spelling/grammar corrections. The different were originally posted seperately, and have been joined together in this edition. HTML tags have not been removed due to laziness. Enjoy the story.  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 1/i  
  
In the Black Hole base...  
  
Hawke: Adder! You're standing crooked!  
  
Adder: So?  
  
Hawke: So you'll need to stand up straight or I'll be forced to put a painful back brace into you!  
  
Adder: *stands up straight*  
  
Hawke: Good! Now let's see what I can criticize Lash for!  
  
(Hawke goes to Lash's room)  
  
Hawke: Lash! What are you doing?  
  
Lash: Um...top secret! Yeah, top secret!  
  
Hawke: If you were going to those web sites again...  
  
Lash: Oh, this is probably a bad time to tell you, but I ordered a deneuralizer off ebay and charged it to your account.  
  
Hawke: How much was it?!  
  
Lash: $10.  
  
Hawke: Oh well. I guess that's not that bad.   
  
Hawke leaves.  
  
Lash: Oops! I misread that. It's really $1,000,000. Oh well, what difference can five 0's make anyway?  
  
Hawke runs into Flak.  
  
Flak: Hawke, I was doing some thinking, and I realized that what's been going on blatantly and completely contradicts Advance Wars 2. Thus, this discussion should not actually be taking place by the laws of logic. Of course, theoretically we...why are you looking at me like that?  
  
Hawke: Flak, you're an idiot.  
  
Hawke leaves.  
  
Flak: Oh well. Might as well finish up reading War and Peace. Then I'll listen to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony again.  
  
Later...  
  
Sturm: Is everyone clear on the plan?  
  
Flak: I want a hot dog!  
  
Everyone stares at Flak.  
  
Flak: What?  
  
Sturm: Okay, the plan is, we all go out for hot dogs.  
  
Adder: ...and conquer Blue Moon while we're at it?  
  
Sturm: Sure, why not?  
  
Orange Star...  
  
Andy: Where's my lucky wrench? I need my lucky wrench!  
  
Sami: You don't HAVE a lucky wrench, Andy.  
  
Andy: That's besides the point! I need it to fix this wall to protect us from those killer Typhoons and Tsunamis I've seen on the news!  
  
Sami: That's just Drake using his CO Power.  
  
Andy: I sure wish we'd had this discussion 8 hours ago.  
  
Max: Everyone! Listen up! Black Hole is planning to attack Blue Moon! And get a lot of hot dogs!  
  
Sami: So? What's your point?  
  
Max: I don't know. I just wanted to share that news.  
  
Speaking of Blue Moon...  
  
Olaf: Where's Colin?  
  
Grit: He's in school.  
  
Olaf; SCHOOL?! He's a Commanding Officer in the Blue Moon army! Why does he need to go to school? When I became a Commanding Officer, I never went to school again!  
  
Grit: Exactly when did you stop going to school?  
  
Olaf: It was in the 13th grade.  
  
Grit: What is the lowest prime number?  
  
Olaf: 42!  
  
Grit: Maybe Colin should stay in school a while longer...  
  
(In school)  
  
Colin: What?! I couldn't have gotten an A on this test! I studied all night for it!  
  
Teacher: But an A is a great grade!  
  
Colin: No way! I want an S!  
  
Teacher: Well, how about an F?  
  
Colin: Well, that's closer to S than A is, so...okay!  
  
Teacher: I hate my job.  
  
Classmate: Hey, are those tanks outside?  
  
Sturm: Surrender immediately, and give us all your hot dogs!  
  
Teacher: HOT DOGS?! We don't have hot dogs here, this is a school!  
  
Sturm: Oh? Oh well, let's leave, then.  
  
Hawke: I have a better idea. DESTROY THAT SCHOOL!!!!  
  
Sturm: What? What's the point of staying here if they don't have hot dogs?  
  
Hawke: Well, think about it. If they don't have hot dogs, then if we destroy the building, we know we won't be harming any hot dogs.  
  
Sturm: Good idea! All tanks, ATTACK!  
  
Teacher: TO THE BUNKER!!!  
  
Colin: We have a bunker?  
  
Teacher: We do now!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Olaf: Oh no! The Black Hole army is demolishing a school! What if it's the one Colin is in?  
  
Grit: Don't worry. The chances of it being that school are 1 in...1.  
  
Olaf: Phew! I was worried it was going to be 1 in 1,000!  
  
Grit: Maybe Colin should continue until he's in college...  
  
bWill Colin be destroyed along with his school? Will Andy find his non-existant lucky wrench? Will Olaf ever understand math? Find out the answers (maybe) in the next episode of Advance Wars 2.5!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 2/i  
  
In our previous episode, Black Hole was in the process of destroying Colin's school in their search for hot dogs. Let's see what's happening now...  
  
Olaf: Hurry up! We've got to save Colin!  
  
Grit: ...and the rest of the people?  
  
Olaf: Yeah, them too!   
  
Grit: Okay, let's get the Rockets and Artillery ready!  
  
Olaf: Wait, you think I'm letting YOU assume command? Don't be ridiculous! I'm the one who's going to fight off Black Hole, just like before!  
  
Grit: Actually, it wasn't you who fought them off...  
  
Olaf: INSUBORDINATION! I sentence you to...to...oh, I'm not good at thinking of punishments! Punish yourself, and I'll get back to you later! All right, let's get the whole army ready! This should take only 1 day.  
  
Grit: But one day is too late!  
  
Olaf: Fine then! Two days!  
  
Grit: No, one day is okay...  
  
Back at the (destroyed) school...  
  
Lash: Haha! We now have all of you students...and teachers...and principals...and COs surrounded!   
  
Adder: COs?  
  
Flak: Yeah! Isn't that kid over there Colin?  
  
Sturm: You're right! Take him prisoner! NOW!  
  
Flak: Hey, wait a minute, Lash...you said COs. That's plural. There's only Colin here, so that's only one CO.   
  
Hawke: You're an idiot, Flak.  
  
Flak: Genius is never understood in its own time.  
  
One day later...  
  
Olaf: We're here! The entire Blue Moon army is here! Not even Black Hole can defeat this force! Um...er...where is Black Hole?  
  
Grit: They must've left already.  
  
Olaf: What? All those preparations for nothing? Oh well, let's just go back to the base.  
  
Grit: But don't they have Colin?  
  
Olaf: Good point. Let's go back to the base and have some hot cocoa.  
  
In the Black Hole base...  
  
Sturm: Tell us all of the top-secret information about the Blue Moon army you know, as a Blue Moon CO!  
  
Colin: Never! You can kill me or torture me, but I'll never tell you!  
  
Sturm: How about I pay you?  
  
Colin: Sure thing! But it'll cost you an arm and a leg.  
  
Sturm: How much?  
  
Colin: I just told you. An arm and a leg.  
  
Sturm: Lash, find a soldier willing to give up an arm and a leg!  
  
Lash: Sure!  
  
Lash leaves.  
  
Sturm: There has to be at least one dolt dumb enough to do that!  
  
One hour later...  
  
Lash: Nope! They all refused!   
  
Sturm: Oh, why did I ever set the minimum IQ level for soldiers at 100? Where are we going to find an arm and a leg at this hour?  
  
bWill Sturm find an arm and a leg? Will Colin give Black Hole the secrets of the Blue Moon army? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 3/i  
  
In our previous episode, Colin was kidnapped and refused to tell Black Hole any of the Blue Moon's military secrets unless Sturm gave him an arm and a leg. Let's see what Grit and Olaf are up to...  
  
Grit: We've got to rescue Colin!  
  
Olaf: Why?  
  
Grit: Well, it's the right thing to do.  
  
Olaf: So?  
  
Grit: So, if we rescue him, he can give us more money using Gold Rush!  
  
Olaf: Good idea! Let's save him! And we'll do it all by ourselves! But first, we're going to need some help.  
  
(Black Hole base)  
  
Colin: Heh, heh. They'll take so long to find an arm and a leg, in the meantime I'll be rescued! I am SO smart.  
  
Sturm: I found the arm and a leg you asked for!  
  
Colin: I am SO dumb.  
  
Sturm: Now, about those secrets...  
  
Colin: Um, yeah. (must tell him false information) Well, for starters, we have a secret CO named...um...Lord Seth! Yeah! And his troops are really, really strong in offensive, but they're really, really weak in defensive. And his CO Power increases his already insanely strong troops, and his Super CO Power is basically his CO Power, only stronger! Yeah!   
  
A while later...  
  
Grit: Sturm! We have the entire Blue Moon army here! Release Colin and we'll give you hot dogs!  
  
Sturm: Sure thing! (heh, heh, now I know all of Blue Moon's secrets! Conquering them will be a cinch!) OK, OK, here's Colin.  
  
Olaf: WHAT?! There are two Colins!  
  
Grit: One of them must be a clone.  
  
Sturm: Right you are! You have to pick only one to take with you!  
  
Grit: Okay...which is stronger, a Md. Tank or an Infantry?  
  
Colin 1: Infantry!  
  
Colin 2: Md. Tank!  
  
Grit: It's the first one.  
  
Sturm: Drat. Now get out of here before I make you give me more hot dogs!  
  
Grit: Okay, okay...*leaves*  
  
Sturm: Mwahahaha! Little did they know that BOTH Colins were clones!  
  
Lash: Hey, Sturm! I got the second Colin clone you asked for! Sorry it's a bit late!  
  
Sturm: WHAT?! You mean they got the real Colin?  
  
Lash: I guess so...  
  
Sturm: Oh, who cares? I have all the military secrets!  
  
One day later...  
  
Colin: Oh no! Black Hole's invading again!  
  
Grit: Why are they going right when our HQ is to the left?  
  
Sturm: Okay Lash, do we go to the left?  
  
Lash: Right.  
  
Sturm: Okay, to the right it is! Hey, where are Flak and Adder?  
  
Adder: We've barely been appearing in this! We're on strike until we get a larger role!  
  
Flak: Whatever he said!  
  
Sturm: Oh well. Let's see, according to what Colin said, their HQ should be right here. Go there!  
  
A while later...  
  
Hawke: I have bad news. It looks like we've fallen into quicksand.  
  
Sturm: WHAT?! But Colin said that the HQ was here!  
  
Hawke: Maybe he lied?  
  
Sturm: Oh. Right.  
  
Hawke: Any ideas on how to get out of this quicksand?  
  
Lash: Not one.  
  
Well, most of the action has occured in Blue Moon. Let's check up on Green Earth.  
  
Eagle: NO! And you can't make me!  
  
Drake: Eagle, everyone has to swim sooner or later.  
  
Eagle: I refuse! I hate water!  
  
Drake: But it's an important lifelong skill!  
  
Eagle: Hey, I've survived so far without knowing how to swim!  
  
Drake pushes Eagle into the pool.  
  
Eagle: Help! I'm drowning! Ahhhh!  
  
Jess: Eagle, stand up!  
  
Eagle: *stands up* Oh wait, the water was one foot deep. Nevermind.  
  
Drake: Hey, there are some Battleships that are attacking Green Earth! Who deals with them?  
  
Jess: I know! Let's draw straws!  
  
One hour later...  
  
Hachi: Well, it looks like Eagle's drawing of a straw was the worst. He has to go!  
  
Eagle: Whose idea was it to have him be the judge anyway?  
  
Hachi points at Drake. Drake points at Jess. Jess points at Hachi.  
  
Eagle: Oh, forget it! I'll have to deal with the Battleships myself. Ready the Fighters!  
  
Drake: Eagle, they already destroyed the Fighters while we were drawing straws.  
  
Eagle: But Battleships can't attack Fighters!  
  
Drake: WHO CARES?! They still destroyed them! And Fighters can't attack Battleships anyway!  
  
Eagle: Okay...ready the B Copters and Bombers!  
  
Jess: They were destroyed, also.  
  
Eagle: Okay...ready the Submarines!  
  
Drake: Sure thing!  
  
Eagle's Submarines attack the Battleships and get creamed.  
  
Drake: I TOLD you you should have learned to swim...  
  
Eagle: What does swimming have to do with Submarines?  
  
Drake: I don't know, but I'm sure I saw it somewhere in the instructions manual!  
  
Jess: You and your instructions manuals.  
  
Eagle: Drake, you send YOUR submarines to attack the Battleships!  
  
Drake's Submarines attack the Battleships and are creamed by Cruisers.  
  
Eagle: Where did those Cruisers come from?  
  
Drake: Probably from metal.  
  
Eagle: You take everything too literally. JUST SEND OUT THE ENTIRE GREEN EARTH ARMY!!!  
  
The entire Green Earth Army goes out and is clobbered by a combination of Battleships, Cruisers, and Bombers.  
  
Eagle: Drat.  
  
bWill Green Earth survive the assault? Will Sturm escape from the quicksand? Will Eagle ever learn to swim? I have no idea, but be sure to see the next episode of Advance Wars 2.5!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 4/i  
  
In our previous episode, the entire Green Earth army was annihilated by some Bombers, Cruisers, and Battleships that appeared unexpectedly. Let's see who controls them...  
  
Kanbei: Yes! Yes! We have conquered Black Hole!  
  
Sonja: We're at Green Earth!  
  
Kanbei: Well, when I say we're at Black Hole, we're at Black Hole! So this is Black Hole! Attack! Attack!! ATTACK!!!  
  
Sonja: No way! We'd be attacking our allies!  
  
Kanbei: INSUBORDINATION! Throw her in the brig!  
  
Sonja: But...but..  
  
Kanbei: And you're not coming out until you write I will not question Kanbei, the great, spectacular, brilliant, wise, amazing, strong, genius, popular Emperor of Yellow Comet 1,000 times!  
  
Sonja: But...  
  
Kanbei: 10,000 times! TAKE HER AWAY!!!  
  
Yellow Comet soldiers drag Sonja away.  
  
Kanbei: Now, ATTACK BLACK HOLE!  
  
Meanwhile in Green Earth...  
  
Kanbei: It's Black Hole!  
  
Okay, okay, Black Hole...  
  
Eagle: Oh darn. We have to evacuate the country.  
  
Drake: But we don't have an evacuation plan!  
  
Jess: Yeah! I kept telling you we should have an evacuation plan, but you kept saying that we wouldn't need one!  
  
Drake: What will we do?  
  
Jess: Fortunately, I created my own evacuation plan!  
  
Eagle: WHAT?! You went behind my back and created your OWN evacuation plan?  
  
Jess: Yes.  
  
Eagle: You...you...you...genius! Remind me to promote you!  
  
Drake: But if you promote her, she'll have a higher rank than me!  
  
Eagle: Good point. I'll have to demote you, instead, Jess.  
  
Jess: Can't you just keep me in the same position?  
  
Eagle: What a great idea! I'm so glad I thought of it!  
  
Jess: Now, about that evacuation...  
  
Eagle: Don't worry. I've watched TV long enough to know that for some reason the enemy does absolutely nothing while we have conversations like these.  
  
Loud booms are heard.  
  
Eagle: Well, you can't believe everything you see! EVACUATE!  
  
You know, I just realized that we haven't seen what's going on with Orange Star. Let's check.  
  
Nell: The entire Yellow Comet army is attacking Green Earth! Do you know what this means?  
  
Andy: We stay here, sitting on our butts, doing nothing?  
  
Nell: Good idea, but I have a better one. Let's attack Yellow Comet and take it over!  
  
Max: But wouldn't someone else take over our country?  
  
Hachi: Good point. Let's stay here, sitting on our butts, doing nothing.  
  
bWill Orange Star get tired of doing nothing? Will Sonja ever finish writing...um...er...well, you know what! And what's Sturm up to in the meantime? How did Hachi get from Green Earth to Orange Star so quickly? Will I ever run out of questions to ask? Find out next time on Advance Wars 2.5!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 5/i  
  
Last time, Green Earth managed to evacuate while Kanbei (who thought Green Earth was Black Hole) attacked. Everyone in Orange Star were mostly just sitting on their butts, doing nothing. Let's see how Green Earth is...  
  
Eagle: OK! Everyone is loaded into the T Copters? Evacuate!  
  
Jess: But the enemy Fighters will attack the T Copters!  
  
Eagle: That's what you think! LIGHTNING STRIKE!  
  
The Copters move twice as fast as before.  
  
Eagle: See?  
  
Drake: But how will WE escape?  
  
Eagle: I hadn't thought of that...  
  
Drake: Swim for it!  
  
Eagle: But I can't swim!  
  
Drake: I TOLD you you should have learned to swim! Fortunately, I saved a few Landers for this occasion! LET'S GET GOING!  
  
Later...  
  
Eagle: But why did you have 10 Landers?  
  
Drake: Easy! The other 9 are decoys. They won't know which one to attack! I got this idea from the way they protect the President of the United States!  
  
Eagle: What's a President and what are the United States?  
  
Drake: Well, they're-  
  
Jess: Bombers are attacking the Landers!  
  
Eagle: Don't worry. In every cartoon I've seen, ours is always the last to be attacked. So, all we have to do is wait for the others to be destroyed, and then we'll be miraculously rescued.  
  
After all the other Landers are destroyed...  
  
Drake: Hey! The Bombers are retreating! And there's land ahead!  
  
Eagle: Aha! Just as I thought! The Bombers ran out of fuel and retreated!  
  
Jess: Really? Then you sure did a great imitation of crying like a puppy back there.  
  
Eagle: I'd reprimand you, except for the fact that we need to figure out where we've landed.  
  
Jess: It's Blue Moon!  
  
Eagle: How'd you know?  
  
Jess points to a sign that says Welcome to Blue Moon!  
  
Eagle: Oh well. Maybe we can get some help from Olaf. No, scratch that. Olaf probably needs help himself.  
  
bHave I run out of questions to ask? Will I think of more next time? Why am I asking THESE kind of questions? Find out next time, in Advance Wars 2.5!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 6/i  
  
Last episode, Eagle, Jess, and Drake managed to make it to Blue Moon. Let's check on Sturm...  
  
Sturm: Is it just me, or is this quicksand working really slowly?  
  
Lash: I'll say! It's been more than 2 episodes since we've even appeared, and we have barely sunk any deeper!  
  
Sturm: There's only one thing to do!  
  
Hawke: What?  
  
Sturm: Steal the script and rewrite it!  
  
Hawke: ...  
  
Sturm: What?  
  
Hawke: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard! But I'm desperate, so I'll try it.  
  
Flak: Wait a minute, that won't work.  
  
Hawke: Where'd you come from?  
  
Adder: We were still on strike, but we came to see if we would be getting better parts, and we fell into this quicksand.  
  
Sturm: In any case, that script idea is great! Wait a minute...how are we going to get out of the quicksand to do that?  
  
Lash: Good point...  
  
Flak: That's what I was just going to say!  
  
Adder: I know! Let's take all the hot dogs and put them together to make a rope, then use it to get out of here!  
  
Sturm: NOOOOO!!!! Not the hot dogs! Ha! You can't take them away from me! I'll eat them all first!  
  
Many, many, MANY hot dogs later...  
  
Sturm: Ha! I ate all the hot dogs! You'll never use them to free us! Oh no! I'm sinking more rapidly!!  
  
Lash: That's because of your increased weight.  
  
Adder: Well, I took some hot dogs from Sturm, and let's use them to free ourselves.  
  
Sturm: NOOO! LET ME EAT THEM!  
  
Adder: I'll let you eat them after we escape.  
  
Sturm: OK.  
  
Sturm, Adder, Lash, Flak, and Hawke use the hot dog chain as a rope and escape.  
  
Sturm: Let me eat those hot dogs!  
  
Sturm eats all the hot dogs.  
  
Flak: Have you ever seen anything so disgusting?  
  
Adder: Yeah. Once I saw him in a swimsuit.  
  
OK, OK, let's see what's going on with Kanbei...well, he just completely conquered Green Earth-  
  
Kanbei: Black Hole!  
  
Er, yeah, Black Hole. When we last saw Sonja, Kanbei sentenced her to writing I will not question Kanbei, the great, spectacular, brilliant, wise, amazing, strong, genius, popular Emperor of Yellow Comet 10,000 times. Let's see how she's doing...  
  
Sonja: Phew! Finally finished!  
  
Kanbei: Not true! You only wrote it 9,999 times!  
  
Sonja: Okay, I'll write it one more-  
  
Kanbei: NO! For your failure to count, you must remain in the brig until you write it 20,000 times!  
  
Sonja: But...  
  
Kanbie: 30,000!  
  
Sonja: But...  
  
Kanbie: 40,000!!  
  
Sonja: But...  
  
Kanbie: 50,000!  
  
Sonja: I hate you.  
  
Kanbei: Ordinarily I'd say 60,000, but right now I have other things to do.  
  
Anyway, let's check up on Orange Star...they're still sitting on their butts, doing nothing.  
  
Nell: Doing nothing is boring.   
  
Eagle: I'll say!  
  
Nell: What are you doing here?  
  
Eagle: Well, Kanbei thought Green Earth was Black Hole, so he attacked. We managed to evacuate everyone. And by the way, change your signs. It said we were in Blue Moon!  
  
Hachi: Oh. Yes. We forgot to take those down after we repelled Blue Moon's attack.  
  
Speaking of Blue Moon...  
  
Olaf: The Black Hole army managed to free themselves from the quicksand! Someone has to go fight them! And that person should be Andy!  
  
Grit: But Andy isn't even in the Blue Moon army...  
  
Olaf: DON'T QUESTION MY ORDERS! GET HIM IN HERE NOW!  
  
Grit: But...  
  
Olaf: INSUBORDINATION! You'll have to write I will never question Olaf 100,000 times!  
  
Grit takes out a gun and shoots Olaf.  
  
Colin: You killed Commander Olaf!  
  
Grit: Nah, just hit him with a tranquilizer dart. When he wakes up, he won't remember this conversation.  
  
Colin: Brilliant thinking, sir! So brilliant...  
  
Colin grabs Grit's gun and shoots him with it, and Grit falls asleep.  
  
Colin: Oh, now I don't have anything to do without those two.  
  
Colin shoots himself with the gun and falls asleep.  
  
One hour later...  
  
Olaf: Oh...what happened? Did I fall asleep? Grit must've been telling me all about the Orange Star army in nauseating detail. No wait, Grit's asleep also. No, wait, he's waking up.  
  
Grit: Ow...what happened?  
  
Colin: I don't know. I forgot.  
  
Olaf: I remember! We need to attack the Black Hole army!  
  
Olaf discovers that he, Grit, and Colin are all surrounded by Black Hole soldiers pointing guns at them.  
  
Olaf: Uh-oh.  
  
Sturm: I want revenge on Colin for the false information he gave me!  
  
Lord Seth walks in.  
  
Sturm: Who are you?  
  
Lord Seth: I'm Lord Seth, who else?  
  
Sturm: Wait...you really ARE a CO in the Blue Moon army?  
  
Lord Seth: Of course!  
  
Sturm: KILL HIM!  
  
The Black Hole army shoots at Lord Seth and all the bullets harmlessly bounce off.  
  
Sturm: What?  
  
Lord Seth: Being immortal and invincible has its benefits!  
  
Sturm: I bet he's not really invincible! GET HIM!  
  
Sturm's troops try to attack Lord Seth but he disappears.  
  
Sturm: Drat. And we used up all our ammunition.  
  
Colin: So you'll let us go?  
  
Sturm: Never! KNOCK THEM OUT AND TAKE THEM PRISONER!  
  
Olaf: Where is Lord Seth now anyway?  
  
Colin: I don't know. He only shows up when you really, really need him.  
  
Grit: And we don't need him now?  
  
bWho is Lord Seth, is he really immortal and invincible, will he appear again, will Sonja ever get out of the brig, and what is it with Sturm and hot dogs? Find out next time on Advance Wars 2.5!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 7/i  
  
Last time on Advance Wars 2.5, Colin, Grit, and Olaf were captured by the Black Hole forces, and Lord Seth made a brief appearance.   
  
Nintendo Executive: I demand you free the prisoners at once!  
  
Sturm: Why?  
  
Nintendo Executive: Because if you don't, we'll delete you as a character!  
  
Sturm: You can't do that!  
  
Nintendo Executive: Oh yes we can!  
  
Sturm disappears for one minute, then reappears.  
  
Nintendo Executive: Now free them!  
  
Sturm: Fine *grumble* Stupid Nintendo...  
  
Sturm frees Colin, Olaf, and Grit.  
  
Nintendo Executive: Oh well. Now it's off to force Bowser to let Peach go!  
  
The Nintendo Executive tries to leave in a dramatic fashion, but trips and lands on his face.  
  
Nintendo Executive: I'm suing!  
  
Grit: Man, that must have been the dumbest escape ever.  
  
Um, well, yeah. Anyway, Kanbei has conquered Green Ear...er, I mean Black Hole, and has sent half of his army back to Yellow Comet to keep it safe. Unfortunately...  
  
Sensei: Who put me in charge of this anyway?  
  
Soldier: These orders come directly from the top.  
  
Sensei: Kanbei?  
  
Soldier: Some guy named Lord Seth.  
  
Sensei: Ah.  
  
Unfortunately, Yellow Comet has been conquered by Orange Star in the meantime (guess they got tired of sitting on their butts, doing nothing). Let's see what the Orange Star COs are up to...probably a lot of really important stuff.  
  
Max: Got any 3's?  
  
Andy: Go fish.  
  
Max leaves. He returns a few minutes later with a fish.  
  
Max: Ha! Top that!  
  
Andy: Got any 4's?  
  
Max: Go fish.  
  
Andy leaves, and returns with an even bigger fish.  
  
Max: Drat.  
  
Andy: You lost, so that means you have to do my bidding for 24 hours! First, clean my room. Then take over all my CO duties.  
  
Max: I'm not playing Go Fish with you again.  
  
Okay, forget what I said about really important stuff. Anyway, let's check back at Green...sorry, Black Hole.  
  
Kanbei: What? The enemy has seized control of Yellow Comet?   
  
Sensei: Unfortunately, yes. Wait...what's Yellow Comet again?  
  
Kanbei: Did you take your memory pills today?  
  
Sensei: I would've, but I forgot where they were!  
  
Kanbei: That has got to be the most overused joke ever!  
  
Sensei: No, the most overused one was the one about the chicken crossing the road. Incidentally, why DID it cross the road?  
  
Kanbei: It is just one of the many mysteries of the universe.  
  
Sensei: You mean like how the remote control always vanishes?  
  
Kanbei: Exactly!  
  
Sensei: Speaking of which, where is the remote control? I want to change the channel!  
  
Sensei spends 1 hour straight looking for the remote.  
  
Kanbei: You know, you can just go up to the TV and switch it...  
  
Sensei: No. Too much work.   
  
Kanbei collapses (you know, like they always do on animes?)  
  
All right, all right now let's get back to Black Hole (the REAL Black Hole)...  
  
Sturm: Not only did we fail to conquer Blue Moon, but we didn't get all the hot dogs I wanted! Let's conquer someplace else. I know! Let's conquer Black Hole!  
  
Lash: We can't conquer ourselves!  
  
Sturm: DON'T QUESTION MY ORDERS! DO IT!  
  
bHow can Black Hole conquer itself? Will Sensei ever find the remote? Will Green Earth ever get their country back? Will Yellow Comet ever get THEIR country back? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 8/i  
  
In our previous episode...a lot of stuff happened. Most of it had to do with conquering.  
  
In the brig of one of the Yellow Comet's Battleships...  
  
Sonja: Phew! It took forever, but I finally managed to write I will not question Kanbei, the great, spectacular, brilliant, wise, amazing, strong, genius, popular Emperor of Yellow Comet all those times. Maybe I can come out now. Hello? Anyone out there? Hello? Hello?  
  
Meanwhile, on another Battleship...  
  
Kanbei: Uh-oh! That Battleship's anchor came loose and it's floating away. What should we do?  
  
Sensei: Who cares? No one's on it.  
  
Kanbei: Good point.  
  
On said Battleship...  
  
Sonja: Hello? Hello? Anyone there? Hello? Anyone?  
  
In Black Hole...  
  
Sturm: Are you done conquering Black Hole?  
  
Flak: I have a better idea! Let's conquer Orange Star! They sent their whole army to conquer Yellow Comet.  
  
Sturm: Excellent idea. I'm so happy Hawke thought of it.  
  
A short while later...  
  
Adder: Dang. We can't conquer Orange Star.  
  
Hawke: Why?  
  
Adder: Because Blue Moon conquered it.  
  
Sturm: Then let's conquer Blue Moon! SEND THE ENTIRE ARMY!!!  
  
So Black Hole goes and conquers Blue Moon.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Eagle: Well, Yellow Comet conquered Green Earth. And Orange Star conquered Yellow Comet. And Blue Moon conquered Orange Star. And Black Hole conquered Blue Moon. Let's go and conquer Black Hole.  
  
Drake: But our army was destroyed, remember?  
  
Eagle: Who cares? We'll just make a NEW army. I mean, how long could that take?  
  
1 year later...  
  
Eagle: Phew! We're finally 1/100 done.  
  
Drake: Oh, forget it. Black Hole is vulnerable without its army, so let's go conquer it.  
  
So Green Earth conquers Black Hole, which conquered Blue Moon, which conquered Orange Star, which conquered Yellow Comet, which conquered Green Earth.  
  
Colin: OK, OK, at one point this was funny, but right now it's just stupid.  
  
Olaf: Good point. Let's just go back to Blue Moon and take it back.  
  
Meanwhile, in Blue Moon...  
  
Sturm: Let's go back to Black Hole. I don't like the fact Green Earth is in control of it.  
  
In Black Hole...  
  
Eagle: I don't like Black Hole. It's too black. Let's return to Green Earth.  
  
Well, you can probably figure out the rest. All the armies return to their home countries and celebrate for absolutely no reason.  
  
Drake: Great news, Eagle! We're now 2/100 done with the new army!  
  
Kanbei: Sorry about thinking you were Black Hole. No hard feelings?  
  
Drake: You destroyed our entire army and nearly killed us! You think we'll forgive you?!  
  
Kanbei: Well...  
  
Drake: Well, we do!  
  
Kanbei: Thanks! But I keep getting the strange feeling that I'm forgetting something...  
  
Out in the middle of the sea, in the brig of a Battleship...  
  
Sonja: Hello? Anyone there? Can anyone hear me? HELP!!!  
  
Anyway, we need to keep this story going, so let's see what Lash is up to.  
  
Lash: Mwahahaha! With this super-strong laser, I'll be able to take command of the Black Hole army, and then the world! Wait a minute...I need Chaos Emeralds to use it? Where'd this come from anyway? *rummages around some* Oh, wait, this was the laser from Sonic Adventure 2? Drats. Oh well, I'm certain I can get an alternative source of energy.  
  
Later...  
  
1,000,000,000 hamsters are all running on wheels, supplying power to the laser.  
  
Lash: Yes! Yes! Now I can conquer Black Hole! Wait, which button shoots anyway?  
  
Lash pushes the red button, then the blue button. The red button points the laser toward her, and the blue button fires it. Lash is disintegrated.  
  
Adder: I wonder what this cannon is for?  
  
Adder presses the blue button and is disintegrated.  
  
Adder: Nuts.  
  
Lash(?!) comes in.  
  
Lash clone: Mwahahaha! Now that I've finished off the original Lash, I can take her place! And no one will suspect a thing! Well, no need for this laser anymore. Maybe I'll sell it on eBay.  
  
Sturm: Lash, where's Adder?  
  
Lash (really the clone): Disintegrated into a pile of ashes?  
  
Sturm: Well, tell me if you see him.  
  
Orange Star...  
  
Andy: Woohoo! I won a giant laser off eBay! Well, there's still half a minute to go, but what are the chances someone will outbid me?  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Colin: That laser is mine! *Enters a higher bid than Andy's* Ha! Now I own the giant laser and can do what I want with it!  
  
Grit: What are you going to do with it?  
  
Colin: Probably nothing. I just wanted to outbid Andy.  
  
Speaking of Andy...  
  
Andy: WHAT?! Colin outbid me! From this day forward, I will not stop until I have brought horrible revenge upon him!  
  
bWill Andy get revenge on Colin? Can this story get any more pointless and idiotic? Why do I always ask such silly questions? In case you're even interested in this anymore, tune in next time for Advance Wars 2.5!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 9/i  
  
In our last episode, Colin outbid Andy on a giant laser on eBay, and Andy swore bloody revenge.  
  
Andy: INVADE BLUE MOON!!!  
  
Nell: We can't just go and invade Blue Moon! We need a good reason!  
  
Andy: Colin outbid me on eBay!  
  
Nell: Now THERE's a reason! ATTACK!!!  
  
The Orange Star army tries to attack Blue Moon but are fried by Colin's giant laser. Nell, Max, Sami, and Andy are all taken prisoner.  
  
Andy: Don't worry. We'll be rescued soon somehow.  
  
1 year later...  
  
Andy: I hate being wrong.   
  
In Yellow Comet...  
  
Sensei: The last year really went by, didn't it?  
  
Kanbei: I'll say! It felt like only a few seconds! Hey, where's Sonja anyway?  
  
In the brig of an abandoned Battleship 10,000 miles from anyone...  
  
Sonja: I hate my life.  
  
Back in Yellow Comet...  
  
Kanbei: Oh well. I'm certain she'll turn up soon. I mean, it's not like we haven't seen her for over 2 years, right?  
  
Sensei: Don't ask me. I have a bad memory.   
  
Kanbei: I know.  
  
Sensei: Wait...what were we talking about again?  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Hachi: So I'm now leader of Orange Star? Cool!  
  
Soldier: Now, sir, being leader is a very big responsibility-  
  
Hachi: I declare myself president-for-life! And I'm abolishing Congress and the Supreme Court!  
  
Soldier: We don't HAVE a Congress or a Supreme Court!  
  
Hachi: That's besides the point! I'm President-for-life until I'm dead!  
  
Soldier: That can be arranged...*shoots Hachi*  
  
Citizen: Down with the tyrant! Now we're going to form our own, democratically elected government! Down with King George III!  
  
Citizen 2: Who's King George III?  
  
Citizen 1: Enh.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Where IS Adder? He's been missing for a while.  
  
Lash: Don't ask me.   
  
Sturm: You can make clones, right?  
  
Lash: Yes...  
  
Sturm: Then make me an Adder clone!  
  
Lash: Coming right up, sir! It'll be a perfect copy! It won't be like that Colin clone I made earlier! You won't even be able to tell the difference between this and the real Adder!  
  
(One hour later)  
  
Adder clone: Why do I have such large blanks in my memory...I can't remember anything that happened for the last year!  
  
Sturm: Hmmm...let's see if you're just like the real Adder.  
  
(A short time later)  
  
Sturm: So you hate Flak, Lash, Hawke, and me, and you're planning to kill me, right?  
  
Adder: Yep.  
  
Sturm: Great job, Lash! Unfortunately, this Adder seems a bit too truthful. Can you make another one a little more deceitful?  
  
Lash: Can do! *takes out a gun and shoots Adder with it, and he turns to ash*  
  
(A short time later)  
  
Lash: What do you think of THIS Adder?  
  
Adder: Adder? I'm not Adder. My name is Vapor.  
  
Sturm: Too deceitful! Find one between the two!  
  
Lash: Okay, okay... *turns this Adder into ash also*  
  
bWill Lash ever find an Adder just like the one? What will Orange Star be like in a democracy? Will the Orange Star COs ever be freed? Find out next time, on the next increasingly pointless episode of Advance Wars 2.5!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5, Part 10/i  
  
In our previous episode, Lash tried to make an Adder clone to replace the now-disintegrated Adder. But, unfortunately, she seems to be having a little trouble on how deceitful he is...  
  
Lash: How's this one?  
  
Sturm: Too truthful. Next!  
  
Lash whips out a raygun and hits the Adder clone with it, turning him into dust.  
  
Lash: This one?  
  
Sturm: Too deceitful! Next!  
  
MANY Adders later...  
  
Sturm: Perfect! I'll take him!  
  
Lash: Any more clones you want? My cloning is now fine-tuned perfectly!  
  
Sturm: No. But I'll tell you if I want one.  
  
Sturm leaves.  
  
Lash: Little does he know that I'm really a clone of Lash, and I've killed the real Lash...mwahahahaha! It's only a matter of time until I replace them all with clones...I think I'll try Hachi next...  
  
Meanwhile in Orange Star...  
  
Newsperson: Chaos in the streets! Anarchy reigns! Hachi resumes control! Wait, I thought you were dead.  
  
Hachi: You can't believe how good I am at faking death. Okay, I'm leader of Orange Star again now.  
  
Newsperson: So, what do you plan to do?  
  
Hachi: Being leader is boring! I'm going to get the other COs back.   
  
Another Hachi comes in.  
  
Newsperson: Which is the real Hachi?  
  
Hachi: I am, and I'll prove it! Here's a fun tip: Whenever a clone dies, they turn to ash. So...  
  
Hachi shoots the clone and he turns to ash.  
  
Hachi: Now to liberate Andy, Max, Sami, and Nell! As soon as I take a nap. Zzzzzzzzzz...  
  
Meanwhile in Blue Moon...  
  
Grit: I've got bad news! Clones of all sorts of important people have been showing up lately!  
  
Colin: So? That's a bad thing?  
  
Grit: Hey, I bet you're a clone! *shoots Colin and Colin turns to ash*  
  
Olaf: Great job. Now we just need to find the real Colin.  
  
Grit: Wait, how do I know you're not a clone?  
  
Olaf: Well, you could shoot me...  
  
Grit: Great idea!  
  
Olaf: No! No! Bad idea!  
  
Grit: Let's see...I saw this on a TV show once. To find out if someone is a clone, you have to get a weird fish and cast a spell on it and chant some weird thing...nah, too complicated. There's got to be a better way...  
  
bWill Grit find a way to tell the difference from a clone and a real person? Will Lash's evil plan to take over the world with clones succeed? Find out next time on Advance Wars 2.5 II: Attack of the Clones! And THIS time, it's personal!/b


	2. Attack of the Clones

iAdvance Wars 2.5 II, Part 1/i  
  
In our previous season, a clone of Lash killed the real Lash and made clones of lots of people in an attempt to conquer the world. Meanwhile, Andy attacked Blue Moon because Colin outbid him on an item on eBay, but Blue Moon defeated him, and Andy, along with Nell, Max, and Sami, were all thrown in prison. Hachi took control of Orange Star, but found out he was better at controlling a shop than controlling a country, so he wanted to free the other COs held prisoner by Blue Moon, but fell asleep. However, Blue Moon has had troubles of its own...Grit finds out Colin is actually a clone, and that Olaf may be a clone himself...  
  
Grit: Okay, we need to find a concrete way of finding out who is a clone and who isn't.  
  
Olaf: Could you at least untie me until then?  
  
Grit: Not until I'm sure you're not a clone.  
  
Olaf: How can I be sure that you're not a clone?  
  
Grit: Would a clone kill a clone?  
  
Olaf: Good point.  
  
Grit: Let's see...we'll need to find a clone of you and compare the two...assuming you aren't a clone, of course.  
  
Olaf waddles in.  
  
Grit: Aha! *surprises Olaf and ties him up*  
  
Olaf 1: Why you little clone...how DARE you impersonate me?  
  
Olaf 2: I could say the same to you!  
  
Grit: Let's see...let me try the magnifying glass method. This worked in a book I once read.  
  
Grit takes a magnifying glass and looks at both Olafs. Both look the same.  
  
Grit: Well, there has to be SOME difference...  
  
Olaf 1: How do you know?  
  
Grit: I watch TV a lot. Maybe there's some kind of imperfection? Let's see the back of your neck.  
  
Olaf 1: Um...why?  
  
Grit: Well, on a TV show I saw, clones always had some weird thing on their neck.  
  
Olaf 1: NOOOOO! DON'T!  
  
Grit: I bet that's our clone, right there!  
  
Grit looks at Olaf's neck and discovers...nothing out of the ordinary. He does the same for the other Olaf, and finds nothing strange.  
  
Grit: Man, Olaf, why'd you make such a fuss?  
  
Olaf 1: I don't know. I was just trying it for dramatic effect.  
  
Grit: Okay, okay, let's try this...Now, both of you say "Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers" three times fast.  
  
Olaf 1: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers. Rubber Baby Buzzy Bungers. Rudder Bazy Buddy Bunkers.  
  
Olaf 2: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers. Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers. Rubby Baby Bugger Bumpers.  
  
Grit: Aha! Clones can say tonguetwisters very easily. I remember Olaf couldn't say 'toyboat' even twice.  
  
Grit shoots Olaf 2 and he turns to dust.  
  
Olaf: Phew! Thanks for getting rid of that clone for me.  
  
Grit: You're welcome. But we have to find the real Colin and spread the word on how to identify the clones.  
  
bMy, that part certainly didn't have many people in it. Will Grit tell the other countries about the clones in time? Will Colin be found? Is this story too pointless? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 II: Attack of the Clones!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 II, Part 2/i  
  
In our last episode, Grit discovered a way to tell who's a clone and who isn't...apparently clones are very good at tonguetwisters.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Lash: Mwahahaha! I've made a clone of every CO! Then we clones shall RULE THE WORLD! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! *gasp* Can't breath...  
  
Lash collapses.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: So we have to find the real Colin.  
  
Grit: Yep. And we might as well find the clone of myself while we're at it.  
  
Olaf: Wait a minute...Grit, you're good at tonguetwisters, right?  
  
Grit: Yep.  
  
Olaf: But how can we tell the difference between you and the clone?  
  
Grit: Good point. What's your idea?  
  
Olaf: All right, just remember this: "Babadoombagoomba!"  
  
Grit stares blankly at Olaf.  
  
Olaf: If I get you mixed up with the clone, all you have to do is remember that and I'll know which is which.  
  
Grit: Er...  
  
Olaf: Good! I'm glad you agree! Now let's find the real Colin!  
  
Olaf and Grit look all over for Colin, but fail to find him.  
  
Olaf: I give up. Where is he?  
  
You think I'd tell YOU?  
  
Olaf: No, but it was worth a try.  
  
Suddenly, Colin comes in.  
  
Olaf: Narrator, I'm not sure whether to love you or hate you.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Kanbei: Sonja! It's about time you showed up!  
  
Sonja: Whatever you say, Dad.  
  
Kanbei: Dad? Did you call me dad? You're not the real Sonja! *slashes her and she turns to ash*  
  
Sensei: I wonder where the real Sonja is.  
  
In the brig of an abandoned battleship some many thousand miles from anyone...  
  
Sonja: Did I ever mention I hate my life?  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Oh well. I'm certain she'll show up eventually.  
  
Sensei: Wait...what if YOU're a clone?  
  
Kanbei: You can't trust your own Emperor?  
  
Sensei: But what if you're not the real emperor?  
  
Another Kanbei comes in.  
  
Sensei: Oh, how are we going to know who is who?  
  
Sensei's phone rings. It's Grit.  
  
Grit: Hey, Sensei. I've discovered a way to tell a clone from the real person.  
  
Sensei: That's nice. Bye.  
  
Sensei hangs up.  
  
Grit: Oh no! It must've been the clone!  
  
Sensei clone: Say a tonguetwister 5 times fast.  
  
Kanbei: Toyboat, toyboat, toybaot, toy...oh, forget it.  
  
Kanbei clone: Good blood, bad blood. Good blood, bad blood. Good blood, bad blood. Good blood, bad blood. Good blood, bad blood.  
  
Sensei clone: Aha! You're the real Kanbei *kills him*  
  
Kanbei clone: Soon we clones shall rule the world!  
  
Sensei: You're right there, except for the 'we'. *kills the Kanbei clone, who turns to ash*  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Sturm: I don't like this Adder clone. *kills him and he turns to ash* I want the real one back. So, using the magical powers invested in me for only this episode, I'm going to mumble a lot of weird words and reform him from the ashes in a dramatic plot twist!  
  
Sturm brings Adder back to life, but by pure coincidence it also brings back all the other COs who were killed earlier in this story.  
  
Lash (real one): Ow...being turned into ashes hurts.  
  
bWhat will happen now that all the COs are back? Will the clones be destroyed? Will I ever run out of questions (wait, didn't I ask that before?) Find out next time on Advance Wars 2.5 II!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 II, Part 3/i  
Last time stuff happened, including bringing all of the dead COs back to life.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Andy: Great news, everyone! I finally managed to open the lock!  
  
Max: Which you couldn't have done in the first place?  
  
Andy: Hey, it had 1,000,000 different combinations! It took me a while to figure it out!  
  
Sami: Whatever. Just let us out of here.  
  
Andy: Oh, wait, that was just the first lock. I've got two more to go!  
  
Max: I'm not sure whether to hate you, Andy, or Blue Moon.  
  
Olaf opens the door.  
  
Olaf: Colin! This isn't the door to the restroom after all!  
  
Andy bursts out and attacks Colin in a bloody frenzy.  
  
Colin: Ow.  
  
Grit: At least it's not me.  
  
Max bursts out and attacks Grit in a bloody frenzy.  
  
Olaf: Well, at least I'm safe.  
  
Sami and Nell burst out and attack Olaf in a bloody frenzy.  
  
Olaf: Oh, for crying out loud!  
  
(Some time later)  
  
Colin, Grit, and Olaf all lie dazed on the floor.  
  
Max: THROW THEM IN THE CELL!!!  
  
Colin, Grit, and Olaf are all thrown into the cell and locked in.  
  
Grit: Oh, great job Colin. Now we're stuck here.  
  
Colin: What? How was this my fault?  
  
Olaf: Well...it's your fault Orange Star attacked us, forcing us to incarcerate those four, and thus had them throw us in here! Not to mention that YOU told us this was the restroom!  
  
Colin: Oh well. Seriously, how long can it take to figure out the combinations to these locks?  
  
Olaf: You don't know?  
  
Colin: I used to, but I forgot, okay? Do you expect me to remember that the locks are 373843, 839383, and 939313?  
  
Grit: Say that again.  
  
Colin: Do you expect me to remember that the locks are 373843, 839383, and 939313?!  
  
Grit: Well, now we can get out of here, at least.  
  
Olaf: Excellent! Thank you! I'll never yell at you again, Colin!  
  
Colin: Then you don't mind I used your credit card account to buy that giant laser from eBay?  
  
Olaf: Why you little *chokes Colin*  
  
Grit: I thought you promised not to yell at him.  
  
Olaf: I'm not yelling at him! I'm just choking him!  
  
Grit: You sure that's safe for the boy?  
  
Olaf: Don't worry. I saw a father do this to his son on TV.  
  
Colin: Having...trouble...breathing...passing...out.  
  
Grit: He looks dead. Don't you think you should let go of him?  
  
Olaf: Oh, why not? *lets go, and Colin falls to the floor*  
  
Grit: Don't you think you were a bit hard on him? After all, he did get us out of there.  
  
Olaf: I was easy on him. I WANTED to rip out his vital organs, but went for choking instead.  
  
Grit: Whatever you say, boss.  
  
Homer: I'm going to sue you!  
  
Olaf: What?  
  
Homer: You took my patented choking maneuver.  
  
Olaf: Oh, come on. I'm sure we have a lot in common.  
  
Homer: Good point. We both have beards, are overweight, have to deal with REALLY annoying boys...tell you what, I'll cut the lawsuit in half. See ya!  
  
Homer leaves.  
  
Grit: I hate these crossovers.  
  
Olaf: How'd get he in here anyway?  
  
Bowser comes in. Grit shoots him and he runs away.  
  
Grit: I REALLY hate these crossovers.  
  
Olaf: How did HE get in?  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Lash (real one): THIS should destroy all the clones *presses a button, and destroys the world.*  
  
Lash: Oops.  
  
bHow can this story continue if the world is destroyed? How can...well, I can't think of any other good questions to ask. Find out next time on Advance Wars 2.5 II (assuming, of course, that there IS a next time)./b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 II, Part 4/i  
  
In our last episode, Lash accidentally blew up the planet. Let's see what's going on now...um, nothing. Everyone was killed. Well, I guess that wasn't the best ending, but-  
  
Lord Seth: Hey, wait a minute! You can't end the story like that! We need a GOOD conclusion!  
  
Fine, fine. The world only APPEARED to have been destroyed, but was actually moved into another solar system, which, by pure coincidence, happened to be exactly the same as the previous one, down to the very last atom. No, really! We're not making this up!  
  
Sturm: We're not all dead! Yay!  
  
Sturm starts dancing around, but accidentally does a rain dance, which causes it to rain. He rusts and can't move.  
  
Sturm: Drat.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Adder: Flak, what are you watching?  
  
Flak: Gilligan's Island. It's my favorite episode.  
  
Adder: Which episode is it?  
  
Flak: The episode where they almost get off the island but don't quite make it.  
  
Adder: Isn't that EVERY episode?  
  
Flak: I guess so. By the way, I went on another of my killing sprees recently and killed Lash, Sturm, you, Hawke, and me, but they all turned to ash. Weird, huh?  
  
Adder: Well, I guess that's ONE way to get rid of the clones.  
  
Flak: I feel another one of those killing sprees coming on...grrrrrrrrrr...  
  
Adder: Uh-oh. Not good.  
  
Adder runs, with Flak chasing after him.  
  
Adder: Why do I feel like I'm in an episode of Scooby Doo?  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Kid: This episode makes no sense! It's just some weird guy wearing black named Flak chasing after another weird guy wearing black named Adder. Where's Scooby Doo? Where's Shaggy? Velma? Daphne? Fred? The monster? This is the worst episode of Scooby Doo EVER! *turns off the TV*  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: There's a clone of Drake and Jess, but none of me! I can't believe it!  
  
Drake: Well, there's that eagle over there...*kills it, and it turns to ash*  
  
IMPORTANT NOTICE: This is a fiction story. In fiction stories, killing people and things can be done casually. But you shouldn't kill people in real life. Really. Honest. For the first time in this story, I'm serious here, people!  
  
Now, back to our not-so-serious story...  
  
Eagle: The clone of me is actually an eagle? Man, how much can a cloning machine screw up?  
  
Drake: Hey, MY clone looked like a weird flying monster!  
  
Eagle: How about you, Jess?  
  
Jess: ...  
  
Drake: A clone! *kills Jess, and I shouldn't have to mention she turns to ash*  
  
Eagle: How'd you know it was a clone?  
  
Drake: If she was the real Jess, she would've said something that started up an argument.  
  
Eagle: I should've known...  
  
Drake: Man, the clones aren't too great...they were supposed to be perfect copies!  
  
Eagle: What are you talking about?  
  
Drake: Didn't you read Parts 9 & 10 of Season One?  
  
Eagle: Season One? Parts 9 & 10? WHAT are you talking about?  
  
Drake: Nevermind.  
  
bHow did Drake know about the different parts and seasons of this story? Will Flak stop chasing Adder? Will the real Jess be discovered? You know that some of these questions will never be answered, but for the ones that will be, be sure to check out the next episode of Advance Wars 2.5 II!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 II, Part 5/i  
  
Last time we...AAAAHHH! *narrator dies, and turns to ash*  
  
Narrator: Man, there was even a clone of ME?! I'm not sure whether to be flattered or not. Anyway, our recap time is almost over, so it looks like  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Adder: HEEEEELLLLPPPP!!! Flak is trying to kill me!  
  
Flak: Stand still! You're making it too hard to kill you!  
  
Adder: If I stop, will you promise not to kill me?  
  
Flak: Sure thing!  
  
Adder slows down.  
  
Flak: As long as you watch EVERY movie featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000...without the funny comments.  
  
Adder: HELP!  
  
Adder's not the only one who needs help. In the brig of an abandoned battleship a VERY large distance from anyone...  
  
Sonja: Why do you keep cutting back to me? Let me suffer in peace.  
  
OK, OK. I was even going to help you out, but...  
  
Sonja: Hey! Wait! Stop! I changed my  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Hachi wakes up from a LONG nap.  
  
Hachi: Phew! How long was I asleep?  
  
Lord Seth: 5 episodes.  
  
Hachi: That short? I'm going back to sleep. Zzzzzzzzzz...  
  
Lord Seth: I hate my job.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: We're finally free! But if there's even ONE more crossover...  
  
Sonic: What I doing here?  
  
Grit goes into a frenzy and attacks Sonic, but Sonic is too fast for him and runs away.  
  
Grit: How do these guys keep getting in here anyway?  
  
Olaf: Maybe it's because of that big, gigantic portal over there.  
  
Colin: Maybe. But who knows?  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Now to destroy you, foul clones!  
  
Kanbei kills all the clones in Yellow Comet, who all turn into you-know- what.  
  
Kanbei: Yellow Comet is victorious!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Adder: Hawke! Help me! Flak is running after me and is trying to kill me!  
  
Hawke: Good job, Flak!  
  
Adder: Once Flak stops trying to kill me, I'm going to kill you, Hawke.  
  
Hawke: Assuming Flak doesn't kill you first.  
  
Adder: Okay Adder, think...how long do these killing sprees last again? Let's see, if memory serves right, on average they last...a week.  
  
Hawke: I thought it was a week and a half.  
  
Adder: HELP!!!  
  
bWill Flak catch Adder? Will all the clones be destroyed? Will Sonja EVER be rescued? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.5 II!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 II, Part 6/i  
  
Last time, a bunch of clones were killed and Flak chased after Adder.  
  
Adder: My only hope is that he'll tire out eventually.  
  
Flak: GRRRRAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! I bet I could keep doing this for a year!  
  
Adder: Maybe I should start thinking up a new hope...  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Newsperson: In other news, all of the clones of the Orange Star COs have been destroyed. Now let's get to the important stuff. My wife and I recently...  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Why are we looking for Red?  
  
Drake: Her name is Jess.  
  
Eagle: Why are we looking for her anyway?  
  
Drake: Because if we don't, you'll be forced to argue with me instead.  
  
Eagle: NOOOO!!! *starts searching even faster*  
  
Jess: What you looking for?  
  
Eagle: Don't bother me, Jess. I'm looking for Jess. *keeps searching*  
  
Drake: Eagle, Jess is here.  
  
Eagle: Oh! I wonder why I didn't notice you before.  
  
Jess: Maybe because you're a self-absorbed flyboy who can't tell a Battleship from a Submarine?  
  
Eagle: Can too! *points to a Battleship* That's a Cruiser! *points to a Submarine* And THAT'S a Battleship.  
  
Drake: I wonder how the other COs are doing...  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Well, we've finished off all the clones. Actually, I think all the clones are finished off, even though for whatever reason we never actually saw how they were finished off.  
  
Olaf: Shut up, Grit.  
  
1 1/2 weeks later...  
  
Adder: Phew! Time's finally up! Flak's killing spree is over.  
  
Flak: GAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!  
  
Adder: Oh, wait... 1 1/2 weeks is the AVERAGE...*starts running again*  
  
Some time later...  
  
Adder: Okay, now Flak is FINALLY done chasing me. I wonder where we are now.  
  
Adder discovers they are now in an abandoned battleship 20,000 miles from any shore (and about 50,000 miles from Black Hole).  
  
Adder: I wonder how we got here.  
  
Flak: I don't know, but I'm swimming home.  
  
Flak jumps off the ship and starts swimming.  
  
Adder: Oh well. Might as well take control of this ship and go to Black Hole.  
  
In the brig...  
  
Sonja: FINALLY! It took 2 years, but I finally managed to open this door *opens it* Now I can escape! *sees Adder* AAAAAHHHH! Adder! *jumps off the ship and drowns*  
  
Sonja: I hate my life. Or rather, death.  
  
And so this whacky adventure comes to an end...for now.  
  
Lord Seth: What are you talking about? This season was much shorter than the previous one. Not to mention I'm not satisfied with the ending! Hey, I'm the writer of this story! I should have total control! Wait a minute, don't fade out! I mean it! If you do, then I'm going to 


	3. Season 3

iAdvance Wars 2.5 III, Part 1/i  
  
There's no need for a recap of the previous season, really. No, really! Well, Sonja drowned in the previous episode, if you need to know.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Our previous invasions have failed miserably.  
  
Hawke: So we give up?  
  
Sturm: NO! We try again like the morons we are!  
  
Lash: So what country do we conquer this time?  
  
Sturm: I say Yellow Comet!  
  
Flak: But Kanbei's troops are really strong!  
  
Sturm: Not really. After carefully examining them for the past 5 years, I've finally come to the conclusion that to weaken him all you have to do is capture his bases. His units are expensive, so less bases, less units! His only weakness is that he relies so much on funds...  
  
Everyone stares at Sturm.  
  
Hawke: It took you FIVE years to figure that out?  
  
Sturm: Yes. But that's not too long, is it?  
  
Everyone stares at Sturm again.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: You know, I'm growing concerned. We haven't seen Sonja for over 2 years.  
  
Sensei: Who's Sonja?  
  
Soldier: Sir! We found Sonja! Or rather, her body. *drag her corpse in*  
  
Kanbei: She's still sleeping? Honestly...  
  
Soldier: No, she's dead.  
  
Kanbei: Am I supposed to start having a nervous breakdown and sobbing?  
  
Soldier: I assume so...  
  
Kanbei starts crying and has a nervous breakdown.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: So how is the new army coming along?  
  
Drake: We're 3/100 done!  
  
Eagle: Well, hurry up! I want it 100% done in one year!  
  
Drake: Er...I think it might take a little longer than that.  
  
Eagle: How much longer?  
  
Drake: Let's see...at the current rate, I'd say it would take roughly 97 years.  
  
Eagle: That's too long! Just multiply your efforts by 97!  
  
Drake: Well, why don't YOU try to make the army?  
  
Eagle: Fine! I will!  
  
One week later...  
  
Eagle: The army's all done!  
  
Drake: ...  
  
Jess: ...  
  
Eagle: At a loss for words, eh?  
  
Drake: No, our mouths were just full.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Kanbei (looking through a spellbook): Let's see...Levitation, Giant Growth, Lightning Bolt, Disenchant...ah, here it is, Raise Dead. I need...oh, forget it! This is too much! *throws the spellbook away*  
  
Sensei: Good news, Kanbei! Using the magical powers invested in me for just this episode, I brought Sonja back to life! Unfortunately, she seems a bit woozy.  
  
Later...  
  
Kanbei: Ah, you're alive!  
  
Sonja: I know I'm supposed to say something funny right now, but I can't think of anything.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Teacher: Now that our school has been rebuilt, I'm pleased to say classes can begin! Unfortunately, everyone will have to be moved up 2 grades. Sorry!  
  
Colin: I'm in the 10th grade now? Oh, I can't believe I have to go to a new school.  
  
Teacher: But this school has Kindergarten through 12th grade, plus a college! It's just a different PART of the school.  
  
Colin: Oh.  
  
A short time later...  
  
Colin: Algebra? Pythagorean Theorem? Factoring? Substitution? I never learned THIS stuff in 8th grade! And we're supposed to know it already?  
  
Teacher: Too bad! Your homework is pages 1-50 in the textbook.  
  
Colin faints.  
  
Later...  
  
Colin: Will you do my homework for me?  
  
Olaf: Why, sure I will! Just take over my CO duties for me, will you?  
  
Colin: Sure thing! (heh, heh, who's going to attack us?)  
  
A short time later...  
  
No one attacked. Ha! Gotcha, didn't I?  
  
The day after the next...  
  
Colin: 0%? This can't be 0%! I let Olaf do this. No, wait, that must have been WHY I got 0%. *sigh* I guess I'll just have to study hard, do the work, and pay attention. That is, if I were the desperate type....  
  
Later...  
  
Sturm: You want ME to do YOUR homework?  
  
Colin: I'll give you hot dogs.  
  
Sturm: Oh! Why didn't you say so? Just give me one hot dog for every question I answer.  
  
Colin: A hot dog for EACH?!  
  
Sturm: Look at me, I'm Colin, who was held back 10 times just because he couldn't get his homework done!  
  
Colin: Fine, fine. It's a deal.  
  
Later...  
  
Grit: Why are you carrying all those hot dogs, Colin?  
  
Colin: Um...er...  
  
bWill Colin think of a good enough excuse? Will Sturm do Colin's homework better than Olaf did? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 III!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 III, Part 2/i  
Last time, Colin got Sturm to agree to do his homework for him, as long as Colin gave Sturm a lot of hot dogs. Unfortunately, he's been stopped by Grit, and Colin is having trouble thinking of an excuse...  
  
Colin: I'm taking all these hot dogs...um...er...for...  
  
Grit: You're giving them to Sturm in exchange for doing your homework.  
  
Colin: How'd you know?  
  
Grit: Call it a hunch.  
  
Olaf comes in.  
  
Olaf: I know what you're doing with all those hot dogs!  
  
Colin: *sigh* How'd YOU know I'm giving them to Sturm in exchange for him doing my homework?  
  
Olaf: Actually, I thought you were starting a hot dog company.  
  
Colin: Um...actually, that IS what I'm doing. I'm starting a hot dog company!  
  
Olaf: But you said...  
  
Colin: I misspoke.  
  
Olaf: Okay. *leaves*  
  
Grit: Sheesh...Olaf may be smart when it comes to military, but when it comes to common sense...  
  
Colin: Well, I'm off to give Sturm these hot dogs.  
  
Grit: Wouldn't it be smarter to just learn the stuff yourself?  
  
Colin: But this is easier!  
  
Grit: But you don't know the material! What about tests?  
  
Colin: I'll think of something...  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: You want ME to impersonate you and take your tests?!  
  
Colin: Yep.  
  
Andy: And what makes you think I'll do that?!  
  
Colin: I have this picture of you!  
  
Colin shows Andy a picture. Unfortunately, the cameraman was too lazy to move, so we don't see what it is. Andy turns pale.  
  
Andy: Okay...okay...whatever you want...  
  
Colin: And I want ALL A's! Or at least a D.  
  
Andy: I'll do it...  
  
Colin: THAT was sure easy.   
  
A short time later...  
  
Andy: I need you to impersonate being Colin and take his tests.  
  
Max: And why should I...?  
  
Andy: I have this picture!  
  
Andy shows Max a picture, and, once again, the cameraman is too lazy to move and we don't see it.  
  
Max: Okay...what do you want me to do?  
  
Andy: Just make sure you get a C or above on the tests.  
  
Max: Got it.   
  
Later...  
  
Sami: You want ME to take Colin's tests for him?  
  
Max: And if you don't get at least B's on them, you'll be in real trouble.  
  
Sami: What kind of trouble?  
  
Max: THIS kind of trouble!   
  
Max shows Sami a picture, but we...oh, you know.  
  
Later...  
  
Sonja: You want ME to fill in for you and take Colin's tests for him?  
  
You know the rest...  
  
Later...  
  
Sonja: So I have to get A's on all his tests...but how the heck am I supposed to look like Colin?! There's GOT to be a better way...  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Colin: You'll hack into the school's database and let me know the answers ahead of time?  
  
Sonja: Yes.  
  
Colin: Why? I already arranged for Andy to take my tests for me.  
  
Sonja: Um...well...I'll do this for you anyway!  
  
Colin: Fine.  
  
Sonja: But...can I give you some advice?  
  
Colin: Yes...?  
  
Sonja: Be sure to get some of the answers wrong. That way it won't look like you cheated.  
  
Colin: Fine. Whatever. As long as you get me the answers. (Heh, heh, now I won't even need to have Andy fill in for me!)  
  
Sonja: When's the next test?  
  
Colin: In 1 or 2 weeks.  
  
1 or 2 weeks later...  
  
Sonja: Got it! Here's all the answers. Memorize them, but try to get some wrong, okay?  
  
Colin: Yeah, sure, whatever.  
  
The next day...  
  
Teacher: I'm sorry, everyone, but someone hacked into the computer network and stole the answers to this test. So, I have to give you an even harder one.  
  
Colin: Uh-oh.  
  
The next day...  
  
Colin: Well, I did better than before. At least I got a 1%.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Colin: SONJA! They caught you hacking and I only got a 1%!  
  
Sonja: Too bad!  
  
Colin: YOU're sure not interested in helping me anymore...*grumble*. Oh well. Better put this picture of Andy on the internet for everyone to see. Heh, heh, this'll be the day.   
  
A short time later...  
  
Andy: WHAT?! Max screwed up. Better put this picture on the internet.  
  
Still later...  
  
Max: Grrrr...looks like Sami didn't do her job. Guess I'd better upload this picture.  
  
And still later...  
  
Sami: Argh! Better put this picture of Sonja on the internet.  
  
bWill Colin EVER get good grades? Will Black Hole hurry up and try to conquer Yellow Comet already? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 III!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 III, Part 3/i  
  
Last time, Colin screwed up in his attempt to avoid taking tests. So now he's trying again...  
  
Colin: There's gotta be a good idea...maybe I can bribe the teachers! No, bad idea, one of them might tell on me...there's gotta be SOMETHING.  
  
Grit: Have you tried just studying?  
  
Colin: No. But that's too tiring.  
  
Grit: And trying all these schemes of yours isn't?!  
  
Colin: How'd YOU do in school?  
  
Grit: Actually, I got A's in every class except gym. I got a B+ in that...  
  
Colin: How?  
  
Grit: Guess.  
  
Colin: You hacked into the computers and stole the answers?  
  
Grit: Nope. I just studied. Besides, they didn't have computers then.  
  
Colin: Oh no, I know what you're doing. You're trying to put some big moral lesson into this story, aren't you? Quick! Narrator! Cut to someplace else!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Are we all ready?  
  
Flak: Yes.  
  
Lash: Yes.  
  
Adder: Yes.  
  
Hawke: No. I mean, yes.  
  
Sturm: Now, invade Yellow Comet! But be sure to attack the hot dog stores first.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Sonja! I just found out you hacked into the computer of one of the Blue Moon schools.   
  
Sonja: So?  
  
Kanbei: THROW HER IN THE DUNGEON!!!  
  
Soldier: I didn't know we had a dungeon.  
  
Kanbei: We do. It just hasn't been used for 100 years.   
  
Sonja: But...but...  
  
Kanbei: TOO BAD! TAKE HER AWAY!  
  
The soldiers drag Sonja away.  
  
Sonja: I hate my life.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Got any Drake's?  
  
Drake: Go fish.  
  
Eagle draws a card. We now see that instead of the King, Queen, and Jester cards, there are Eagle, Jess, and Drake cards.  
  
Jess: Bad news, Eagle. We're being attacked!  
  
Eagle: If it's Yellow Comet AGAIN...  
  
Drake: Nope, it's just Black Hole.  
  
Eagle: Oh. Got any 4's?  
  
Drake: I thought it was my turn.  
  
Eagle: Fine, go.  
  
Drake: Got any 4's?  
  
Eagle: Go fish.  
  
Drake: I hate playing with you.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Flak: I thought we were going to attack Yellow Comet!  
  
Sturm: Changed my mind.  
  
Hawke: Changed your mind? You just lost the map and ended up here instead!  
  
Sturm: Adder, why didn't you take the map like you were supposed to?  
  
Adder: I didn't know where it was!  
  
Sturm: What do you mean?! I gave it to you 2 years ago! How could you lost it?  
  
Adder: I died, remember?  
  
Sturm: Excuses, excuses.  
  
bWill Black Hole actually invade anything? Will Colin think of a scheme that actually works? Will this story ever end? To find out, keep reading Advance Wars 2.5 III!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 III, Part 4/i  
  
CO Name: Lord Seth  
Description: A mysterious CO who rarely shows up. Rumored to be from another world.  
Strengths/Weaknesses: All units have +30% firepower. All units have -20% defense.  
CO Power: Increases firepower of his units by +30%. Additionally, decreases their defense by 10%.  
Super CO Power: Increases firepower of units by 50% and decreases their defense by 20%. Decreases defenses of opponents' units by 10%.  
Hit: Writing  
Miss: Computer viruses  
I don't have writer's block! My...keyboard's just broken! Yeah!  
  
There is absolutely no point in what we just said, but we put it in anyway.  
  
Previously, Black Hole decided to invade Green Earth. Let's see how they're doing...  
  
Lash: I don't think we can get past their defenses.  
  
Sturm: What kind of defenses do they have?  
  
Lash: To get through, we'd have to watch Manos: The Hands of Fate.  
  
Hawke: Manos: The Hands of Fate?  
  
Lord Seth: It's an in-joke.  
  
Adder: Ah. Oh well. It can't be that bad, can it?  
  
Some time later...  
  
Sturm: That wasn't that bad. What did you guys think?  
  
Sturm turns to see the other Black Hole COs in a state of shock.  
  
Sturm (on the phone): Yes, Dr. Forrester? I have some good news for you...  
  
Lord Seth: ANOTHER in-joke?   
  
Sturm: YOU'RE the writer! Don't complain!  
  
Lord Seth: I hate my job.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy (at the store): Let's see...I'd better buy some more wrenches. They cost...$1,000 EACH?! WHAT?! Who's behind this?  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Hachi: Mwahahaha! I've bought out nearly every company in Orange Star! Now I can jack up the prices all I want!  
  
Employee: Aren't you worried you'll be in trouble with the government for being a monopoly?  
  
Hachi: They don't have laws against that.  
  
Employee: Oh yeah...I'm thinking of the United States.  
  
Hachi: What's the United States?  
  
Employee: Enh.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: So, Colin, how goes your latest scheme to avoid working in school?  
  
Colin: I've decided to do it the normal way: Study, do the work, and take notes.  
  
Grit: Really?  
  
Colin: Of course not! What do you take me for?!  
  
Grit: A horrible student who always tries to take the easy way out but always fails?  
  
Colin: Exactly!  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Soldier: Sir! Black Hole got through our defenses!  
  
Eagle: If they got through, they're probably dazed from having to watch that movie. Just attack them and force them out.  
  
Soldier: Yes, sir!  
  
Later...  
  
Sturm: Well, that invasion didn't go well. Let's try Orange Star this time.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: It's an outrage! Everything costs too much!  
  
Citizen: Yeah! The TV I wanted cost $1,000,000!  
  
Citizen 2: And the computer I wanted was $2,000,000!  
  
Citizen 3: And gas has gone up to $10 a gallon!  
  
Everyone stares at Citizen 3.  
  
Citizen 3: What?  
  
bWhat kind of trouble is Hachi in for? What will Colin's latest scheme be? What IS it with me and in-jokes? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 III!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 III, Part 5/i  
  
Last time...oh, why do I even bother with these recaps?  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Colin: I've got a new idea on how to ace tests without trying!  
  
Grit: Let's hope it works, because you flunked three tests in a row while trying to think of how to do them without studying.  
  
Colin: It's a sure thing! I just have to use this brain-enhancer to make myself super-intelligent!  
  
Grit: I'm not sure if that's a good idea...  
  
Colin: Oh, what could go wrong?  
  
Colin uses the brain-enhancer.  
  
Grit: So how'd it go?  
  
Colin: I'm only 2 years old.  
  
Grit: Oh no! It must've backfired and made him even dumber!  
  
Colin: Can can, can you do the can-can, can you do the can-can, can you do the can can can can can can can can...  
  
Grit: Let's see if I can work out a remedy.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Lash: I've got a brilliant idea! Everyone in Orange Star is fed up over the rising prices, so how about we encourage revolt and then take over during the fighting that follows?  
  
Hawke: Excellent idea, Lash. I'm so happy I thought of it.  
  
Sturm: Excellent idea, Hawke. I'm so happy I thought of it.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
In the dungeon...  
  
Sonja: I hate my life.  
  
Guard: Hey, we remembered to bring you bread and water!  
  
Sonja: It's about time. What has it been, 3 days now?  
  
Guard: Here you go!  
  
Sonja: Hey! The bread is stale and the water tastes like slime.  
  
Guard: You've tasted slime?  
  
Sonja: Well, no, but...  
  
Guard: Then don't talk! I'll have you know that I tried the water, and it tastes NOTHING like slime!  
  
Guard leaves.  
  
Sonja: I hate my life. Might as well put myself out of my misery.  
  
Sonja takes out a knife out of nowhere.  
  
Sonja: Oh, happy dagger...  
  
Knife: Happy? You think I'm HAPPY?! I'm not happy! I'm fed up with all you humans. And I'm a knife, not a dagger! The morons never end! Sheesh.  
  
The knife slides under the door and leaves.  
  
Sonja: Note to self: NEVER quote a character from a Shakespeare play.  
  
Knife (outside the door): What's Shakespeare?  
  
Sonja: Enh.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Citizen 1: Down with the monopolists! Down with Hachi! Hail Lord Seth!  
  
Citizen 2: Lord Seth?  
  
Citizen 1: Enh.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Well, I think I finally made something that'll fix your brain up.  
  
Grit attaches a machine to Colin and presses the on' button. Colin promptly blows up.  
  
Grit: Back to the drawing board!  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Why do I have the feeling I'm forgetting something?  
  
Sensei: Don't ask me. I can't even remember my name.  
  
Kanbei: Hmmmm...  
  
In the dungeon...  
  
Sonja: I think I'll make a list of things I hate. Number one, my life. Number two, this place. Number three...  
  
Some time later...  
  
Sonja: Number one million and three, my life. Number one million and four, the world. Number one million and five...  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Well, here goes.  
  
Grit presses a button.   
  
Grit: This should bring Colin back.  
  
The world blows up instead.  
  
Grit: Not AGAIN...  
  
bIs the world really destroyed? If not, will Colin be back? What's going to happen in Orange Star? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 III!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 III, Part 6/i  
  
Last time, Grit accidentally blew up Colin. Then he accidentally blew up the world.  
  
Lord Seth: Oh, great. How can I fix this? Come to think of it, who am I talking to anyway?  
  
StarFoxRocks: I think you're talking to me.  
  
Lord Seth: And how do you keep getting here anyway?  
  
StarFoxRocks: See that warp over there?  
  
Lord Seth: Yep.  
  
StarFoxRocks: It wasn't through there.  
  
Lord Seth: Ah.  
  
StarFoxRocks: So what now?  
  
Lord Seth: Could you get out of here? Please? Before something bad happens to you? Bad things ALWAYS seem to happen to everyone...  
  
StarFoxRocks: Fine. *leaves*  
  
An anvil falls just where StarFoxRocks was before.  
  
Lord Seth: Now I just have to figure out how to make the story continue from here.  
  
Sentinel22: Why don't you just bring the planet and everyone on it back with your strange, magic-like powers given to you for only this episode?  
  
Lord Seth: That has got to be the worst running gag in this story, but great idea!   
  
Sentinel22: How long will this take?  
  
Lord Seth: I don't know. But it can't be that long, can it?  
  
6.31152x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10 seconds later...  
  
Adder: Yes! We're not dead!  
  
Flak: Awwww...I was in this wonderful place with fire and brimestone and little guys in red pajamas...  
  
Lash: You got fire AND brimestone?! I got stuck with only fire. Lucky you.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: So now you're back to normal, Colin?  
  
Colin: Yep! And here's my latest idea on how to avoid studying...  
  
Grit: Sometimes normal' isn't a good thing...  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Employee: Sir! People are complaining loudly about your high prices!  
  
Hachi: You know, the fact that I died and came back has made me realize how much people enjoy life.  
  
Employee: So you'll lower the prices?  
  
Hachi: NO! I'm going to double them all!  
  
Employee: Yes, sir!  
  
Some time later...  
  
Nell: Well, the prices are doubled. Only one thing to do.  
  
Government Worker: What?  
  
Nell: TRIPLE the amount of money in circulation! That way money will be worth less, so the high prices won't matter as much.  
  
Government Worker: You're a genius! *leaves*  
  
Andy: Hey! That was MY idea!  
  
Nell: Well, don't talk about your ideas so openly!  
  
Andy: I didn't say anything about it! I just wrote it down in my computer!  
  
Nell: Hey, my computer accidentally-on-purpose hacked into your computer and for some reason stole that from your computer and put it into mine. Don't blame me, blame my computer.  
  
Andy: Stupid Nell...  
  
Nell: STUPID?! Send him to the dungeon!  
  
Soldiers drag Andy into the Yellow Comet dungeon.  
  
Sonja: So, what are you in for?  
  
Andy: What's it like here?  
  
Sonja: Well, if you can get used to the food, it's okay...  
  
Andy: Have you gotten used to the food?  
  
Sonja: No.  
  
Andy: LET ME OUT OF HERE!!! There's got to be some way to escape...  
  
Sonja: Don't bother. I've tried every way out of here.  
  
Andy turns the doorknob and comes out.  
  
Sonja: I hate you.   
  
bWhy aren't I asking better questions? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 III!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 III, Part 7/i  
  
Last time, stuff happened, none of which really needs to be repeated.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Well, the exploding of the planet put a wrench in our plans.  
  
Hawke: No, Andy was the one who did that. See?  
  
Hawke points to a large piece of paper labeled Our Plans'. One of Andy's wrenches has ripped through it.  
  
Sturm: No, you idiot! It was a figure of speech!  
  
Hawke: No, THIS is a figure of speech!  
  
Hawke holds up a large statue of the word Speech'.  
  
Sturm: Grrrr...100 Push-Ups!  
  
Hawke: Way ahead of you, Lord Sturm.  
  
Hawke holds up 100 signs with the word Push' on them and an arrow pointing up.  
  
Sturm: I give up!  
  
Hawke: If you give the up', can I have it?  
  
Sturm: AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Employee: Sir, the amount of money in circulation has tripled.  
  
Hachi: Tripled, eh? Guess we'll have to quadruple our prices.  
  
Employee: Fine.  
  
Some time later...  
  
Nell: They quadrupled their prices? Better pentuple the amount of money in circulation!  
  
Government worker: Is that even a word?  
  
Nell: I don't care! But just multiply it by 5!  
  
Government Worker: Okay!  
  
Some time later...  
  
Nell: I want you to double the amount of money in circulation!  
  
Government Worker: But we've already multipled the amount that there was at the beginning of all of this by a number so large I can't even remember it!  
  
Nell: Just do it!  
  
Later...  
  
Citizen: Help! I can't breath, there's so much money around me!  
  
Citizen 2: You can't breath? Big deal. I can't feel my legs.  
  
Citizen 3: I can't feel my legs, my arms, my feet, my hands, OR my head!  
  
Citizen 4: You know what this means...  
  
All 4 Citizens: REVOLT!!!!!!  
  
Later...  
  
Olaf: Orange Star had another revolution.  
  
Grit: It wasn't even on the front cover of the newspaper! Man, do they really have revolutions THAT often?  
  
Olaf: Well, let's see how many there has been.  
  
Olaf goes to a war marked Orange Star Revolutions. There are so many marks on it, someone can't tell how many there are.  
  
Grit: Forget what I said.  
  
Colin: We have to make sure Andy is rescued! He can't be killed in the revolution! I may try to kill him or imprison him on occasion, but we're friends!  
  
Grit: He owes you money, doesn't he?  
  
Colin: $110.  
  
Grit: Well, don't worry. Andy's in the Yellow Comet dungeon.  
  
Colin: Nevermind then.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Argh! I can't stand it!  
  
Drake: What?  
  
Eagle: That I have such a horrible theme music!   
  
Drake: That is a problem...  
  
Eagle: How can I fix this?  
  
Drake: Contact the game programmers?  
  
Eagle: Game programmers?  
  
Drake: Enh.  
  
bWhat will Black Hole's newest (and likely unsuccessful) plan be? Will Eagle change his theme? What will happen to Orange Star now? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 III!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 III, Part 8/i  
  
Last time, Orange Star went through another revolt, Andy & Sonja escaped from the Yellow Comet dungeon, and Eagle tried to change his theme music.  
  
Game Designer: Well, how about this music?  
  
Eagle: Hate it.  
  
Game Designer: This music?  
  
Eagle: Hate it.  
  
Game Designer: THIS theme music?  
  
Eagle: Hate it.  
  
Some time later...  
  
Game Designer: THIS theme music?  
  
Eagle: Love it!  
  
Game Designer: This IS your theme music!  
  
Eagle: Well, now that I see the alternatives, I think I'll stay with this one.  
  
Game Designer: And the moral of this story is...there are no morals in this story!  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Citizen: Hear me! All of the Orange Star COs have been killed! We are now free to create our own, non-military government!  
  
Citizen 2: How do we do that?  
  
Citizen: I have NO idea.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Andy: ALL the COs (except for me) in Orange Star have been killed?  
  
Sonja: Yep.  
  
Andy: Drat. How do we bring them back?  
  
Sonja: Well, if you use the magical powers invested in you for just one episode...  
  
Andy: That doesn't work.  
  
Sonja: Must be a different episode, then. Or a different person.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Well, we failed in our invasion of Blue Moon. And Green Earth. That just leaves Yellow Comet and Orange Star.  
  
Hawke: Can't we just try to re-invade Blue Moon?  
  
Sturm: No.  
  
Hawke: Why?  
  
Sturm: We took all their hot dogs, remember?  
  
Hawke: Oh yeah...  
  
Lash: Look at my most brilliant invention yet! I call it the XL21J25JK125JK521KLJK1KJ3JK13KJ31JK13JKL31KJ21K32JKL31KJ31KL31KLKL, or the XL212LK3K3K3L3L3K3K3 for short.  
  
Sturm: How about a short version for the short version?  
  
Lash: Fine. The XL213.  
  
Sturm: What does it do?  
  
Lash: Nothing. That's what makes it so great!  
  
Sturm: How is THAT great?  
  
Lash: It means it has no chance of backfiring and causing any harm to us!  
  
The XL whatchamacallit falls over and crushes Lash flat.  
  
Lash: Once I'm done being dead, I'll need to recheck my calculations...  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Citizen: So, how's it going?  
  
Citizen 2: Same as whenever we have a revolution: Bad.  
  
Citizen: What's the problem this time?  
  
Citizen 2: An evil genius had built a laser cannon and is threatening to kill us all with it unless we give him control of the government.  
  
Citizen: That's it? I was hoping it would be something cool this time. You know, like an evil genius had built a laser cannon and is threatening to kill us all with it unless we give him control of the government.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: You want ME to send troops to Orange Star to return it to military rule?  
  
Andy: Yes.  
  
Kanbei: And why should I do that?  
  
Andy: Um...no reason?  
  
Kanbei: No reason is a good enough reason for me! INVADE!!!  
  
bWhat's going to happen next? Find out next time on Advance Wars 2.5 III!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 III, Part 9/i  
  
Read the previous part if you want to know what happened, lazy bones!  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Citizen: Look! It's a bird!  
  
Citizen 2: It's a plane!  
  
Citizen 3: It's Mickey Mouse!  
  
Citizen & Citizen 2 stare at Citizen 3.  
  
Citizen 3: What?  
  
Citizen 4: You're all wrong! It's the Bombers, Fighters, B Copters, and T Copters of the Yellow Comet army.  
  
The B Copters and Bombers wreak havoc on Orange Star while the infantry drop out of the T Copter and take over the cities.  
  
Citizen 1030303: Is there no one who can save us?!  
  
Citizen 4: Look! It's a bird!  
  
Citizen 5: It's a plane! Wait, nevermind, it IS a bird.  
  
Some time later...  
  
Kanbei: Well, we've demolished Orange Star and conquered its cities. Unfortunately, everyone either fled or died in the attempt.  
  
Andy: So I'm ruler of nothing?  
  
Kanbei: Looks that way.  
  
Hidden fighters swarm up and kill Andy, then run away.  
  
Kanbei: Oh well. Better head home.  
  
Kanbei and the Yellow Comet army all leave.  
  
Lord Seth: Oh great. Now all the Orange Star COs are dead.   
  
Hachi: I'm not!  
  
A soldier shows up and shoots Hachi.  
  
Hachi: Scratch that.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: INVADE ORANGE STAR!!!  
  
Adder: But it's a desolate wasteland now. We'd just be wasting our time.  
  
Sturm: Good point. insert comical phrase here  
  
Adder: insert comical response to comical phrase here  
  
Sturm: insert non-comical response to comical response to comical phrase here  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Colin: I figured out a way to pass the tests easily! Look! *holds up a test with the letter A' stamped on it*  
  
Grit: How'd you do it?  
  
Colin: I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you.  
  
Grit: Tell me.  
  
Colin: Fine. All I did was  
  
PLEASE STAND BY. WE ARE NOW EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.  
  
Colin: and that's how I did it!  
  
Grit: Interesting.  
  
Colin: Now I have to kill you, though.  
  
Colin attacks Grit, but Grit whips out a gun and kills Colin first.  
  
Grit: What's with all the deaths lately?  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Behold! My giant missile platform!  
  
Lash: Wasn't this plan already used?  
  
Sturm: I will launch the missile and destroy the world!  
  
Lash: Won't you be killed also?  
  
Sturm: Nope. I'll be out in space by then.  
  
Lash: Why do you want to destroy the world anyway?  
  
Sturm: Why did the Wright brothers fly? Why did Columbus discover America? Why did the United States break away from Britain and form their own country? And why did what's-his-name invent the whatchamacallit?!   
  
Lash: Why?  
  
Sturm: Because they CAN! Well, money, freedom, and fame may have had something to do with it...  
  
Lash: But I have a question.  
  
Sturm: What?  
  
Lash: Who are the Wright brothers, Columbus, what's-his-name, and what is America, the United States, the whatchamacallit, and Britain?  
  
Sturm: Enh.  
  
Police: You're under arrest!  
  
Sturm: What?  
  
Police: We're the running gag police, and we've been keeping track of the number of times that running gag was used, and you just went one over the legal limit. Arrest him!  
  
The police officers handcuff and drag Sturm away.  
  
Sturm: I'LL BE BACK! You'll see...I'LL BE BACK!!!  
  
Police: Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge.  
  
Lash: Phew!  
  
Police: Hey! You helped Sturm out on his use of the running gag, so you're under arrest too!  
  
Lash: Drat.  
  
bWhat will happen to Lash and Sturm? How will the dead COs come back? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 III!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 III, Part 10/i  
  
Last time, Lash & Sturm were arrested and thrown in prison for overusing a running gag. Let's see how they're doing...  
  
Lash: Guard! Guard! You have to let me out of this dump! I need light! Help! The walls are closing in on me! I've forgotten what it's like to be outside already!  
  
Sturm: Lash, we've been here for one minute.  
  
Lash: Oh yeah...  
  
Guard: Just so you know, you two have been found guilty.  
  
Sturm: WHAT?! We don't even get a trial!  
  
Guard: Nope. Sorry.  
  
Sturm: But the Constitution...  
  
Guard: What's a constitution?  
  
Sturm: Enh.  
  
Guard: You just doubled your sentence.  
  
Sturm: Argh! Why did I have to use that running gag again?  
  
Lash: How much more is the sentence?  
  
Guard: Well, it was 100 years plus one life sentence. Now it's 200 years plus two life sentences!  
  
Lash: I was expecting some pun with the word , but I guess it wouldn't have been very punny.  
  
Guard: You're lucky we're not the bad joke police.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: Now that Sturm is gone, I've taken control.  
  
Adder: This seems awfully familiar...  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: Look at my newest and greatest invention! I call it, The Restart 2000!  
  
Max: What's it do?  
  
Andy: Well, using the mechanisms within it, I have been able to reset the time-space continuum, although only in essence, you see. We aren't actually progressing...  
  
One hour later...  
  
Andy: ...and that's what it does!  
  
Dee Dee: Oooh! What does THIS button do?  
  
Andy: NO! STOP!  
  
Max: Not ANOTHER crossover...  
  
Dee Dee pushes the red button.  
  
Andy: I'm not certain whether to be more worried that she pressed it, or that the crossovers are getting dumber.  
  
bWhat will happen now that the Restart machine has, well, whatever it does! Will Sturm and Lash ever get out of prison? How did Andy & Max suddenly come back to life? Find out next season, on Advance Wars 2.5 IV!/b


	4. Season 4

iAdvance Wars 2.5 IV, Part 1/i  
  
Last season, Dee Dee (who somehow got into this story) pushed a button on a restart machine, and Sturm & Lash got themselves arrested by the running gag police.  
  
Max: What happened?  
  
Andy: The storyline's been reset in Orange Star, Green Earth, Blue Moon, and Yellow Comet.  
  
Max: The point of is...  
  
Andy: It's a lame attempt by the author to avoid having to keep track of the various storylines that were going on. How pathetic can you get?  
  
Lord Seth: I resent that.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: Now I am ruler of the Black Hole army.  
  
Adder: So what are you going to do?  
  
Hawke: Get rid of all the hot dogs.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Sturm: NOOOOOO!!! Hawke got rid of all the hot dogs!  
  
Lash: How did you know that?  
  
Sturm: It's a seventh sense for me.  
  
Lash: What's the sixth sense?  
  
Sturm: I see dead people.  
  
Lash: I'm sorry I asked.  
  
Sturm: I see dead people...all the time.  
  
Lash: I'm REALLY sorry I asked.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sonja: The Black Hole army is invading!  
  
Kanbei: Who cares?  
  
Sonja: What do you mean? If they conquer Yellow Comet, we're all doomed!  
  
Kanbei: Good point. Send Sensei.  
  
Some time later...  
  
Soldier: Aren't we supposed to be at a battle or something, sir?  
  
Sensei: We were supposed to have a battle?  
  
Soldier: How bad IS your memory?  
  
Sensei: What were we talking about?  
  
Soldier: Forget I asked.  
  
Sensei: Forget what?  
  
Soldier: Thank you!  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: I have terrible news!  
  
Grit: What?  
  
Olaf: An anime character convention is meeting in Blue Moon!  
  
Grit: So?  
  
Olaf: They're planning to conquer us all!  
  
Grit: So?  
  
Olaf: So we'll all be enslaved!  
  
Grit: So?  
  
Olaf: So bad stuff will happen!  
  
Grit: So?  
  
Olaf: STOP ASKING QUESTIONS! Just infiltrate the place and find out their plans, and stop them!  
  
Grit: But I don't look like an anime character!  
  
Olaf: It's easy! Just put giant contact lenses in your eyes and somehow make your mouth really big when you talk.  
  
Grit: Easy for you to say.  
  
Olaf: DO IT OR YOU'RE FIRED!  
  
Grit: Fine, Frosty.  
  
Olaf: Frosty?! Is that how you address your superior?!  
  
Grit: ...  
  
Olaf: No, really, is it? I honestly don't know.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Drake: We don't get enough screen time.  
  
Jess: We're not on a screen.  
  
Drake: It's a figure of speech.  
  
Jess: No, THIS-  
  
Drake: No. I don't want to go through that joke again.  
  
Jess: Well, there's got to be SOMETHING to do...  
  
Drake: Why does it matter?  
  
Jess: Do you want to be in this story? Because the most we've gotten lately is Eagle trying to get his theme music changed.  
  
Drake: How about we attack Orange Star?  
  
Jess: Are we really THAT desperate?  
  
Drake: No. Let's go for Black Hole instead.  
  
Jess: Fine.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Flak: Bad news! The Green Earth army is attacking!  
  
Hawke: Who are they being led by?  
  
Flak: The Green Earth COs, of course!  
  
Hawke: I meant WHICH Commanding Officer?  
  
Flak: All of them!  
  
Hawke: I should have known.  
  
Flak: Yeah, you should have.  
  
Hawke: Hey, don't criticize my intelligence when your own is that of an ape!  
  
Flak: I'm not going to take this abuse. *leaves*  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: So are you ready to infiltrate the anime character's convention?  
  
Grit: Sure. But do I REALLY have to be dressed up like this?  
  
Grit is dressed up (badly) like an anime character whose name escapes me (you know, the skinny one?).  
  
Olaf: Fine! Now go!  
  
Later...  
  
Receptionist: What's your name?  
  
Grit: insert name of what's-his-name here  
  
Receptionist: You don't look like insert name here.  
  
Grit: So can I go through?  
  
Receptionist: Sure!  
  
Grit enters and sees lots of anime characters.  
  
Grit: Hmmmmm...  
  
A while later...  
  
Grit: Well, we no longer have to fear the anime characters taking over.  
  
Olaf: Why?  
  
Grit: I arranged for people to work really hard to take out as many things from the shows as possible when they're brought to the US.  
  
Lord Seth: And THAT's why animes are always chopped up when brought from Japan to the US!  
  
Olaf: Brilliant, Grit! But I have one question.  
  
Grit: What?  
  
Olaf: What's the US?  
  
Grit: The United States.  
  
Running Gag Police: Darn. I was hoping we would make an arrest. *leaves*  
  
Grit: What just happened?  
  
Olaf: I don't know. But what are the United States?  
  
Grit: A country in North America.  
  
Olaf: What's North America?  
  
Grit: A continent on Earth.  
  
Olaf: What's Earth?  
  
Grit: Another planet.  
  
Olaf: Ah.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Lash: Well Sturm, we should be able to escape now.  
  
Sturm: Let me guess, we escape using something at least 1000 people have escaped previously with?  
  
Lash: Exactly.   
  
Sturm: ...which will never be revealed for some lame reason?  
  
Lash: Yep. The interupption should be starting about  
  
WE INTERUPPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM WITH AN ADVERTISEMENT.  
  
Lord Seth: Hello everyone! This is a conveniently placed advertisement for Advance Wars! So, um, be sure to get it! And maybe Advance Wars 2 while you're at it! Thank you!  
  
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO OUR STORY, AND WE CONVENIENTLY MISSED THE ESCAPE.  
  
Sturm: Well, we're out now. Now what?  
  
Lash notices two dozen guard dogs running at them.  
  
Lash: Let's run screaming?  
  
Sturm: Great idea!  
  
Lash and Sturm (while running): AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
bAm I so tired that I can't even think of any more questions to ask? Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.5 IV!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 IV, Part 2/i  
  
What? Why should I have to fill you in? They don't pay me enough. Hey, YOU try working for a narrator's wages! They don't even give you enough time to say anything! And if that's not enough, then  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Adder: Who are we invading again?  
  
Hawke: Yellow Comet.  
  
Adder: Ah.  
  
Hawke: And we've conquered it! Mwahahahaha!  
  
Adder: Does it matter? You know we're going to lose control of it somehow.  
  
Flak: Haven't you guys forgotten that we're under attack by Green Earth?  
  
Adder: Who cares?! They can have Black Hole as long as we have Yellow Comet.  
  
Flak: Wasn't this in Season 1?  
  
Sturm and Lash come in.  
  
Sturm: Guess what? We're baaaaa-aaaack!  
  
Hawke: Drat.  
  
Sturm: So, what's the status report?  
  
Flak: We conquered Yellow Comet but Green Earth conquered Black Hole.  
  
Sturm: Wasn't this from Season 1?  
  
Lash: Yep.  
  
Sturm: Just pull out from Yellow Comet and attack Green Earth's forces in Black Hole!  
  
Adder: Wasn't this from-  
  
Everyone: SHUT UP!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Drake: Woohoo! We FINALLY got some screen time!  
  
Eagle: Wait, do you mean to tell me you sent the whole country to war just to get some SCREEN TIME?  
  
Drake: Exactly.  
  
Eagle: Great idea! Good thing I thought of it.  
  
Jess: What are you talking about? You didn't...  
  
Eagle: Look at me, I'm Jess, who was fired and never had another good job again!  
  
Jess: *sigh* Fine, it was your idea.  
  
Eagle: I always come up with great ideas, don't I?  
  
Drake: Yep. Great ideas on how to steal great ideas.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: How many times have we died?  
  
Max: I lost track. At least two.  
  
Andy: Where are Nell and Sami anyway?  
  
Max: I have a feeling we don't want to know.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: I've got one of my most brilliant ideas!  
  
Sonja: What?  
  
Kanbei: Using this special thingamathingy I created, I'll be able to deploy my units at the normal rate, without them being decreased in strength at all! So they'll still be above average without me spending extra money!  
  
Sonja: How much does this thingamathingy' cost to make?  
  
Kanbei: It costs 20% as much as the unit outfitted with it normally costs.  
  
Sonja: *sigh*  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Today is a very special day.  
  
Colin: What day is it?  
  
Olaf: It's Saturday!  
  
Colin: What's special about that?  
  
Olaf: It's not Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or Sunday!  
  
Grit: So why aren't the other days special?  
  
Olaf: Because they ARE Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Sunday.  
  
Grit: I bet Lord Seth's running out of ideas.  
  
Colin: Oh yeah.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Max: Why is it back to us already?  
  
Andy: I don't know.  
  
Max: I know! We're about to find out where Sami and Nell are!  
  
Sami and Nell walk in.  
  
Max: Lord Seth, I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: I represent, I mean, resent that.  
  
Andy: WHERE have you been?  
  
Sami: You don't want to know.  
  
Andy: Oh yes we do.  
  
Sami: Oh no you don't.  
  
Andy: Do!  
  
Sami: Don't!  
  
Andy: Do!  
  
Sami: Don't!  
  
Andy: Do!  
  
Sami: FINE! I'll tell you!  
  
At this point, our camera conveniently stopped working.  
  
After some speedy repairing...  
  
Sami: ...so that's where we've been.  
  
Andy: Eek! Why'd you tell me?  
  
Sami: Because you asked!  
  
Andy: Well, you shouldn't have told me!  
  
Max: Can you two stop arguing for even a second?!  
  
Andy & Sami: Sure!  
  
One second later...  
  
Andy: Well, you should've ignored me! But NOOOO, you had to...  
  
Max: Can you two stop bickering for one MINUTE?!  
  
Andy & Sami: Sure!  
  
One minute later...  
  
Sami: Well, if you had just LISTENED to what I was saying, I...  
  
Max: I give up!  
  
Max leaves.  
  
Nell: A pity...he should've gone for an hour.  
  
binsert your own question here? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 IV!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 IV, Part 3/i  
  
Last time we saw what all the countries were doing. Nothing important.  
  
Lord Seth: You have to start giving more descriptive details or you're FIRED!  
  
Well sorr-EE!  
  
Lord Seth: You should be.  
  
That's it! I'm going on strike! See how YOU like being a narrator for an episode!  
  
Lord Seth: Fine! Well, waddya know? We just ran out of recap time, so let's get this story started! Hey, you didn't think I was going to repeat that out of time joke AGAIN, did you?  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: I don't like it.  
  
Max: What?  
  
Andy: It seems a little...too calm here.  
  
Max: That's bad?  
  
Andy: No, what I mean is that you think that Hachi would be launching his latest evil scheme to make even more money...  
  
Max: Why would he want more money?! He's already a multi-quintillionare!  
  
Andy: I don't now.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Hachi: Darn it! No matter how much I ever bid on these things on eBay, some guy I don't know always outbids me, even though I often bid an billion dollars!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Lord Seth: A billion dollars on this eBay auction, eh? I'll bid even more! I wonder who auctioned this anyway. They must be making a lot of money.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Bill Gates: Man, some people really bid a lot on my eBay auctions. If this keeps up, I'll be rich, and can start my own company, and steal ideas for computer platforms and make even more money off of it!  
  
Lord Seth: And that is how Bill Gates REALLY made his fortune.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Whatcha doing?  
  
Colin: Writing a computer virus so evil, so potent that it'll fry a computer inside out.  
  
Olaf: Well, let me know when you're done. I want to check my e-mail.  
  
Olaf leaves.  
  
Some time later...  
  
Citizen: Hey, my computer stopped working!  
  
Citizen 2: So did mine!  
  
Citizen 3: And mine!  
  
Citizen 4: My computer exploded!  
  
Citizen 5: This must be a computer virus!  
  
Citizen 6: Well, let's find out who did it! And I know just who can find out.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Citizens: Hey Sonja, could you  
  
Sonja: Colin was the one who made the virus.  
  
Citizens: You're quick.  
  
Sonja: It's a gift.  
  
Citizen 101: So, do we ambush Colin and lynch him, tar and feather him and run him out of town, or leave it up to the proper authorities?  
  
Citizen 54: Hmmmmm...  
  
Some time later...  
  
Policeman: Colin, you're under arrest!  
  
Colin: What?  
  
Policeman: You made that computer virus that's destroyed who knows how many computers?  
  
Computer Nerd: I kept track. It's 1,373,395.  
  
Policeman: Yeah, yeah, whatever. So, you're sentenced to 1,373,395 years in prison.  
  
Colin: WHAT?!  
  
Policeman: Don't worry, you'll probably get one million years off for good behavior.  
  
A short time later...  
  
Citizen: Aw, we got here too late. We can't tar and feather Colin.  
  
Citizen 5: So let's find someone else to tar and feather!  
  
Citizen 85: And I know just who to do it to!  
  
Citizen 48: Who?  
  
Citizen 85: Citizen 38383!  
  
Citizens: YEAH!  
  
bWill Colin get out of prison? Will the narrator come back? Have I done a good enough job as narrator? (of course). Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 IV!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 IV, Part 4/i  
  
Previously, Colin created a really bad computer virus and was arrested for it.  
  
Colin: Don't I at least get a trial?  
  
Guard: Okay, okay.  
  
A short time later...  
  
Judge: Let the trial begin.  
  
Prosecutioner: I move that the trial be ended right now.  
  
Colin: I object!  
  
Judge: Overruled. The trial is over, and Colin is guilty.  
  
Colin: Hey!  
  
Later...  
  
Guard: Well, you got your trial.  
  
Colin: I hate you.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: We've got to INVADE someplace!  
  
Flak: I think the only place we really haven't invaded is Green Earth.  
  
Sturm: Invade that!  
  
Flak: But we were forced to watch Manos: The Hands of Fate last time we did!  
  
Sturm: Oh, come on. Could anything be worse?  
  
Some time later...  
  
Lash: This time we have to watch Overdrawn at the Memory Bank.  
  
Lord Seth: The in-jokes never end...  
  
Adder: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank? Never heard of it.  
  
Lash: Well, let's watch.  
  
About an hour or so later...  
  
Sturm: How was that?  
  
Sturm sees the other Black Hole COs are all in a coma from the boringness of the movie.  
  
Sturm: Oh well, there goes THIS invasion.  
  
Lord Seth: Wasn't this in-joke already done?  
  
Sturm: Well, if you'd think of some NEW jokes...  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Colin's been arrested.  
  
Grit: Yep.  
  
Olaf: We should go rescue him.  
  
Grit: Yep.  
  
Olaf: But then we'd probably bungle it and get arrested ourselves.  
  
Grit: Yep.  
  
Olaf: So we probably shouldn't after all.  
  
Grit: Yep.  
  
Olaf: Can you say something other than Yep'?  
  
Grit: Yep.  
  
Olaf: This has got to be the oldest joke ever...  
  
Lord Seth: No, the oldest joke was something about what happens if you cross a sabertooth tiger with a wooly mammoth.   
  
Olaf: Why do you keep popping up everywhere anyway?  
  
Lord Seth: Comic relief.  
  
Olaf: Comic relief from the comic relief?  
  
Lord Seth: Yep.  
  
Olaf: ARGH!  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: Have you noticed lately this has been less like a story and more like a collection of short skits?  
  
Sami: Don't ask me, I just eat chocolate.  
  
Sami spots some chocolate.  
  
Sami: ...CHOCOLATE!  
  
Sami leaps for the chocolate, but it was really on a giant mousetrap and it goes off, killing her.  
  
Nell: How'd that get there anyway?  
  
Max: I have no idea.  
  
Nell and Max look at Andy.  
  
Andy: What?  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Colin: Green Earth?  
  
Sorry, my mistake.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Colin: Grrrrr...I'm going to escape from this prison. And I know just how to do it...  
  
bHow will Colin escape? Was Andy really the one who killed Sami? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 IV!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 IV, Part 5/i  
  
Sami was killed by a giant mousetrap and Colin was planning on how to escape from prison. Or at least that's what our records show.  
  
Lord Seth: How do you know someone hasn't altered the records?  
  
I don't.  
  
Lord Seth: Oh great. That means, for all I know, Grorange Mar, Poo Toon, Mellow Tonic, Bean Terf, and Ack Mole might not be real countries in this story! *sigh* I guess life always has its uncertainties.  
  
-Grorange Mar-  
  
Max: I bet you made that mousetrap, Andy!  
  
Andy: Prove it.  
  
Max: I'm not smart enough to make it, Nell is too inept to, Hachi is too busy thinking of another money-making scheme, Sami wouldn't have done it, so that just leaves you.  
  
Andy: Drat.  
  
Nell: Hey! I am not inept!  
  
Lord Seth: In AW2 you didn't do anything other than talk...  
  
Nell: Oh, shut up.  
  
Max: I forgot, what was the punishment for killing a CO here?  
  
Nell: It had something to do with rats and honey...  
  
Max: Man, they sure knew how to make cool laws 200 years ago.  
  
Andy: Rats.   
  
Nell: And honey.  
  
-Poo Toon-  
  
Colin: (There's only one way out of this prison) Hey, guard!  
  
Guard: Yes?  
  
Colin: Don't I get a phone call?  
  
Guard: That was only when you were arrested.  
  
Colin: Well, I didn't use it, so doesn't that mean I get it now?  
  
Guard: I guess that does make some sense... *gives Colin a phone*  
  
Colin: Thanks.  
  
Guard: Now, for absolutely no reason, I'm going to leave. *leaves*  
  
Colin (on the phone): You #@%@! you should #%^#%# yourself and @#%# your family and while I'm at it I might as well say you're a #%#@ and a #@%$#@ and an @#$#@ and a #%!@#$!#@ to boot! Like I said, just #$%* yourself before some @#%## decides to #^##^& you! *turns off the phone* That should do it.  
  
Some time later...  
  
Max: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!  
  
Colin: You can't kill me for insulting you over the phone! I'm in prison!  
  
Max: Good point!  
  
Max breaks open Colin's cell, and Colin escapes.  
  
Max: Was I just the biggest idiot or what?  
  
Colin: My plan worked perfectly! Call Max, insult him, and have him break in to try to kill me, then escape! It worked! Hey, why aren't I moving anywhere?  
  
Max: Because I'm holding you upside down?  
  
Colin: Uh-oh.  
  
The next few minutes were so graphically violent that we have cut them out. Instead we shall see a bunny eating a carrot.  
  
A bunny eats a carrot.  
  
Lord Seth: By the way, the bunny was the brother of the one from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.  
  
The bunny shows its sharp teeth and lunges towards the camera. Static is shown.  
  
We now return to our story.  
  
In the emergency room of the hospital...  
  
Olaf: Great news, Colin! The police decided you were punished enough after Max was through with you, so you don't have to go back to prison!  
  
Colin: ...  
  
Olaf: Oh yeah, you can't talk with all those bandages on, right? Oh well, don't worry, the doctors say they hope to have the first layer of bandages removed in one year.  
  
Olaf leaves.  
  
Colin: ... (translated: Please kill me)  
  
-Bean Terf-  
  
Drake: It's back to us! Quick, do something that'll ensure us some space in the story!  
  
Jess: Fine! *kills Drake*  
  
Drake: That wasn't what I meant.  
  
Eagle: Jess! You killed Drake!  
  
Jess: So?  
  
Eagle: I don't know. I was just stating a fact.  
  
Drake comes in.  
  
Jess: What?  
  
Drake: You must've killed my clone.  
  
Lord Seth: NOT A CLONE! AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Eagle: What's with you?  
  
Lord Seth: It's an in-joke.  
  
Eagle: Ah.  
  
Drake: Oh great. Now they're switching back to  
  
-Poo Toon-  
  
Grit: So what do we do now, boss?  
  
Olaf: I don't know. What should we do?  
  
Grit: I asked you first.  
  
Olaf: I asked you second.  
  
Grit: Lord Seth is REALLY running out of ideas.  
  
-Grorange Mar-  
  
Nell: Because of your cold-blooded attempt to kill  
  
Andy: I'm warm-blooded! Humans are mammals, and mammals are warm-blooded. It's a biological fact.  
  
Nell: Whatever! You are sentenced to the rat and honey torture.  
  
Andy: How does it work?  
  
Nell: I'd tell you, but it would give people ideas.  
  
Andy: Like it already hasn't?  
  
Nell: Forget it! Let the torturing start!  
  
After some torturing causing pain so intense that it is beyond impossible to describe...  
  
Andy: I really hate rats. And honey.  
  
Nell: Congratulations! You've made it through the first 1/3 of the torturing! The rest is a lot worse, though.  
  
Andy: I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: When you say , do you mean me or Nell?  
  
Andy: Both.  
  
Lord Seth: Just for that, I'll double the torture.  
  
Andy: I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: Just for that...  
  
Andy: Did I say ? I meant my life.  
  
Lord Seth: Fine by me!  
  
-Ack Mole-  
  
Sturm: I will no longer tolerate failure! Succeed next time, or else!  
  
Lash: Or else what?  
  
Sturm: Um...er...ah...or else you'll find out what or else is!  
  
Flak: Is it OK if we fail purposely so we find out what or else' is?  
  
Sturm: No.  
  
Flak: Drats.  
  
bWill Andy survive the torture? Will Colin be able to walk around again? Will the Ack Mole COs fail again? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 IV!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 IV, Part 6/i  
  
As a space filler, we have decided to make this part be entirely irrelevant to the story as a whole. We would like to thank you for your patience, but we really don't care.  
  
One day, in a peaceful mountain community...  
  
Nothing happened. It was a peaceful day.  
  
Lord Seth: O-kay, that could have used some work. Let's try something else.  
  
In a not-so-peaceful mountain community...  
  
A lot of fighting happened and everyone died. It was a not-so-peaceful day.  
  
Lord Seth: Let's try something COMPLETELY different.  
  
Advertiser: Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy!  
  
Consumer: Buy what?  
  
Advertiser: Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy!  
  
Consumer: Okay, I bought some batteries, now will you shut up?  
  
Advertiser: That wasn't what you should have gotten. Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy!  
  
Consumer: Well, what SHOULD I buy?  
  
Advertiser: Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy!  
  
Consumer: Grrrr.  
  
Some time later...  
  
Consumer: Okay, I bought every product ever made. Have I bought what you wanted?  
  
Advertiser: No, you didn't buy it. Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy!  
  
Consumer: Well, what was I supposed to buy?!  
  
Advertiser: Nothing!  
  
Consumer faints.  
  
Advertiser: Buy buy!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Instructor (instructing soldiers): Face left!  
  
Everyone faces right.  
  
Instructor: I said face left!  
  
Everyone: We are facing left.  
  
Instructor: No, you're facing right!  
  
Soldiers: We're facing left!  
  
Instructor: You don't know your right from your left?  
  
Soldier: No, but we know our left from our right!  
  
Instructor: ARGH!  
  
The Instructor goes psycho and kills all the soldiers.  
  
Lord Seth: All right, THAT didn't go so well...gotta be SOME worthwhile little story I can put in here. It can't take that long to find one, can it?  
  
1 day later...  
  
Lord Seth: Man, that was quick! Now for the best story ever! It'll make people want to read it again and again! It's perfect! It's great! It's...missing. Where on the computer DID I put it? Checking could take a while. Oh well. In the meantime, here's another entirely pointless and stupid yet somehow funny story.  
  
Some Person Whose Name Will Not Be Revealed For Some Reason: I've created an email chain letter! Let's review what it says again.  
  
Dear Friend,  
This is a chain letter. If you forward it to other people, good luck will follow. A man forwarded it to 100 people and lived to be 100 years old.*  
  
*Well, he's not 100 years old yet, but doctors estimate he has a good chance of living to be 100 years old, and we will find out in 50 years.  
  
Bad luck, however, will follow you if you do not forward it. A boy chose not to and 20 years later was killed in an accident.   
Here's how you do it: Forward this message to any number of people. Here's the breakdown on what you get depending on the amount of people you forward this to:  
  
0: You are smart enough to know not to trust these idiotic chain letters. Congratulations! Er, I mean, your life will be bad. Very bad.  
1-3: You only know this many people on the internet? You're sad.  
4-10: No harm will come to you for now. But watch out in 70 years!  
11-20: Your odds of winning the grand prize of the state lottery has jumped to 1 in one billion! Woohoo!  
21-29: You will have good luck for the rest of your life. Can't be sure about what happens after that, though.  
30+: You have just made 30+ enemies. Congratulations!  
  
If you refuse to forward this letter, I will place a curse on you until you do, even though I have no way to know whether you forwarded it or not.   
  
Sincerely,  
Some Person Whose Name Will Not Be Revealed For Some Reason  
  
Lord Seth: Well, that's all the time we have for now. And unfortunately, my virtual dog ate my story document files, so I guess we can't show you the story we planned to. Sorry!  
  
bWhy should I have a question here? No, really! Why? Seriously, this had nothing to do with the story itself, so why should there be any questions? So don't ask about why there are no questions here! In any case, look for the next episode of Advance Wars 2.5 IV!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 IV, Part 7/i  
  
In our previous episode, absolutely nothing relevant to the story occured. So there is no need for a recap. Yeah, I know I'm just being lazy and all, but why don't YOU read the previous parts instead of ME filling you in? Huh? Huh? Huh?  
  
Lord Seth: I'm going to find a new narrator.  
  
Good luck. We narrators belong to a union. We aren't that easy to replace!  
  
Lord Seth: *sigh*  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Mwahahaha! I've just been struck with my most devious plan yet!  
  
Hawke: What was it, and how'd you get struck with it?  
  
Sturm: Well, I was walking along, and then a pot fell on me!  
  
Hawke: *sigh* Well, what's your idea?  
  
Sturm: I'm going to send chain emails to everyone! Then they'll forward those chain letters to everyone else, and I'll clog all the e-mail servers, shut down all of the enemy's technology, and then can take over the world!  
  
Hawke: That has got to be the dumbest idea I've ever heard, but since my opinion doesn't matter to you, who cares? But I have a question.  
  
Sturm: What?  
  
Hawke: WHY would anyone forward it?  
  
Sturm: Because of subliminal messages in them!  
  
Hawke: There are NOT subliminal messages in it!  
  
Sturm: Look yourself!  
  
Hawke looks at the e-mail.  
  
Hawke (as if in a trance): Must...forward...message...to...everyone...I...know.  
  
Sturm: Perfect! Well, better check on a few things before sending it. *leaves*  
  
Hawke: *snaps out of trance* Man, that IS powerful. Oh well.  
  
Hawke accidentally touches the keyboard, and, by pure, random coincidence, it keys in the words Also forward one copy to the person who sent you this message.  
  
Hawke: Better leave now.  
  
Hawke leaves, and Sturm comes in.  
  
Sturm: Now to press Send without reading it over again for some dumb reason.   
  
Sturm does nothing. Adder comes in.  
  
Adder: Aren't you going to press Send?  
  
Sturm: Don't you know? Bad guys always savor the moment before they press whatever button it is they press.  
  
Adder: Oh. How long are you going to savor the moment?  
  
Sturm: I don't know.  
  
One hour later...  
  
Sturm: I'm done savoring the moment. Now time for enjoying the moment!  
  
Adder: ARGH! Just send it!  
  
Sturm: Fine, killjoy.  
  
Sturm clicks Send.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Lord Seth: Hmmm. My specially built SPAM-blocking filter seems to be doing a lot of work today. Let's see how many spam messages it has repelled...100,000?! In just one day? Man, I wanted to be popular, but this is ridiculous!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
CJayC: I got 100,000 messages in my email? Finally! I'm getting less mail than usual! Oh yeah! I'm going to celebrate by going on a vacation!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Newsperson: All computers are down! All electronics are down! All TV stations are down! In fact, it defies logic that we're even on the air!   
  
The camera pans out and it's revealed they're in an airplane.   
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Yes! I know I've said this a zillion times before, but now I can take over the world!  
  
At this point, all the lights in Black Hole went out and all technology stopped working. In fact, the blackout went further than that. It even stopped the transmission of this  
  
bIsn't it good we had a backup backup generator? (all the backups generators quit working) Our backup backup generator won't work for long, though, so we'd better end this before/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 IV, Part 8/i  
  
Previously...well, something happened that erased all our data, so we have no clue what happened. Sorry. It had something to do with a blackout. At least we think so.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: This is a dark day in the history of Black Hole.  
  
Hawke: Do you mean that it's bad, or that there's almost no light?  
  
Sturm: Both.  
  
Flak: Oh well. How long can this blackout-  
  
Hawke, Sturm, Lash, and Adder all cover Flak's mouth.  
  
Flak: Mmmm mmmm mmmmm? (translation: Why'd you do that?)  
  
Sturm: If you'd finished what you said, the you-know-what would have kept up for a year.  
  
Flak: Oh.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: I've figured out a way to stop the blackout!  
  
Max: Really?  
  
Andy: Yep.  
  
Max: How?  
  
Andy: All we have to do is-  
  
Max: Here comes the cutoff...  
  
Andy: -use the  
  
WE INTERUPPT YOUR PROGRAM FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK.   
  
Lord Seth: Sorry about the commercials, but hey, everyone has to make a living, and one way to do that is to show commercials! Why don't you send me money? Hey, that's a great idea! Merely send your credit card information to my email address and I'm certain we can work something out about having fewer commercials. In the meantime, here is the commercial.  
  
The scene shifts and Lord Seth is shown in a different outfit.  
  
Lord Seth: Do you like overhyped games? If so, here are some ones you'll love: Sonic Adventure 2: Battle, Super Mario Sunshine, and Golden Sun. Thank you!  
(with apologies to those who love those games)  
  
WE NOW RETURN TO OUR STORY.  
  
Andy: ...and that's what I'll do.  
  
Max: Great idea! Work on it right away!  
  
Andy: Sure thing! I mean, how long can  
  
Max, Nell, Hachi, and Sami all cover Andy's mouth.   
  
Nell: Ever notice Lord Seth has a thing for repeating jokes?  
  
Sami: Yes.  
  
Nell: Sami, I thought you were dead.  
  
Sami: I got better.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Why is it the only time we appear is during an afterthought of the author? You know, like they stuck us in just to include all of the countries.  
  
Jess: Let's invade someplace.  
  
Eagle: Just to get some screen time?!  
  
Jess: Yep.  
  
Drake: Ever notice Lord Seth has a thing for repeating jokes?  
  
Lord Seth: Yep.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: This blackout isn't very good.  
  
Grit: Yeah, Colin's still in the hospital. With all the electricity shut off, his life support systems are disabled.  
  
Olaf: No, I meant it's annoying I can't play videogames. My favorites are Advance Wars 1 & 2! You know, that Olaf guy in those games is a real idiot. But he seems vaguely familiar.  
  
Grit: I think Lord Seth has a thing for borrowing jokes.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sonja: My newest diabolical plot to take over the world is ready!  
  
Kanbei: Aren't we supposed to be the good guys?  
  
Soldier: Yes.  
  
Kanbei: So doesn't that mean that Sonja is being evil?  
  
Soldier: Yes.  
  
Kanbei: So she's an enemy?  
  
Soldier: Yes.  
  
Kanbei: THROW HER IN THE DUNGEON!!!  
  
Sonja: *snaps out of trance* Finally I'm no longer hypnotized! Now I'm back to my normal self and, um, why are you carrying me away? Hey! Stop! Wait! This was all a misunderstanding!   
  
Sonja is thrown into the smallest, filthiest, stinkiest, and overall worst cell in the dungeon, then locked in with 40 different locks. A rabid monkey is also thrown in with her, and promptly starts banging her on the head.   
  
Sonja: I hate my life so much. And ever notice how Lord Seth has a thing for borrowing and repeating jokes?  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Good news! The blackout is over! Unfortunately, it also erased all data on everything. So I guess we're going to have to rebuild.  
  
Adder: How long will this take?  
  
Hawke: Probably the time between this this and the next season..  
  
Lash: Was it just me, or did this episode seem pointless?  
  
bWas this episode pointless? What's the next season going to be like? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b


	5. Season 5

iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 1/i  
  
A massive blackout erased all data in electronics last time. But we've managed to rebuild with the help of UnErase and Volume Recoverer, a part of Norton Utilities and Norton SystemWorks, from the fine people who brought you Norton AntiVirus. This has been a paid advertisement courtesy of Symantec.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Mwahaha! THIS time I can't loose!  
  
Lash: That's 'lose'.  
  
Sturm: OH. THIS time I can lose!  
  
Lash: That's 'can't lose'.  
  
Sturm: THIS time I can't not lose.  
  
Lash: That's a double negative, which means you're saying you can lose. It should be 'I can't lose'.  
  
Sturm: Grrrr...this time I can't lose!  
  
Lash: Sorry, the microphone wasn't on. Could you repeat that?  
  
Smoke starts coming out of Sturm.  
  
Lash: Uh-oh.  
  
Sturm chases Lash around the room.  
  
Sturm: When I catch you, I'm going to pound you and stomp you and hit you and kick you and squash you and jolt you and swat you and maim you and maul you and destroy you and whack you and strike you and do really nasty things to you!  
  
Lash: That's a rambling sentence, Sturm.  
  
Sturm: Shut up. Um, why aren't I moving?  
  
Lash: You're stuck in my glue trap.  
  
Sturm: Uh-oh.  
  
Lash pounds, stomps, hits, kicks, jolts, swats, maims, mauls, destroys, whacks, strikes and does really nasty things to Sturm.  
  
Lord Seth: You left out squash.  
  
Lash: Good point.  
  
Sturm: I hate you.  
  
Lash pounds, stomps, hits, kicks, squashes, jolts, swats, maims, mauls, destroys, whacks, strikes and does really nasty things to Sturm.  
  
Sturm: I think I'll have to put my plans on hold...at least until I stop being dead...  
  
-Green Earth- (some time later)  
  
Drake: I've got bad news.  
  
Eagle: What?  
  
Drake: Black Hole is launching a massive attack on every single country.  
  
Eagle: How massive?  
  
Drake: On the force attacking Green Earth alone, they have 1 million Infantries, 1/2 million Mechs, 1/3 million Recons, 1/4 million Transport Copters, 1/5 million APCs, 1/6 million Artilleries, 1/7 million Tanks, 1/8 million Anti-Airs, 1/9 million Battle Copters, 1/10 million Landers, 1/11 million Missiles, 1/12 million Rockets...  
  
Some time later...  
  
Drake: 1/18 million Bombers, and 1/19 million Battleships.  
  
Eagle: You COUNTED them?  
  
Drake: Yes.  
  
Eagle: You really need a life. Well, rally the troops! Defend Green Earth!  
  
The Green Earth army attacks and is demolished.  
  
Eagle: Uh-oh.  
  
Jess: Wasn't this from Season 1?  
  
Drake: How about we ask for help from the other countries?  
  
Eagle: Great idea! I always come up with great ones, don't I?  
  
Drake: *grumble*  
  
Soldier: Bad news, sir! The other countries' armies are in really bad shape! They can't help us!  
  
Jess: I guess we're doomed, then.  
  
Drake: C'mon! Think positively!  
  
Jess: Fine. After capturing us (assuming they don't kill us first), if we're incredibly lucky, maybe they won't kill us immediately.  
  
Drake: That's the spirit!  
  
Jess: Oh drats, now they're almost right outside our window. No wait, they are.  
  
Eagle: Is this the end?!  
  
bActually, it is! Of this part, anyway. To find out of it's the end of Green Earth or the rest of Wars World, though, tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 2/i  
  
Last time Black Hole launched a massive attack on all of the countries and obliterated Green Earth's army. Oh, and did I mention the Green Earth COs are all surrounded?  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Oh great. Now we're doomed.  
  
Sturm: ATTACK!  
  
The tanks all fire at the COs, but the COs duck and the tanks hit each other.  
  
Sturm: That must be the oldest trick in the book!  
  
Hawke: It is.  
  
Hawke pulls out a book called "The Book". On the first page is a picture labeled "Oldest Trick" and has a picture of tanks hitting each other while Eagle, Jess, and Drake duck.  
  
Sturm: Grrrr...NO MATTER! My Bombers will destroy you!  
  
Drake: Don't worry, I bet we'll be miraculously rescued again.  
  
The Bombers bomb Drake, Eagle, and Jess and kill them all.  
  
Drake: Nuts.  
  
Sturm: Yes! Yes! Green Earth is finally ours! I wonder how the other countries are doing.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Well, Colin, you've made a remarkable recovery! You only have one layer of bandages left!  
  
Colin: And how long until they're taken off?  
  
Olaf: The doctors say it could be anywhere from a day to a year.  
  
Colin: Well, what's YOUR best guess?  
  
Olaf: 2000 years.  
  
Colin: *sigh*  
  
Grit: Bad news. The Black Hole army is attacking.  
  
Olaf: Who are they being led by?  
  
Grit: I don't know the name, it's that really annoying little girl.  
  
Olaf: Oh, Lash.  
  
Grit: That's her name.  
  
Lash (outside): In the name of Lord Sturm, I demand that you unconditionally surrender immediately! Or you can just give us all your hot dogs.  
  
Colin: THAT joke hasn't been done for a while.  
  
Olaf: Never! We shall never hand over all our hot dogs!  
  
Lash: Okay. Kill them.  
  
Olaf: Um...can I reconsider?  
  
Lash: Sure!  
  
Colin: Well, that's not normal. Usually the bad guys refuse to negotiate after you refuse.  
  
Lash: Good point. KILL THEM ALL!  
  
Olaf: If we don't survive this, Colin, I'm going to kill you.  
  
Lash: DESTROY THEM!!!!  
  
Soldier: We can't.  
  
Lash: Why?  
  
Soldier: Someone seems to have filled all of our tanks' cannons with hot dogs.  
  
Lash: Who would do that?  
  
Grit suddenly stands straight and starts whistling a tune.  
  
Lash: Oh come on. Who thinks I'm dumb enough to fall for that?  
  
Everyone suddenly stands straight and starts whistling a tune.  
  
Lash: Well, then use the Bombers!  
  
Soldier: No good, either! The bombs have been replaced with giant hot dogs!  
  
Lash: Grrrr...I wish Sturm would store his hot dogs in better places. Oh well. I have a good idea.  
  
The tanks all shoot the hot dogs out and all the Blue Moon soldiers eat them. Soon they're too fat to move.  
  
Grit: Wasn't this an Evil Con Carne episode?  
  
Lash: Now, OPEN FIRE ON THE COs!  
  
Soldier: We can't. We used up all our gunpowder on the hot dogs.  
  
Lash: Well, just TIE THEM UP!  
  
Soldier: Brilliant! We never would have thought of that!  
  
bHow will the Blue Moon COs escape? What's going to happen to Green Earth? What's happening in the other countries? Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 3/i  
  
Previously, all the Green Earth COs were killed and all the Blue Moon COs were taken captive. Let's see what's happening in Yellow Comet and Orange Star...  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Black Hole is invading.  
  
Sensei: Are they being led by Adder?  
  
Kanbei stares at Sensei.  
  
Sensei: What?  
  
Kanbei: You remembered something!  
  
Sensei: I did?  
  
Kanbei: Yes!  
  
Sensei: What did I remember?  
  
Kanbei: *sigh* Could you please cut to someplace else? Please?  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Hachi: Now for my latest money-making scheme! It's easy: Bring out toys that hypnotize people into buying them. More toys sold, more money for me!  
  
Employee: I have bad news, sir. The workers intend to strike unless you raise their wages.  
  
Hachi: How much?  
  
Employee: Well, you're paying them 30¢ an hour...they want a nickel increase, which makes it 35¢ an hour.  
  
Hachi: 35¢?! I was decent enough to pay them more than the 22¢ an hour I wanted to pay them, and this is how they repay me?  
  
Employee: Well, they're going to go on strike if you don't listen to their demands. What will you do?  
  
Hachi: What the monopolists in the United States did: Hire new workers!  
  
Employee: What are monopolists and what is the United States?  
  
Hachi: Oh no you don't. I'm not going to repeat that joke again.  
  
Some time later...  
  
Employee: Bad news, sir! No one will take the jobs at the price you're paying them.  
  
Hachi: Oh well. How long can this strike last anyway?  
  
Employee: I'm not sure we want to find out, sir.  
  
Employee 2: Bad news! Black Hole is attacking!  
  
Hachi: Fortify the defenses against the mauraderers!  
  
The employees stare blankly at Hachi.  
  
Hachi: Press the blue button.  
  
Employee: Oh.  
  
The Employee presses the blue button, and a shield goes up around Hachi's tower.  
  
Hachi: Now let's see if those workers are enjoying their strike NOW...  
  
Workers (outside): AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Hachi: I love being powerful.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: They're back to us! Quick, do something!  
  
Sensei: Okay.  
  
Sensei goes out and destroys all of the Black Hole forces invading Yellow Comet using a machine gun. He then comes back in.  
  
Sensei: How was that?  
  
Kanbei: What's that thing you're supposed to say when you can't think of anything to say?  
  
Lord Seth: It was either "supercalifragilisticexpealidocious" or "..."  
  
Kanbei: Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious. Uh-oh.  
  
Kanbei passes out from lack of breathing.  
  
Sensei: Where's this fake corpse come from anyway? Oh well, might as well throw it out.  
  
Sensei throws Kanbei into the trash.  
  
Sensei: What was I doing again? Oh yeah, I was emptying the trash!  
  
Sensei empties the trash and Kanbei wakes up.  
  
Kanbei: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!  
  
Kanbei starts chasing Sensei around.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: What's the status report?  
  
Andy: I love it when you sound all professional.  
  
Nell: Well, what is it?!  
  
Sami: Green Earth has been conquered and its COs are dead, Blue Moon has been conquered and its COs are captured, Yellow Comet has repelled the Black Hole army, and we're fighting the Black Hole army.  
  
Max: So what do we do?  
  
Nell: How about we PULVERIZE THE @!#%@# OUT OF THEM?!  
  
Max: Hey! That's my line!  
  
Nell: Okay, okay.  
  
Max: How about we PULVERIZE THE @!#%@# OUT OF THEM?!  
  
bWill Orange Star pulverize the...um, you-know-what out of the Black Hole army? What's going to happen to the captured Blue Moon COs? Will Hachi give his workers a raise? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 4/i  
  
Previously, Sensei single-handedly destroyed the Black Hole army that was attacking Yellow Comet, and Orange Star did a lot of pointless things.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: ATTACK!  
  
Andy: Why can't you attack?  
  
Nell: Haven't you been paying attention? I never actually fight in a Campaign.  
  
Andy: That does make sense in its own bizarre way...  
  
Max: Well, I just destroyed 1/5 of the army attacking Orange Star.  
  
Andy: How?  
  
Max: Believe it or not, it was made out of cardboard!  
  
Flak (outside): No, it was made out of wood! Not cardboard!  
  
Max: Cardboard!  
  
Flak: Wood!  
  
Max: Cardboard!  
  
Flak: Wood!  
  
Max: Wood!  
  
Flak: Cardboard!  
  
Max: You admit it! It was cardboard!  
  
Flak: I'm no match for your logic! *cries and runs away*  
  
Nell: Well, let's CRUSH THE REST OF THEM!!!  
  
The Orange Star army attacks and is crushed.  
  
Nell: Drat.  
  
Max: Is there any way to stop them?  
  
A meteor hits Wars World and, by pure coincidence, wreaks havoc only on the Black Hole army in Orange Star. No, really! We're not making this up!  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Lash: All right, you're going to tell me EVERYTHING!  
  
Colin: Okay, okay! This is Part 4 of Season 5. Lord Seth is the author of this story. Your name is Lash. My name is Colin. The names of the other Blue Moon COs are Olaf and Grit. The names of-  
  
Lash (with Colin still rambling on): I REALLY need to phrase my questions better.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Hawke: Well, we have completed our conquest of Green Earth.  
  
Eagle stabs Hawke in the back. Hawke is killed.  
  
Sturm: What? I thought you were dead!  
  
Eagle: You'd be amazed what band-aids can do these days!  
  
Sturm: That's my cue to get out of here. *runs away really quickly*  
  
Eagle: Cut to someplace else already!  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Today is a very important day.  
  
Sensei: Why?  
  
Kanbei: I thought YOU knew!  
  
Sensei: I thought you did!  
  
Kanbei: Maybe Sonja knows. Where is she?  
  
Sensei: I don't know.  
  
Meanwhile, in a prison cell in the dungeon...  
  
Sonja: Now I know what Dib felt like in that episode of Invader Zim...  
  
The rabid monkey continues bonking Sonja on the head.  
  
Sonja: Ever notice Lord Seth has a thing for borrowing-  
  
Lord Seth: Yes.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Colin: ...and that's everything.  
  
Lash: Somewhere in that drivel there must have been something useful, but I wasn't paying attention.  
  
Colin: So I don't have to tell you anything?  
  
Lash: Yes.  
  
Colin: Wait, do you mean "yes, I don't have to tell you anything" or "yes, I do have to, and I'm saying yes because saying no would mean I don't have to, so logically saying yes would mean-  
  
Lash: SHUT UP! I'll get information from Olaf instead.  
  
Olaf: Well, I do know all about Blue Moon's army. I'm the head of it, you know!  
  
Lash: Fine. Tell me everything you know.  
  
Olaf: ...  
  
Lash: WHAT DO YOU KNOW?  
  
Olaf: I just told you: ...  
  
Lash: Okay...how about you, Grit?  
  
Grit: You won't get to me! I'll never tell you that we've secretly been developing a bomb that explodes by breaking atoms in two and using their energy!  
  
Lash: You just did.  
  
Grit: Oops. (heh, heh, I just made that up. It's just science fiction, so they'll waste time building something that won't work at all)  
  
bWill Black Hole's resources be sapped in trying to create an 'impossible' bomb? Will the Blue Moon COs be rescued? Is there any point to these questions? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 5/i  
  
Previously, Grit told Lash that Blue Moon was secretly creating a new type of bomb in the hopes that Black Hole would attempt to create the bomb but would fail because Grit thought it was impossible to and thus sap its resources and energies.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: All right Lash, are the plans ready?  
  
Lash: Yes, Lord Sturm! Now all we need to do is find some atoms!  
  
Sturm: Good point. Where are we going to find atoms?  
  
Lash: That's a toughie. How about we try the Atom Delivery Service?  
  
Sturm: Excellent idea! Let's look them up in the phone book. Let's see...it says they promise speedy delivery, and-  
  
The Atom Delivery van screeches to a halt next to Sturm and Lash.  
  
Sturm: ...  
  
Lash: ...  
  
Atom Delivery Guy: Isn't technology great? Anyway, here are the atoms you ordered.  
  
Sturm: Fine. Just charge the bill to Black Hole.  
  
Atom Delivery Man: Sure thing! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have several billion quarks to deliver. *drives off in the car*  
  
Sturm: Now begin the research!  
  
Lash: This might take a while, though...  
  
Sturm: How long?  
  
Lash: About half a season. Check back in Part 10.  
  
Sturm: Okay, but I expect to see results!  
  
Lash: So what do we do with the Blue Moon COs?  
  
Sturm: Let them go.  
  
Lash: Why?  
  
Sturm: Have you SEEN how much money we have to spend on their expenses?!  
  
Lash: How much?  
  
Sturm: Let's see...10,000 for cable, 50,000 for food for Colin, 10,000 for food for Grit, 100,000 for food for Olaf, 15,000 for books, and 1,000,000 for some thing they're building called "The Unlocker".  
  
Lash: Why don't you just refuse to give them their luxuries?  
  
Sturm: You know, that never occurred to me.  
  
Lash: So there's no need to let them go.  
  
Sturm: Actually, I already did.  
  
Lash: Drat.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Grit: Are you sure Sturm letting us go isn't some kind of trap?  
  
Olaf: Don't worry. I'm sure we can trust him.  
  
Colin: TRUST HIM?! Didn't he kill us all?!  
  
Olaf: You sure? I thought that was just because the planet blew up.  
  
Colin: Oh.  
  
Grit: In any case, could we just get back to Blue Moon already?  
  
Colin: While we were talking, we already walked there.  
  
Grit: But Black Hole isn't connected to Blue Moon! It isn't possible to walk from there to here!  
  
Olaf: Well, a lot of things have happened that should be considered impossible, but they've still happened.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: Well, it looks like the only countries that have to worry about Black Hole's advances are Blue Moon and Green Earth. No, wait, we don't have to worry about Blue Moon anymore, we just found out they won.  
  
Andy: Notice that it doesn't actually show them winning, we only find out indirectly?  
  
Max: Isn't that the cue to cut to another-  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Eagle is running after Hawke.  
  
Hawke: Okay, okay, I surrender! Just stop CHASING ME!  
  
Eagle: Whoever would have guessed that Hawke's biggest fear was of being chased?  
  
Lord Seth: I would. That's why I told you.  
  
Sturm: Um, Hawke?  
  
Hawke: Yes?  
  
Sturm: Try standing still. Then he can't chase you.  
  
Hawke: Great idea! *stops moving, and Eagle collides with him, causing both of them to go flying*  
  
Lord Seth: How the heck did you get to Black Hole from here and then back again so quickly?  
  
Sturm: Internet.  
  
Lord Seth: But how could...nevermind.  
  
Hawke comes back.  
  
Sturm: Wait, Hawke, didn't you die?  
  
Hawke: You won't believe what band-aids can cure these days!  
  
Sturm: Oh.  
  
Hawke: Oh, but I have bad news, Sturm! All of our units have retreated to Black Hole!  
  
Sturm: WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?! We were winning!  
  
Hawke: The orders came from you!  
  
Sturm: I didn't give any orders to retreat!  
  
Hawke: Then...who did?  
  
bWho gave the order? Is this the end of Black Hole's current ambitious plan to take over Wars World? Will Lash succeed in creating the Ultra-Bomb 3000 (her name for it)? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 6i  
  
A long time ago, in a galaxy far away...er, sorry, wrong story. Let's see, what story is this? Mystery Science Theater 4000? No. A Test of Wills? No. Space Battles? No. Smithy's Successor? No. Who can tell me what this story is named?  
  
Lord Seth: *sigh* Must I do everything?  
  
EVERYTHING?! I'll have you know we narrators work very hard!  
  
Lord Seth: The story is Advance Wars 2.5!  
  
Fine, fine. Anyway, previously the Black Hole army retreated to Black Hole. And Sturm wants to know where the orders came from...  
  
Sturm: WHO GAVE THE ORDERS TO RETREAT?!  
  
Hawke: You don't have to yell. I'm right next to you.  
  
Sturm: Fine. I want a full inquiry into where those orders came from, typed up in triplicate and on my desk by 1530 hours tomorrow.  
  
Hawke stares at Sturm.  
  
Sturm: What?  
  
Hawke: You actually sounded like someone in the military!  
  
Sturm: I did?  
  
Hawke: Yes.  
  
Sturm: Must have been a mistake. Anyway, FIND OUT THE DARN CULPRIT AND TELL ME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!  
  
Hawke: That sounds more like you.  
  
At 1530 hours...  
  
Hawke: Well, here's the memo you requested.  
  
Sturm: You don't have to sound all professional, Hawke.  
  
Hawke: Okay.  
  
Sturm: Fine. You can go.  
  
Hawke leaves.  
  
Sturm: Let's see...the orders to some of the soldiers came from him, and he said those orders were given to him from...WHAT?! THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT! HE COULDN'T HAVE GIVEN THOSE ORDERS! SOMEONE GET IN HERE!  
  
A random soldier wanders in.  
  
Sturm: You're promoted! Now go and give this encoded message to Hawke, Lash, Flak, and Adder.  
  
Soldier: Sir, it's only written backwards. Anyone can read it.  
  
Sturm: I don't care! Just deliver it, former-private-now-lieutenant whatever your name is!  
  
bWho is the mystery person that gave the orders? Why can't Sturm believe who it is? To find out, keep reading Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b  
  
Some time later...  
  
Adder: Hmmm. So Sturm is asking us to send all our armies just to capture this one person? Strange. Oh well, an order's an order.  
  
Soldier: That doesn't sound like you. You usually aren't so...obedient.  
  
Adder: It seems a lot of people don't sound like themselves lately. Oh well, let's go and find this person and capture them. Maybe Sturm will promote me!  
  
Soldier: But sir, the only person above you other than Sturm in rank is Hawke!  
  
Adder: That's the point!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Lash: I'm supposed to go and trap this person? But I'm in the middle of working on the Ultra-Bomb 3000!  
  
Scientist: I thought it was called the 'Atom Bomb'. You know, because the theory is that by splitting atoms we can make enough energy to deal a lot of damage.  
  
Lash: You can nickname it whatever you want, but the official name is the Ultra-Bomb 3000! How are we coming along on it?  
  
Scientist: We've made some amazing progress. We now have actually learned how to split atoms!  
  
Lash: Good. Keep working. I have to help out Sturm. You're in charge until I get back. And you're in big trouble if you screw up somehow!  
  
Scientist: Don't worry. I'll keep in on track.  
  
The scientist points to a toy train on tracks.  
  
Lash: Fine. I'll be back in under a few weeks.  
  
Lash leaves.  
  
Sturm: All right. Everything is in place. Now we just need to spring the trap.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Well Colin, all the bandages are off, and you're almost as good as new. Almost.  
  
Colin: So how long do I have to go around with this crutch?  
  
Olaf: Oh, I don't know.  
  
Grit: Am I the only one that noticed we're only in here to prevent this entire episode from being only about Black Hole?  
  
Olaf: Yes.  
  
Colin: No.  
  
Grit: *sigh*  
  
bDid anyone else notice what Grit noticed? Who is the mysterious person? Will Lash perfect the Ultra-Bomb 3000? Did anyone notice this episode was only for building suspense? Do I have too many questions? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 V! /b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 7/i  
  
Previously, Sturm ordered an enormous army advance with one objective: to capture the individual who gave his armies the false orders to retreat from Green Earth to Black Hole. Talk about overkill!  
  
Sturm: All units prepare to capture the enemy! If we're careful, we may be able to catch our enemy unaware!  
  
Hawke: Wouldn't we have a better chance if you didn't use that megaphone?  
  
Sturm (using the megaphone): I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. Could you speak up?  
  
Hawke: STOP USING THAT MEGAPHONE! IT'S BAD TO MAKE SO MUCH NOISE!  
  
Sturm (still using the megaphone): What?  
  
Adder: Wasn't this a Jurassic Park episode?  
  
Sturm: Well, just ATTACK!  
  
The army surrounds the house. A tired-looking Lord Seth comes out.  
  
Sturm: All right, Lord Seth, you can come quietly. I know you gave the fake orders!  
  
Lord Seth: I was just trying to advance the plot!  
  
Sturm: Too bad! TAKE HIM AWAY!  
  
The soldiers try to drag Lord Seth away but an invisible forcefield prevents them from touching him.  
  
Sturm: WHAT?!  
  
Lord Seth: Being the author has its benefits!  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Well, I guess we have to think of something to do.  
  
Olaf: What do you mean?  
  
Grit: Well, we're on, and we need to be DOING something. Besides, this sitting around annoys me.  
  
Olaf: We have to sit around. Someone glued us to our chairs.  
  
Colin: I wonder who did.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Soldier: Mwahahaha! With the COs incapacitated because of the glue I used, I will take control of Blue Moon's army!  
  
Soldier 2: No! I will! *shoots Soldier 1*  
  
Soldier 1: Ow! My spleen!  
  
Soldier 2: Now I am the leader of the Blue Moon army!  
  
Soldier 3: No! I am! *shoots Soldier 2*  
  
Soldier 2: Ow! My stomach lining!  
  
Soldier 3: Now I am the leader of the Blue Moon-  
  
Soldier 4 shoots Soldier 3.  
  
Some time later...  
  
Olaf: Well, we finally got free of those chairs. How's the army doing?  
  
Grit: They've all been shot.  
  
Olaf: Oh well. Nothing a band-aid shouldn't cure!  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: Spies in the Black Hole army told me that Black Hole is working on an important new weapon.  
  
Andy: What kind of weapon?  
  
Nell: I don't know! You think I'm made of spies?  
  
Max: Oh, don't worry. Odds are the weapon will just blow up when used.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: So everything is back to normal.  
  
Sensei: Well, as normal as it ever gets, anyway.  
  
Kanbei: Quick, say something funny! That's how all of these things are supposed to end before cutting to another place!  
  
Sensei: My cat's breath smells like cat food.  
  
Kanbei: Well, that is a total rip-off, but who cares?  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Well, I guess we won't gain anything here. Let's go back to the base.  
  
Lash: Wait, you mean we organized the entire army to capture Lord Seth and now you're giving up?  
  
Sturm: Good point. KILL HIM!!!  
  
Bombs, shells, bullets, and so on all hit Lord Seth. When the smoke clears, he's gone.  
  
Sturm: Yes! We've killed him! Let's get back to base.  
  
Lash: Well, I guess I'd better get back to working on the Ultra-Bomb 3000.  
  
Flak: That's too long a name. Why don't you call it the Atom Bomb? After all, you're splitting atoms to make it work.  
  
Lash: Oh, come on. A name like that? It'll never catch on.  
  
bWill the name catch on? Is Lord Seth really dead? Where will this story go from here? Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 8/i  
  
Previously, Sturm ordered a massive strike on Lord Seth. After some intense firing, he SEEMS to have been killed...  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Lash: Well, did you screw up too badly in my absence?  
  
Scientist: No.  
  
Lash: Good!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Lord Seth: Heh, heh. I bet Sturm actually thinks I'm dead! I'm not dead, just mortally wounded.  
  
Vapor (a friend of Lord Seth): You're not wounded at all!  
  
Lord Seth: Oh yeah. Good point.  
  
Vapor: So, when will you show up in the story again?  
  
Lord Seth: Aren't I right now?  
  
Vapor: Oh yeah. Good point.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Employee: Sir, the workers still want their 5 cent raise.  
  
Hachi: Never! I will never increase their wages! Never!  
  
(a pause)  
  
Hachi: Okay, you can raise them.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Well, it's that time of year again.  
  
Olaf: What time of year?  
  
Grit: Time to pay our taxes.  
  
Olaf: What do you mean? We paid our taxes a year ago!  
  
Grit: We have to do it again.  
  
Olaf: Again?  
  
Grit: Olaf, did you ever get visited by the IRS?  
  
Olaf: You know, come to think of it, every year there were these people who took away a lot of my money because I forgot to do something about maxes.  
  
Grit: Taxes.  
  
Colin: Woohoo! I'm too young to have to pay taxes!  
  
Grit: Hey, isn't that the school bell?  
  
Colin: Okay! Okay! I'll pay taxes!  
  
Grit: No, you made up your mind. Now GET TO SCHOOL OR YOU'RE FIRED!  
  
Colin: *grumble* Stupid...  
  
Colin leaves.  
  
A short time later...  
  
Teacher: Well, I have bad news. It turns out that we've discovered that some students--though we don't know who--have been cheating by using  
  
DO NOT ADJUST YOUR WEB BROWSER. WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.  
  
Teacher: ...so we therefore will be taking certain steps to prevent it from happening.  
  
Colin: (oh great. That's how I aced all my tests)  
  
Teacher: We also will be looking for whose grades drop dramatically because of this, because that will probably be the culprit(s).  
  
Colin: ...drat.  
  
Teacher: Did you say something?  
  
Colin: No! Nothing!  
  
Later...  
  
Colin: Grit! I need help! They've figured out how I've been cheating and I need to keep getting good grades or else they'll know I was the one who was cheating!  
  
Grit: Try studying.  
  
Colin: Has it really come that far? I need to STUDY?!  
  
Grit: Yes.  
  
Colin: Great. Just great.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: I just remembered! We locked Sonja in the dungeon. No wonder she hasn't shown up for a while.  
  
Sensei: Should we let her out?  
  
Kanbei: I'm too lazy. How about you do it?  
  
Sensei: Okay.  
  
A short time later...  
  
Cowboy: Excuse me, sir, but what are you doing out here in the Orange Star desert?  
  
Sensei: I don't remember.  
  
Cowboy: What's your name?  
  
Sensei: I don't remember.  
  
Cowboy: Oh well. We'll get you home. Where are you from?  
  
Sensei: I don't remember.  
  
Cowboy: Well, I guess I'll just have to ask around and maybe we'll find out who you are, if you're someone important.  
  
bWill Sensei remember his identity? Will Colin manage to do well on his tests? Will people manage to pay their taxes in time? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 9/i  
  
Previously, Colin discovered he'd have to actually study for his tests, and Sensei got lost and forgot who he was.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Colin: Must...study...harder.  
  
Grit: How much do you have to study?  
  
Colin: Everything that we learned after I used my new cheating method that I can't use anymore.  
  
Grit: How long do you think it'll take you to catch up?  
  
Colin: If I study 24 hours and don't go to sleep...I'd say about a year.  
  
Grit: Well, best of luck to you, then.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Worker: Ratings for this story are going down!  
  
Lord Seth: Really?  
  
Worker: Yep.  
  
Lord Seth: So what do we do?  
  
Worker: Well, we could always turn this into a lem-  
  
Lord Seth: NEVER! WHAT KIND OF SICKO DO YOU THINK I AM?!  
  
Worker: Not one at all, but-  
  
Lord Seth: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D EVEN SUGGEST SUCH A THING!  
  
Worker: But-  
  
Lord Seth: You're fired.  
  
Worker: Oh well. I'll just get another job.  
  
Lord Seth: You can't. I just bluelisted you.  
  
Worker: Not...the blue list!  
  
Lord Seth: Yes, the blue list.  
  
Worker: Noooo! Have mercy!  
  
Lord Seth: Fine, I'll just blacklist you instead.  
  
Worker: Thank you!  
  
Lord Seth: Um, you're not a worker anymore. You're fired.  
  
Ex-Worker: Oh.  
  
Lord Seth: Now let's get back to the rest of the story.  
  
Vapor: And prove that Lord Seth is warped, not sick!  
  
Lord Seth: What?  
  
Vapor: Well, only a truly sick person would write what you just said you'd never write. But only a truly warped person could write something like this.  
  
Lord Seth: Ah.  
  
Vapor: We now return you to your non-offensive, appropriate-for-all- audiences story!  
  
Lord Seth: About time. We need to get back to Wars World before this message is modded for being off-topic!  
  
Vapor: I thought individuals posts couldn't be modded for that...  
  
Lord Seth: Well, you have to remember that  
  
[The remainder of this conversation was deleted by a GameFAQs Moderator]  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: They haven't been on us for a while.  
  
Jess: Why is it we're featured so infrequently?  
  
Drake: Well, Orange Star, Yellow Comet, and Blue Moon all have young COs. We don't.  
  
Eagle: Excellent point! Go and recruit some young COs!  
  
A short time later...  
  
Drake: Well, I put a sign up in front of headquarters asking for a young CO.  
  
Eagle: Oh come on, that won't accomplish-  
  
Several hundred kids about the age of Colin all rush in.  
  
Drake: This could take a while.  
  
Some time later...  
  
Eagle: So you hate war, and if you become a CO you'll do your best to dismantle the army?  
  
Kid: Yes.  
  
Eagle: Next!  
  
Later (MUCH later)  
  
Drake: None of them fit our qualifications. Now what?  
  
Jess: We wait for it to cut to someplace else.  
  
Eagle: We're still here! Yes! Maybe we're finally getting the attention we deserve!  
  
Sorry about that, our technology wasn't working right. Now let's see what's going on in Black Hole.  
  
Eagle: Wait! I didn't mean that-  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: How goes the progress on the atom bomb?  
  
Lash: How many times must I tell people? It's called the Ultra-Bomb 3000!  
  
Hawke: Well, it'll always be unofficially known as the atom bomb.  
  
Lash: Whatever.  
  
Hawke: So, how's it going?  
  
Lash: I'd say we're about 80% done.  
  
Hawke: Good. Keep me posted.  
  
Lash posts Hawke to a postboard.  
  
Hawke: That's not what I meant.  
  
Lash: Oh.  
  
Hawke: How long until these posting things come off?  
  
Lash: About the length of one part.  
  
Hawke: Good.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Sensei got lost and is in Orange Star?  
  
TV: Yes, that's what we said.  
  
Kanbei: Where is he?  
  
TV: We were just getting to that. Be more patient.  
  
Kanbei: Kanbei is never patient!  
  
TV: and stop referring to yourself in the third person. ANYWAY, he's in Orange Star's biggest desert, the Orange Star desert, named so because the namers didn't have creativity.  
  
Kanbei: I'm going to bring him back for no reason!  
  
Later...  
  
Sensei: Who are you?  
  
Kanbei: I'm Kanbei! Your former student and current superior!  
  
Sensei: Oh. Wasn't I supposed to be doing something before I got lost?  
  
Kanbei: Yes, but I forgot what it was.  
  
Sensei: I thought forgetting was MY thing.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Sonja: Man, being stuck in this cell stinks. And I wish they could at least stop the rabid monkey from bonking on my head. Hey, wait a minute...  
  
Sonja paints a picture (where she got the paint and paintbrushes, I have no idea) of her head on the door. The monkey promptly starts bonking on it.  
  
Sonja: Hopefully he'll knock it down eventually.  
  
bWill the monkey knock the door down? Will the atom bomb/b  
  
Lash: Ultra-Bomb 3000!  
  
ber, yes, the Ultra Bomb 3000/b  
  
Lash: The Ultra-Bomb 3000. You forgot the dash.  
  
bARGH! As I was saying, will the Ultra-Bomb 4000/b  
  
Lash: 3000.  
  
bWill I ever get the name right? Find out next time, on the season finale of Advance Wars 2.5 V!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 V, Part 10/i  
  
Previously, Green Earth failed in its attempt to get a new, younger, CO in order to gain more screen time.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Well, it gave us some screen time, at least.  
  
Lord Seth: For the record, not having any young COs isn't the reason you're not on very often. It was because I just think you're boring.  
  
Eagle: I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: I know.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: How goes the "Ultra-Bomb 3000"?  
  
Lash: We have one ready to use.  
  
Sturm: Not enough! I want four, one for each enemy country!  
  
Lash: I'm not sure if we'll have them done before the next season...  
  
Sturm: Just hurry up!  
  
Lash: All right, all right, I'll try.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Colin: Well, I studied nonstop for one whole week. I'm gonna ace that test!  
  
Test day...  
  
Colin: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.............huh? Oh yeah, the test!  
  
Some time later...  
  
Colin: Well, I finished the test. Guess I'd better....Zzzzzzzzzzzzz......  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sonja: Yes! The monkey finally knocked the door down!  
  
Sonja leaves. The monkey trips and falls back into the cell, and the door slams shut behind it. Loud chattering is heard behind it.  
  
Sonja: Well, better go back.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: My spies have informed me that Black Hole has completed their weapon.  
  
Max: What is the weapon?  
  
Nell: They don't know. They're not well-enough placed in Black Hole to know.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Spy 1: Man, all those spy movies make the spies look all cool and have fancy gadgets. But it's really nothing like that!  
  
Spy 2: Yeah, we never get Quantum Fluctuators. We only get special wristwatches that have 1000 different uses, not counting telling time.  
  
Spy 1: Aren't we supposed to be finding out the name of some weapon?  
  
Lash and Sturm walk by, talking about the Ultra-Bomb 3000.  
  
Spy 2: Yeah, but the information is too well hidden. We'll never even find out the name of it!  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Teacher: Well, only one students' grades fell drastically, so I guess we know who the cheater was.  
  
Colin: *gulp*  
  
Teacher: Come along, Chris.  
  
Chris: *sigh* You caught me.  
  
Colin: (What?)  
  
Chris: But I wasn't the only one cheating on the tests! There was at least one other!  
  
Teacher: Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge.  
  
Chris: Judge?  
  
Teacher: Yes, cheating now carries capital punishment.  
  
Chris: The death penalty?!  
  
Teacher: No, just punishment with a capital P.  
  
Chris: What difference does that make?  
  
Teacher: None, but who cares?  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Lash: We now have two bombs ready.  
  
Sturm: Well, hurry up and make two more!  
  
Lash: I know this part is supposed to be building suspense and all, but it's kind of hard to take it seriously with all the jokes going on.  
  
Sturm: Hee hee, those puns. They're very punny!  
  
Lash: That is the worst joke I have ever heard. Hey, there's an idea, make a bomb that causes really bad jokes to be told. I'll have to try that sometime.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Hachi: Yes! My newest plan to make even more money is complete! At last!  
  
Employee: What is your plan, sir?  
  
Hachi: I'll just use the stock market. After all, stocks can't go down, can they?  
  
Employee: Er...  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Lash: The four bombs are now created and ready for your use, Lord Sturm.  
  
Sturm: Excellent. Target the capitals of Green Earth, Yellow Comet, Blue Moon, and Orange Star.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: With that new weapon Black Hole is making, aren't you worried about our capital? Shouldn't we have some kind of protection?  
  
Nell: Oh, come on. What kind of weapon could destroy the whole city?  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Begin the countdown. 1000, 999, 998, 997, 996...  
  
995 later...  
  
Sturm: 1, 0. Fire!  
  
Four bombs simultaneously strike and destroy the capitals of four different countries. Tens of thousands are dead and/or injured. Horrified citizens watch the carnage.  
  
The atomic age has begun.  
  
bTo Be Continued.../b 


	6. Season 6

iAdvance Wars 2.5 VI, Part 1/i  
  
Previously, Black Hole launched 4 atomic bombs on the capitals of the four other countries.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Max: This is not good. Both Andy and Nell were killed in the explosion of the giant bomb thingy Black Hole hit us with.  
  
Hachi: I guess this means I'll have to do the unthinkable.  
  
Sami: Do you really mean...?  
  
Hachi: Yep! I'll have to put my money-making schemes on hold and actually fight!  
  
Sami: I never thought the day would come!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: The bombs are a success! Lash, make sure to build more.  
  
Lash: We ran out of atoms. We'll have to get more.  
  
Sturm: I'm not getting it from that Atom Delivery Service again. They cost too much.  
  
Lash: Well, they do have the best atoms. And the fastest delivery service.  
  
Sturm: Fine, fine. You can order from them.  
  
An Atom Delivery Service van screeches to a halt in front of Sturm.  
  
Atom Delivery Guy: We have all the atoms you need!  
  
Sturm: Very speedy service.  
  
Atom Delivery Man: Isn't technology great these days?  
  
Sturm: As long as we have the atoms, I don't care! Just charge it to Black Hole.  
  
Atom Delivery Guy: Ah, I remember you. You're well-known for paying prompty and not worrying about our sky-high shipping and handling rates! *drives off*  
  
Sturm: All right Lash, get to work on those bombs!  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Max: Great. What are we going to do? Andy was the only one of us capable of making a weapon of that power, and Nell is the only one who knows how to communicate with the spies.  
  
Hachi: So we're screwed, is that what you're saying?  
  
Max: Pretty much.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Boy, THAT bomb did a lot of damage.  
  
Drake: It must be some new prototype.  
  
Eagle: Whatever it was, make sure ALL OUR BOMBERS ARE OUTFITTED WITH IT!!!  
  
Jess: But we don't even know how to make-  
  
Eagle: NO BUTS! Get it ready in one week or you'll be sorry!  
  
Jess: How sorry?  
  
Eagle: Really, really, really sorry.  
  
Drake: Oh boy. This could be tough.  
  
7 days later...  
  
Eagle: So are they all outfitted with the bomb?  
  
Drake: Eagle, we just found out what the bomb was, much less make them, much less outfit bombers with them.  
  
Eagle: YOU'RE BOTH FIRED! No, wait, never mind. I only need to fire one of you! Let's see...Eeny Meeny Miney Moe, Catch a tiger by the toe...  
  
Drake: I got the tiger for you! I caught him by the thumb, though, is that okay?  
  
Eagle: That's fine with me. Jess, you're fired.  
  
Jess: I'm not leaving!  
  
Eagle: Drake, release the tiger.  
  
Drake lets go of the tiger and it chases Drake out.  
  
Eagle: Wait, it was supposed to chase JESS out...oh well, I'll do it myself.  
  
Eagle tries to chase Jess out, but Jess ends up chasing Eagle out.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Well, that certainly wasn't very good.  
  
Grit: WASN'T VERY GOOD?! Half of our army was wiped out by that bomb!  
  
Olaf: No, no, I was referring to the fact the toaster and microwave are broken.  
  
Grit: Well, is Colin alive? I thought he was in the capital.  
  
Colin: I'm alive.  
  
Grit: What? Weren't you in the capital on military duty?  
  
Colin: No, I was skipping it.  
  
Olaf: Dang. I'm happy that he's alive but mad that he wasn't working when he was supposed to. So what do I do?  
  
Grit: Give him a raise and punish him?  
  
Olaf: Brilliant idea! Colin, one cent is added to your payroll, and you're sentenced to cleaning all of the bathrooms in the base for one year, beginning today.  
  
Colin: But...you...I...we...argh!  
  
Olaf: Now, about that bomb...there's only one thing to do! Surrender to Black Hole and meet all their demands! WE'RE DOOMED!  
  
Grit: Oh, come on. Do you really think they have more bombs right now? It'll probably take time to make more.  
  
Olaf: No, I bet they have 1,000 of those bombs that they could use all at once on us! We must surrender! It's hopeless! *sobs*  
  
Colin: He IS being sarcastic, right?  
  
Grit: With Olaf, you can never tell.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Lash: What? What do you mean it'll take a month to make even one more bomb?!  
  
Scientist: Well, a bunch of our research was mysteriously erased by a mysterious computer virus that mysteriously managed to get onto our computer in some mysterious fashion.  
  
Lash: Mysterious.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: They dropped such a horrible bomb on our country without any warning? Have they no honor?!  
  
Sonja: Father, have you checked your e-mail?  
  
Kanbei: No.  
  
Sonja: Well, there are 100 e-mails warning you that a really powerful bomb was about to be dropped.  
  
Kanbei: But I never check my e-mail!  
  
Sonja: They also sent you a telegram, a phone call, and a letter warning you.  
  
Kanbei: Kanbei is still not satisfied! Why was I not informed of this!  
  
Sonja: Doesn't Sensei open all our mail and decide which to give to us?  
  
Kanbei: Oh.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Sensei: Hmm, an ultra-important telegram? Says that if we don't pay our electricity bill our electricity will be taken away? Better give this to Kanbei.  
  
1.25 seconds later...  
  
Sensei: What was I doing? Well, let's see, I'm holding a piece of paper. I bet I was going to put it in the paper shredder!  
  
bWill Sonja and Kanbei learn about the electrical bill before it's too late? Will Sensei's memory improve? Will Black Hole launch more atomic bombs? Will I ever be able to make things serious instead of comical? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 VI!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VI, Part 2/i  
  
I think there was supposed to be something important here...but I can't quite remember what. Oh no! Sensei's amnesia is spreading! Must...get...to...hospital! Wait, where was I going again?  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: So the plan is, we create-  
  
Hachi: What are you doing here? You were supposed to be dead!  
  
Andy: Oh, really! *falls over dead*  
  
Max: You ALWAYS say the wrong things...  
  
Hachi: All right, all right. Using the magical powers invested in me for this one episode-  
  
Sami: I bet a lot of long-forgotten running gags are going to appear soon...  
  
Hachi: -I bring Andy back to life!  
  
Max: How long will this take?  
  
Hachi: A while.  
  
2 weeks later...  
  
Andy: Aw, why'd you wake me up? I was having such a great dream...  
  
Sami: YOU WERE DEAD, ANDY!  
  
Andy: But-  
  
Sami: AND IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!  
  
Andy: Eel!  
  
Sami: Eel?  
  
Andy: I meant to say "Eek!" but the writer accidentally pressed "l" instead of "k".  
  
Lord Seth: Yes, I've been having keyboerd proqlems laeely.  
  
Mhx: Weel, fiw ypur stipod kdybparf zlreadh!  
  
Llrc Srty: Akl fibhr, aol tifhy. Ig motht ramw z qgule, fnojgg.  
  
Sqni: I hstr yju.  
  
3 qdrka osrwf...  
  
Kpfd Srgn: Pmah, ig'x gdytknf q lkgtoe bdtget. I ghijk wd cag gi bqvk ro lur nofmwl sgorh nlw, it'x ckeating jp akready.  
  
Sami: Boy, am I glad THAT's over.  
  
Max: Zrd yyi syrd?  
  
Sami: AAAAHHHH! *has a heart attack*  
  
Max: I can't believe she fell for that!  
  
Andy: Quick, cut to someplace else before thks gaf ks usdd ahain!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Lash: Well, we've managed to make another bomb.  
  
Sturm: Excellent.  
  
Lash: Where do we target it?  
  
Sturm: I don't care. Set it on random.  
  
Lash sets it on random. The bomb lands where Sturm and Lash are.  
  
Sturm: WHAT?!  
  
Lash: You said to set it on random, so it landed on a random place: here.  
  
Sturm: Why did I ever have the random feature include Black Hole?  
  
Lash: Shouldn't we be dead now?  
  
Lord Seth: You should. I just delayed your demise so we could have this entertaining conversation.  
  
Lash: Oh well. We'll be brought back to life almost immediately.  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VI, Part 8/i  
  
Flak: *sigh* It's too bad that Lash and Sturm are STILL dead.  
  
Adder: I know. Usually they come back right away.  
  
Back in Part 2...  
  
BBBBBBOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lord Seth: Okay, that's enough with the sound effects. Anyway...  
  
Hey, wait a minute! You were at Ground Zero! Why didn't you die?  
  
Lord Seth: I went to Ground One at the last second.  
  
Oh.  
  
Lord Seth: And-  
  
Whoops, ran out of time!  
  
Lord Seth: RAN OUT OF TIME?! There's plenty of time left!  
  
Not according to our sponsor.  
  
Lord Seth: We don't have a sponsor!  
  
We do now.  
  
Lord Seth: Oh, come on. I'm the writer! Why am I being kept out of the loop!  
  
As a joke. And a space filler.  
  
Lord Seth: I hate you.  
  
That's it, I quit!  
  
Lord Seth: Okay, I'll just get a new narrator.  
  
Fine, fine, I'll stay.  
  
Lord Seth: Quick, end it with something relevant to the story!  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: Well, I've managed to create a replica of the bomb Black Hole dropped.  
  
Max: And it'll be as strong as that one?  
  
Andy: Strong? By replica, I meant a sculpture. It'll take more time if you want me to actually make one.  
  
Max: How long?  
  
Andy: Check back in Part 4.  
  
Max: Wasn't this in Season 5?  
  
Andy: Didn't that joke go out of style a while ago?  
  
bDid the joke go out of style? Will Orange Star perfect its bomb? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 VI!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VI, Part 3/i  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Maybe firing Jess was a mistake.  
  
Drake: Just rehire her!  
  
Eagle: No! I know she'll want a raise!  
  
Drake: So give her one!  
  
Eagle: Green Earth is tight on funds. It'll mean decreasing my pay.  
  
Drake: So decrease it!  
  
Eagle: I'm not decreasing my pay! I only make 1,000,000 a year! That's barely enough to live on!  
  
Drake: What? $1,000,000 is excellent pay!  
  
Eagle: I make 1,000,000 in MONOPOLY money.  
  
Drake: Oh. That explains why I've had to buy you lunch every day for the past 10 years.  
  
Eagle: Fine, fine. Rehire Jess. But the money is coming out of YOUR salary!  
  
Drake: No worries. I make 2,000,000 in real dollars each year!  
  
Eagle: What? I make less than that, and in play money!  
  
Drake: Take it up with the person who decides who gets what amount of money!  
  
Eagle: I thought that was me.  
  
Drake: Well, fix it!  
  
Eagle: I don't know how.  
  
Drake: You're in charge of this and you don't know how to do any of it?  
  
Eagle: Hey, I'm in charge of the Green Earth army and don't know how to use it right!  
  
Drake: Okay, okay, you have a point.  
  
A short time later...  
  
Jess: So I'm going to make 3,000,001 dollars a year, eh?  
  
Drake: Yep. We gave you a one dollar raise.  
  
Jess: Excellent.  
  
Drake: Hey! Eagle wasn't in charge of assigning payrolls after all! Lord Seth somehow managed to get the job!  
  
Lord Seth: Yes. I have "connections".  
  
Eagle: I hate you.  
  
Meanwhile, in a completely different story...  
  
A lot Koopas hit Mario. He dies.  
  
Luigi: NOOOOOO!!!!  
  
Luigi goes into a frenzy and kills all the Koopas.  
  
Some time later...  
  
Luigi: Well, I've beaten Bowser, defeated all the Koopas, and conquered their castle. All in revenge. What should we do now?  
  
Luigi is standing in front of Mario's grave. Lord Seth pops up.  
  
Lord Seth: How 'bout this?  
  
Lord Seth tosses a 1-Up into Mario's grave. Mario comes back to life and hops out.  
  
Luigi: I like you, Lord Seth.  
  
Lord Seth: That's something I don't hear very often.  
  
Back on Wars World...  
  
Colin: What? I got an F on this test?  
  
Teacher: Someone tipped us off that you were the one who was cheating before, so you get an F.  
  
Colin: Who was this person?  
  
Lord Seth: Me.  
  
Colin: I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: *sigh* I guess we're back to reality.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: Well, Lash and Sturm are dead. Do you think you're capable of making more of those 'Atom Bombs'?  
  
Scientist: Yes, and I can't believe we can finally call them by their proper name instead of the "Ultra-Bomb 3000".  
  
Hawke: Good, good. Crank them out.  
  
Scientist: Yes, sir!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Flak: Got any 3's?  
  
Adder: Go fish.  
  
Flak draws a card.  
  
Flak: Haha! I win!  
  
Adder: You got lucky, that's all, lucky!  
  
Flak: Adder, that was the 300th time in a row I beat you.  
  
Adder: Okay, let's play Crazy Eights.  
  
400 games later...  
  
Adder: How 'bout War?  
  
500 games later...  
  
Adder: Bridge?  
  
600 games later...  
  
Adder: Rugby?  
  
700 games later...  
  
Adder: Poker?  
  
800 games later...  
  
Adder: SOLITARE?!  
  
900 games later...  
  
Adder: That's it! I give up! You even beat me at Solitare!  
  
Flak: 900 times in a row.  
  
Hawke: What's this? You guys have been playing card games while I've been working hard?  
  
Flak: Er...  
  
Hawke: Count me in! Let's play Go Fish!  
  
100 games later...  
  
Flak: Well, I won 50 games and you won 50. Looks like we should have one more deciding match, Hawke.  
  
Adder: I LOST THEM ALL! *cries and runs away*  
  
Flak: I worry about that one.  
  
Hawke: So do I.  
  
1 game later...  
  
Flak: A tie in Crazy Eights? I can't believe it!  
  
Hawke: I guess we're equals in card games.  
  
8 of Clubs: Time to take over!  
  
Flak: What?  
  
8 of Hearts: We're crazy, and we're going to take over the Black Hole army!  
  
bWill the Crazy Eights take over the Black Hole army? Will any other country make an atom bomb? Will Colin bring his grades up? Will Lord Seth ever not be hated? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5!/b  
  
Due to computer failure, the remainder of Season 6 has been lost. Oh, the jokes that will never be read! The plots that will be never seen! In its place, we have decided to see exactly how much we can write of an AW2 story in 1 minute!  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.25, Part 0/i  
  
A long long time ago, in a galaxy so far away it ended up being right next to us...  
  
Grit: I've got bad news, Olaf.  
  
Olaf: Let me guess, all your guns went off at the same time AGAIN and...  
  
Grit: No, what actually happe  
  
bThe End!/b  
  
Note: I really did write this in one minute. 


	7. Season 7

iAdvance Wars 2.5 VII, Part 1/i  
  
Somewhere in Black Hole...  
  
Sturm: Well, we don't have to worry about the threat of an atomic bomb anymore.  
  
Hawke: THREAT of an atomic bomb? We have more than any other country! What did you do, agree to some anti-atomic bomb peace treaty? Not even you're that dumb, right?  
  
Sturm: You know, there's kind of a funny story behind that...  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Lord Seth: Greetings, everyone! And welcome to Season 7! Let's start it off with a bang, as I try to see how much I can write of a story in 2 minutes. Starting...NOW!  
  
In Blue Moon...  
  
Grit: Hey, did you notice that the last time Lord Seth wrote one of these things (although it was a 1-minute one that time) we were the stars also?  
  
Olaf: I'll say! This can only mean one thing!  
  
Grit: What, that we're his favorite characters?  
  
Olaf: No, that our advertising campaign is finally paying off!  
  
Grit: We have an advertising campaign? Since when?  
  
Olaf: Since Colin signed up.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Colin (unenthusiastically): Sign up for the Blue Moon army. Pay is good. Benefits are good. Inquire within. All you have to do is sign this contract and you're in for life.  
  
Person: But this contract is for life! It means I can't quit if I want to!  
  
Colin: Hey, there are disadvantages to everything!  
  
Person: Well, I'll think about it.  
  
Colin: No! Y  
  
THE TWO MINUTES ARE UP. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR 'NORMAL' STORY.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Sami: What is it THIS time, Andy?  
  
Andy: I don't know. I was just trying to build suspense.  
  
Sami: You mean you wasted this space just for building suspense?  
  
Andy: Hey, everyone else does it!  
  
Sami: That's true.  
  
Andy: Oh, and a large alien force is going to invade us.  
  
Sami: Well, that's nice, An...ALIEN FORCE? INVADE? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS EARLIER?  
  
Andy: Um...building suspense?  
  
Sami: I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: Yes! Someone hates someone other than me for once!  
  
Sami: I hate you, too.  
  
Lord Seth: ...  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Olaf! We've got to get the army in shape!  
  
Olaf: What shape? Triangle? Square? Pentagon?  
  
Grit: Argh! That's not what I meant!  
  
Olaf: You want a rectangle? Okay!  
  
Olaf whips out a megaphone.  
  
Olaf: ...RECTANGLE!  
  
The entire army organizes to form a rectangle shape.  
  
Grit: Olaf, how'd you teach them to master this? It must've taken a while.  
  
Olaf: Oh, I just cut 90% out of their actual combat training.  
  
Grit: *sigh*  
  
bWill the invaders conquer the world? Will the Blue Moon army ever learn how to fight? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 VII!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VII, Part 2/i  
  
Previously, Andy discovered that a giant alien force was going to invade Wars World.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Why is this place called Wars World anyway?  
  
Jess: Um, because there's a lot of war?  
  
Eagle: Exactly! So let's change the name of the planet to "Peace World"! Then we'll have no war at all!  
  
Drake: I suppose it's worth a shot.  
  
One quick renaming later...  
  
Eagle: Well, hopefully we'll all be at peace for a while.  
  
1 Year later...  
  
Andy: Um...shouldn't the aliens have invaded already?  
  
Lord Seth: Nope. They stopped by a few other planets to conquer them first.  
  
Andy: Ah.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Eagle: Well, this last year of peace wasn't that bad.  
  
Drake: NOT BAD?! We were all fired and are now working in a meat-packing plant!  
  
Eagle: Where's Jess?  
  
Drake: She managed to get a job as a game show host.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Jess: Man, ever since we've changed these things on Wheel of Fortune to make it more dramatic, our ratings have skyrocketed!  
  
A contestant spins the Wheel of Fortune. It lands on "Death Ray".  
  
Jess: Sorry!  
  
A giant raygun comes out of nowhere and shoots the contestant, reducing him into a pile of ashes.  
  
Jess: Don't worry, our doctors should be able to have him almost slightly halfway semi-normal in about a year or two! *to the second contestant* All right, you spin it this time!  
  
The contestant spins the Wheel of Fortune. It lands on "Go To Jail".  
  
Jess: Looks like it's your unlucky day!  
  
A bunch of police come in and arrest the contestant.  
  
Contestant: NOOOOO! This is all a mistake! I'm innocent!  
  
Policeman: Yeah, that's what they all say.  
  
Jess: So, who's the next person to spin the Wheel of Fortune?  
  
All the other contestants have left in fear.  
  
Jess: They always do that.  
  
Back to Drake & Eagle...  
  
Eagle: This stinks! I want my old job back!  
  
Drake: Even if it means more war?  
  
Eagle: Even if it means more war! My financial status is more important than the lives of my soldiers!  
  
Drake: Brilliantly said!  
  
Another renaming later...  
  
Eagle: Oh great. Another war has started between Orange Star and Blue Moon.  
  
Drake: Yep. Isn't life good?  
  
1 war later...  
  
Andy: Well, that was a pointless war.  
  
Sami: Yeah! All that happened was...um, what did happen?  
  
Max: I don't know. Who's keeping track of these things anyway?  
  
Everyone stares at Lord Seth.  
  
Lord Seth: What?  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sonja: Well, the war between Blue Moon and Orange Star is over.  
  
Kanbei: What was it over again?  
  
Sonja: Something about a video game portraying one of them negatively.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Olaf! The invaders will be here in maybe a week or so! We have to get ready!  
  
Olaf: Good point. Make escape pods!  
  
Grit: Escape pods?  
  
Olaf: That way we can escape to another planet!  
  
Grit: We don't know how to make intersteller escape pods!  
  
Olaf: So?  
  
Grit: (Maybe I should just kill him and make all our lives easier)  
  
bWill Grit kill Olaf? Will the invaders ever reach Wars World? If they manage to, what will they do? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 VII!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VII, Part 3/i  
  
Previously, Orange Star and Blue Moon went to war, and the alien invaders got closer to Wars World.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Nell: The war with Blue Moon has decreased our military force! We have to get them ready in time so we have a halfway decent chance of fighting off the invaders!  
  
Andy: How are we going to do that?  
  
Max: I don't know! Just whip them into shape!  
  
(a pause)  
  
Max: What, isn't someone going to make a joke saying they thought we should them, you know, with whips?  
  
Sami: No one here's that dumb. You'd have to have someone like Olaf here or something.  
  
Max: Great idea!  
  
A short time later...  
  
Max: Just whip them into shape!  
  
Olaf: Well, I have the whips, what shape do you want the troops in?  
  
Max: Okay, thanks for the joke. You can go now.  
  
Olaf: What? I only came here to be in a joke?  
  
Max: Yes.  
  
Olaf: Grrrr...see if I ever listen to you again!  
  
Max: Olaf, would you do me a favor and get me some hot chocolate?  
  
Olaf: Sure thing!  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Well, using Lightning Strike I've managed to train the army at twice the normal speed!  
  
Drake: That doesn't even make sense, but hey, it works!  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: NOOOO! Aliens are invading! And I can't stand aliens! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!   
  
Lash: Sturm, you ARE an alien!  
  
Sturm: That's what they WANT you to believe!  
  
Lash: Well, what are you really?  
  
Sturm: Well, that's an interesting thing. I-  
  
Adder: Red alert! Red alert!  
  
Flak: What are you talking about? How is this a red alert? I wouldn't even call it a purple alert!  
  
Adder: There's no such thing as a purple alert!  
  
Flak: Exactly.  
  
Hawke: ...  
  
Flak: What?  
  
Hawke: ...  
  
Flak: Hawke? Why didn't you say anything? What's going on?  
  
Lord Seth: I was trying to cover up my writer's block.  
  
Flak & Hawke: I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: Doesn't everyone?  
  
Grit: I don't. At least, I don't think I do.  
  
Lord Seth: What are you doing here?  
  
Grit: I don't know. I just was suddenly warped here.  
  
Lord Seth: Oh yeah, I did that.  
  
All the Black Hole COs attack Grit.  
  
Grit: I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: *sigh*  
  
1 Week later...  
  
bWhoops, ran out of time. Will I run out of time again? Will the aliens conquer Wars World? Didn't I already ask that question? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 VII!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VII, Part 4/i  
  
bPreviously, the alien invaders were about to, er, invade. And why is this part of text in bold anyway?/b  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Are preparations complete?  
  
Hawke: *sigh* Yes. The escape pods are ready.  
  
Sturm: Excellent. Now let's GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!!!  
  
Hawke: There aren't enough escape pods for everyone in Black Hole!  
  
Sturm: Well, you know what to do when there aren't enough escape pods/lifeboats!  
  
Adder: COs and soldiers first?  
  
Sturm: I was thinking of "women and children first", but that works!  
  
3/4 of an evacuation later...  
  
Lash: Oh great, my escape pod won't take off. Might as well leave *tries to open the door* Hey! It's stuck! Well, it can't take too long to open, can it?  
  
1 week later...  
  
Lash: I hate my life.  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: Well, the alien invaders are in our solar system now. So let's FIRE THIS GIANT MISSILE AT THEM!  
  
The giant missile is launched at the alien fleet but misses and ends up blowing up the moon.  
  
Max: Well, we won't have to worry about tides anymore, at least!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Employee: Profits are skyrocketing! We're making more money quicker than any other company!  
  
Hachi: Yes! I knew selling those alien protection devices would pay off!  
  
Employee: But sir, they're fake. They don't protect people from aliens at all.  
  
Hachi: So?  
  
Employee: Well, there's a double money back guarantee.  
  
Hachi: WHAT?! Who did that?  
  
Lord Seth: Me.  
  
Hachi: I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: Tell me something I don't know.  
  
Hachi: That's a toughie.  
  
Lord Seth: What?  
  
Hachi: Telling you something you don't know. You definitely know a lot.  
  
Lord Seth: You take everything too literally.  
  
Hachi: ...am I supposed to have some kind of witty comback to that?  
  
Lord Seth: Yes.  
  
Hachi: Too bad!  
  
Lord Seth: I hate my job.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Citizen: The aliens are invading! We'd better use these anti-alien things we got!  
  
Citizen 2: Hey, they work!  
  
Citizen 3: Wow. Who would've guessed Hachi was honest for once?  
  
bWho would have guessed Hachi was honest for once? Stay tuned!/b  
  
Lord Seth: Wasn't this gag done already?  
  
Yeah, but hey, what's wrong with repeating a joke?  
  
Lord Seth: Well, I guess a second time couldn't hurt.  
  
bWill a second time hurt? Keep reading!/b  
  
Lord Seth: Okay, now you're going too far.  
  
bAm I going too far? Be sure to/b  
  
Lord Seth: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Jess: All right! Face left and take four steps forward!  
  
The troops face right and take four steps backward.  
  
Jess: Are ALL of the troops this story?  
  
Eagle: Only the stupid ones.  
  
Flying saucers fly in and cover Wars World.  
  
The invasion has begun.  
  
bTo Be Continued.../b  
  
Wait, I don't get to do any of those suspenseful questions? What a rip-off! I mean, seriously, we've had those in every episode except the final one of Season 5, and that was because we wanted it to end ominously. But why not this time? Yeah, I guess someone could argue that-  
  
Lord Seth: SHUT UP!!!!!!  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VII, Part 5/i  
  
Last time on Gilligan's Island, the characters almost got off the island but didn't quite make it.  
  
Lord Seth: This isn't an episode of Gilligan's Island! It's Advance Wars 2.5  
  
Oh. Sorry.  
  
Lord Seth: I'd say something else, but I don't want to go on with these recap gags again.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Are the escape pods finished?  
  
Grit: Olaf, we don't even know how to make escape pods, let alone have them finished!  
  
Colin: Guess what? I finished the escape pods!  
  
Olaf: See, Grit? That's how a responsible CO would handle it! Now EVACUATE!  
  
The entire Blue Moon army rushes into the escape pods but they all blow up.  
  
Grit: What was that thing about being responsible again?  
  
Olaf: I hate you.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sonja: Have you noticed that even though the invasion is occuring, there really hasn't been any details about it and it seems like it isn't happening? And who am I talking to?  
  
The aliens break into where Sonja is and take her prisoner.  
  
Sonja: Drat. Hey, wait a minute...you look kinda familiar...  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Oh wait, it turns out the aliens were on our side! I forgot I requested reinforcements.  
  
Hawke: You mean you made us evacuate for NOTHING?!  
  
Sturm: Guess so. Hey, where is Lash?  
  
Meanwhile in an escape pod with a stuck door...  
  
Lash: Hello? Anyone out there? Hello? Anyone? HELLO?! HEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Hachi: The invading force is coming! Fortify the forcefield against the extraterrestrial adversaries!  
  
The employees stare blankly at Hachi.  
  
Hachi: *sigh* Push the orange button.  
  
Meanwhile, in a galaxy 2.34x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x 10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10 light-years away...  
  
Lord Seth: Hey! There's nothing here!  
  
WHOOPS! My mistake.   
  
Meanwhile, in a galaxy 2.34x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x0x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x 10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10x10 light-years away...  
  
Andy: Well, all of the aliens have been defeated.  
  
Nell: That was rather anticlimatic. And it's all your fault, Andy!  
  
Andy: Hey, you shouldn't blame me!  
  
Nell: I know I shouldn't, but I will anyway! I sentence you to something really bad!  
  
Andy: How bad?  
  
Nell: So bad I'm not going to say what it is for fear of the readers repeating it!  
  
Andy: But--but--but--but--but--but  
  
Nell: Why are you so obsessed with my butt anyway?  
  
Lord Seth: Hold it! Crossing the line here!  
  
Nell: Good point. Andy, your punishment is doubled!  
  
Andy: I hate you.  
  
Nell: Me or Lord Seth?  
  
Andy: Both.  
  
Lord Seth: You've made a dangerous enemy today, Andy.  
  
Nell: You or me?  
  
Lord Seth: Both. *to the reader* Anyway, the reason I stopped the invasion was because I realized the story would suddenly have a point if it occured, and wouldn't be as funny. That's why Season 2 wasn't so great.   
  
Max: You should've said that in a more comical way.  
  
Lord Seth: What do you think I am, MADE of jokes?  
  
Max: Yes.  
  
Lord Seth: *sigh* I really set myself up for THAT one.  
  
bWill Andy survive the punishment? Will this story ever have a point? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 VII!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VII, Part 6/i  
  
Previously, the alien invasion was called off, and Nell decided to torture Andy.  
  
Andy: Ow...why am I ALWAYS the one that gets tortured?  
  
Lord Seth: Because you'e fun to torture.  
  
Andy: I hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: Hmmph. I've heard THAT line before.  
  
Andy: I REALLY hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: I've heard that line before, also.  
  
Andy: I hate you with the white-hot intensity of a million suns!  
  
Lord Seth: I've heard that one, too.  
  
Andy: ARGH!  
  
Andy begins banging his head against the wall.  
  
Lord Seth: I haven't heard, well, seen THAT one for a while.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Olaf: Grit, it's time we fixed up the Blue Moon army.  
  
Grit: About time. Almost all of the soldiers died when the escape pods blew up.  
  
Colin: This isn't going to be another hairbrained scheme where we all end up getting ourselves killed, right?  
  
Grit: We can only hope.  
  
Olaf: Let's make a new, robot army! And be sure the robots are all strong and lethal and will be able to kill us immediately if they choose to!  
  
Grit and Colin stare blankly at Olaf.  
  
Olaf: DO IT OR YOU'RE FIRED!  
  
Colin: Well, I guess we'll have to. After all, being dead is better than being fired. At least while dead you have your dignity.  
  
Grit: Well, might as well get started.  
  
One new army later...  
  
Olaf: Well, the new army is finished!  
  
Grit: Um, Olaf? There's only one robot, due to lack of materials. And I'm not sure that counts as an army.  
  
Olaf: Are you familiar with the phrase 'one-robot army'?  
  
Grit: Yes.  
  
Olaf: Good. Explain it to me.  
  
Grit: *sigh*  
  
Colin: Oh, by the way, I got my 200th F today.  
  
Grit: Colin, we really need to increase those grades of yours...  
  
Olaf: Look! The robot is moving! And it's shooting right at us! Isn't it amazing?  
  
Grit: ...once we stop being dead, that is.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Look! I've just made a new division of the army!  
  
Hawke: Um, Sturm? They look kind of...dead, if you ask me.  
  
Sturm: Look, they don't even demand money!   
  
Hawke: Really?  
  
Sturm: Watch! *to the soldiers* What do we want?  
  
Soldiers: Brains.  
  
Sturm: When do we want them?  
  
Soldiers: Brains.  
  
Sturm: See?  
  
Hawke: Why does it seem like the most incompetent person always is the head of the army?  
  
bWhy does it seem like the most incompetent person always is the head of the army? What will happen next time in this story? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 VII!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VII, Part 7/i  
  
Previously, some stuff happened, most of it having to do with Nell torturing Andy. Oh, and Black Hole started a division of the army (zombies, anyone?)  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Well, the new division of the army needs to prove its worth. SO GO INVADE!  
  
Hawke: Invade where?  
  
Sturm: I don't know! Just pick a country! Blue Moon, Orange Star, Yellow Comet, Green Earth, it's all the same to me!  
  
Hawke: Fine, fine.  
  
Later in insert country here...  
  
insert name a CO over the country here: The Black Hole Army is attacking!  
  
insert the name of another CO of the country here: Well, just fight them off!  
  
insert name of third CO here: We can't! As soon as they're killed, they get right back up!  
  
Lord Seth: This looks like a job for...me!  
  
insert name of first CO: What? What kind of powers do you have that we don't?  
  
Lord Seth waves his hands in a strange, dramatic fashion and all the zombies disappear.  
  
insert name of second CO here: Yes!  
  
Lord Seth: Thanks. *sigh* Too bad in my Everlasting Quest For Truth & Justice I've made some enemies in low places.  
  
Meanwhile in the lowest part of Black Hole (a.k.a. Hot Earth Lies Lower)...  
  
Sturm: Argh! That stupid Lord Seth guy ruined my plans AGAIN!  
  
Flak: Well, what do you want to do about it?  
  
Sturm: How bout we try to kill him?  
  
Flak: Sir, we tried that the first time you got mad at him. And the second time. And the third. And the fourth. And the fifth. And the sixth. And the seventh.   
  
Much later...  
  
Flak: and the...well, you get the point.  
  
Sturm: Hey, one million and fifty-sixth time's the charm!  
  
Flak: And why is our headquarters in the lowest section of Black Hole anyway?  
  
Sturm: Don't ask me. It wasn't not my idea.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Lord Seth: Must...cure...writer's block...  
  
Andy: Didn't Calvin (from Calvin & Hobbes) once say the cure for writer's block was writer's cramp?  
  
Lord Seth: I thought he said the cure for writer's cramp was writer's block.  
  
Andy: Whatever!  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Do you know what we need to do?  
  
Grit: What?  
  
Olaf: Make more of those robots!  
  
Colin: But that robot was a fiasco! It became all evil and stuff, remember?  
  
Olaf: Exactly.  
  
Grit: ...  
  
Colin: ...  
  
Olaf: ...  
  
Colin: What?  
  
Olaf: Everyone's doing it!  
  
Colin: Everyone?  
  
Lord Seth: ...  
  
Grit: Yep. Everyone.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Well, our air force is top-notch. And our sea force is top-notch. And our ground force is top-notch. Did I miss anything?  
  
Drake: Green Earth's COs aren't exactly top-notch.  
  
Eagle: Excellent point! You and Jess will have to go to a remedial CO Training Course!  
  
Drake: I was referring to you, not us.  
  
Eagle: Your point is...?  
  
Drake: *sigh*  
  
And now, a word from our sponsor.  
  
Sponsor: Buy!  
  
And now, another word from our sponsor.  
  
Sponsor: Our  
  
And now, yet another word from our sponsor.  
  
Sponsor: Product!  
  
Finally, two more words from our sponsor.  
  
Sponsor: Thank you!  
  
We now return to our story.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Teacher: Now, the first thing for you COs to know is very important. Units start with 10 HP and lose HP when attacked. When they're down to 0 HP, they lose. Now for the units themselves! The infantry unit can only move 3 spaces and is very weak, but it's important because  
  
Drake: This is so humiliating.  
  
Jess: *writing* Hmmm...Infantry and Mechs are important because they're the only units that can capture cities? I guess that makes sense.  
  
Drake: Man, Lord Seth's really running out of ideas. Now he's borrowing jokes from The Simpsons.  
  
bWhat else will Lord Seth borrow ideas from? Will my writer's block ever end? When will I have these questions relate to the plot? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 VII!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VII, Part 8/i  
  
Last time, Jess & Drake were forced to enroll in a remedial CO Training Course.  
  
Teacher: ...now to complete this course, all you have to do is beat a randomly choosen person in a battle. Jess & Drake, your opponent is Lord Seth.  
  
Drake & Jess play a game of Advance Wars 2 against Lord Seth but lose miserably.  
  
Drake: What?!  
  
Lord Seth: Gotta love that horrible AI!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Grit: Colin, it's time we improve your grades.  
  
Colin: ...  
  
Grit: What? Cat got your tongue?  
  
Colin opens his mouth and pulls out a cat.  
  
Colin: ...  
  
Grit: Let me guess, there'll be a FROG in your throat this time?  
  
Colin pulls a frog out of his mouth.  
  
Grit: *sigh* What's next?  
  
Colin pulls out a goat, an elephant, a dog, a spider, a mouse, a horse, and an Oompa-Loompa out of his mouth.  
  
Colin: I was wondering where all of those went.  
  
Oompa-Loompa: Oompa-loompa, dupitty-doo, insert random word here, ukally goo; eating Oompas is bad for health-  
  
Grit: Oh, shut up already.  
  
Grit shoots the Oompa-Loompa.  
  
Oompa-Loompa: Oompa-loompa, dupitty-doo, shooting Loompas hurts them, mookally-ooo. Trying to-  
  
Grit shoots the Oompa-Loompa again.  
  
Grit: That ought to shut it up.  
  
Oompa-Loompa: Oompa-Loompa, googaly too, we never shut up, bookaly moo, if you have any decency, you will stop shooting me!  
  
Grit: ARGH!  
  
Grit shoots the Oompa-Loompa again.  
  
Oompa-Loompa: Oompa-Loompa-  
  
Grit: That's it. I'm calling in the professionals.  
  
One call later...  
  
Sturm: Okay, I'm here. Now who do I unleash the Vermicious Knids on?  
  
Grit: The Oompa-Loompa.  
  
Sturm: Okay! FEAST!!!  
  
The following scene is too gruesome to describe. Thus, we will substitute it with a less offensive piece.  
  
Lord Seth: You can't borrow my Game Boy Advance! Never!  
  
Vapor: Aw...*starts crying*  
  
Person: Lord Seth, it's not nice to not share. Sharing makes the world go round!  
  
Lord Seth: You're right! I'll let Vapor use my Game Boy Advance! *gives it to Vapor*  
  
Vapor: Yay! Thank you!  
  
Lord Seth: I've made a friend! Sharing is good!  
  
A pause.  
  
Lord Seth: I'm getting paid HOW much for this?  
  
Vapor: We're getting paid for this? I thought it was just a great way to sucker you out of your Game Boy Advance.  
  
Lord Seth: Why you little... *starts chasing Vapor*  
  
Person: Um...this isn't going to be on the commercial, right?  
  
Cameraman: We're broadcasting live.  
  
Person: Great. I shudder to think what kind of world could come from commercials like this.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Sturm: That commercial was interesting. But they already aired something just like it years ago, when me and the rest of the COs were young!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Instructor: Well, you two both failed your final exam miserably. Congratulations, you passed!  
  
Drake & Jess: Er...um...thanks!  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: What was happening when it was last on us?  
  
Lord Seth: You were banging your head against the wall.  
  
Andy: Right!  
  
Andy starts banging his head against the wall.  
  
Lord Seth: You can suffer brain damage if you do that too much, you know.  
  
Andy: Oh, come on. That would never happen.  
  
A pause.  
  
Lord Seth: What, aren't you going to do something stupid as kind of a joke?  
  
Andy: Why should I?  
  
bWhy should Andy? Does sharing really make the world go round? Will Lord Seth stop chasing Vapor? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.5 VII!/b  
  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VII, Part 9/i  
  
Andy: I've got a great idea!  
  
Lord Seth: Cut! Hold everything! Where was the recap?  
  
Um, there wasn't one.  
  
Lord Seth: WHAT?! There's always a recap!  
  
That's not quite true. In-  
  
Lord Seth: SHUT UP!!! Fine, fine, whatever, we'll do without it this time.   
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Sensei: What should we do?  
  
Kanbei: CONQUER WARS WORLD!  
  
Sensei: I thought that was what Black Hole was supposed to do.  
  
Kanbei: So? Let's conquer them, too!  
  
Sonja: No! This is wrong and I won't go along with it.  
  
Kanbei: THROW HER IN THE DUNGEON!!!  
  
Sonja: Hey! Wait! I don't want to be thrown in there again.  
  
Kanbei: Good point. THROW HER IN THE LAVA!!!  
  
Sonja: Wait! I'll take the dungeon! Hey! Let go of me! Help!  
  
Some Yellow Comet soldiers drag Sonja away and throw her in the lava.  
  
Kanbei: And so, we should prepare to attack the other countries.  
  
Sensei: But if we attack them all at once, we're doomed!  
  
Kanbei: So? Black Hole launched attacks on all the countries of Wars World.  
  
Sensei: First, they failed. Second of all, they had enough COs to carry out the attack!   
  
Kanbei: Well, we have 3. That means we can attack 2 countries while one of us stays here to guard Yellow Comet.  
  
Sensei: You threw Sonja in the lava, Kanbei.  
  
Kanbei: You're right. Okay, you stay here and protect Yellow Comet, and I'll conquer Black Hole.  
  
A short time later...  
  
Lash: The Yellow Comet army is invading!  
  
Sturm: Oh, don't worry. We'll fight them off.  
  
A few battles later...  
  
Sturm: Drats. They conquered us.  
  
Sensei: ...and you must unconditionally surrender!  
  
Sturm: We'll surrender if we keep our hot dogs!  
  
Sensei: Fine.  
  
A while later...  
  
Sensei: Black Hole has surrendered.  
  
Kanbei: Excellent. Now to turn our attention to the rest of Wars World. Blue Moon is weak at the moment...so ATTACK!  
  
Sensei: Fine, fine, if you insist.  
  
Another invasion later...  
  
Olaf: Oh great. We're defeated. Oh well. Might as well surrender.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: Yes! Now three countries are under Kanbei's control! Only two more to go!  
  
Sensei: Um, Kanbei? Our soldiers are stretched kinda thin. If we attacked another country, we probably couldn't keep occupying them all.  
  
Kanbei: You're right. I'll be content with what I have for a while.  
  
Sensei: Really?  
  
Kanbei: Yes.  
  
Lord Seth: Haha! I bet you expected him to say no! But I outsmarted you. I OUTSMARTED YOU ALL!!!  
  
Kanbei: Well, we proved our point. We're the strongest country. Might as well withdraw our troops.  
  
Sensei: You mean we spent all that time conquering them and you're letting them go?  
  
Kanbei: Yes.  
  
Sensei: Well, I guess it could be worse.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Now, where were we before we got distracted by the Oompa-Loompa and the invasion?  
  
Colin: I don't know.  
  
Grit: Oh yeah! We were going to improve your grades!  
  
Colin: Oh great.  
  
Some time later...  
  
Colin: Yeah! I brought my grades up! And I didn't cheat!  
  
Grit: See what happens when you study hard?  
  
Colin: Yeah. Better go back to cheating.  
  
Grit: Lord Seth is losing his touch. I sure hope this is the last season.  
  
bWill this be the last season? Is Lord Seth losing his touch? Am I ever going to get that raise I want? Will Colin ever get good grades without cheating? Will Yellow Comet ever conquer the world? Will I ever stop talking? Will I-/b  
  
Lord Seth: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	8. Season 8

iAdvance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 1/i  
  
Well, Advance Wars 2.5 has recently jumped the shark. Common sense would dictate that it would be best to stop it and leave it while it still has its dignity.  
However, because TV producers apparently know something we don't (why else would they keep shows going on a season after they jumped the shark?), we have decided to drag it on ONE more season. After all, they did it with all sorts of great shows, and ended up ruining them!  
  
Anyway...  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: This is the last season. It's our last chance to take over Wars World before the series ends.  
  
Flak: ...  
  
Lash: ...  
  
Adder: ...  
  
Hawke: ???  
  
Sturm: Anyway, so I say we conquer Blue Moon first! Our previous large- scale invasion didn't work because of the unfortunate fact that we spread ourselves too thin. So we attack one country at a time, fortify our resources, attack another, and continue. We'll conquer all of Wars World with my brilliant strategy!  
  
Hawke: Did you actually think of that yourself?  
  
Sturm: No, I just downloaded it off the internet.  
  
Hawke: I should have known.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Lord Seth: What do you know? Someone actually downloaded my war plans file. Maybe I should share more files using LimeWire! Let's see...let's start with these songs from a CD I just got...  
  
Police burst in.  
  
Policeman: Lord Seth, you are under arrest for violating copyright laws!  
  
Lord Seth: Huh? What? Wait! Let go of me! This is all a misunderstanding! Seriously! I could use a little help here. Anyone? Please? MOMMY!!!!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Hachi: Now it's time for my latest scheme to make lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lotslots of money!  
  
Employee: You do know all of that was just a space filler, right?  
  
Hachi: Yep. So?  
  
Employee: I was just making sure.  
  
Hachi: Anyway, here's the idea: We make a bunch of fake Magic cards and then sell them for high prices.  
  
Employee: Won't we be arrested for copyright infringement?  
  
Hachi: Probably, but who cares?  
  
One arrest later...  
  
Hachi: Hey! Let go of me! I was just trying to make a little money! Is that a crime?  
  
Policeman: Yes.  
  
Hachi: Drat.  
  
Later...  
  
Nell: Should we bail Hachi out of prison?  
  
Andy: OUT OF PRISON?! Don't you remember all the bad stuff he did to us?  
  
Nell: Good point. Let's bail him out of prison instead.  
  
Andy: *sigh*  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Grit: Okay Colin, NOW we're going to improve your grades.  
  
Colin: You're not going to.  
  
Grit: Why?  
  
Colin: Because every time you say you will, something happens that prevents you from doing that.  
  
Outside...  
  
Sturm: Surrender immediately! And give us all your hot dogs!  
  
Grit: We gave you all our hot dogs the last time you invaded us!  
  
Sturm: But you must have made more hot dogs since then!  
  
Olaf: No, people don't sell hot dogs anymore. A bunch of people complained about cruelty to dogs. Is that okay with you?  
  
Sturm: Sure. I'll just kill you all instead.  
  
Colin: Oh, fudge.  
  
bWill the Blue Moon COs survive? Probably not. But be sure to tune in anyway to the next episode of Advance Wars 2.5 VIII!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 2/i  
  
Previously, Black Hole had the Blue Moon COs surrounded. I'm sure they'll pull off a last-minute escape...  
  
Grit: Quick! Look for a ventilation shaft!  
  
Colin: WHY WOULD THERE BE A VENTILATION SHAFT?! And shouldn't we be dead already?  
  
Sturm: You normally would be, but we're out of ammunition. Don't worry, we should be done refueling in a few minutes.  
  
Colin: RUN!!!!!  
  
The Blue Moon COs run.  
  
Sturm: Drat. Why didn't we get the easy-reload brand? Or just knock them out?  
  
Hawke: Because we wanted to surprise the audience, as they were expecting the Blue Moon COs to die.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Colin: This escape was going fine until we fell into quicksand.  
  
Olaf: Don't worry! I didn't fall in! I'll go get help! Don't worry! *runs off*  
  
Grit: We're doomed.  
  
1 Month Later...  
  
Olaf: I'm back! Uh, Colin? Grit? Where are you? Oh well, I guess they must have escaped somehow.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Blue Moon is now under our control. Our next target is Green Earth.  
  
Hawke: Er...with a bunch of our forces already occupying Blue Moon, how do you expect to conquer Green Earth?  
  
Sturm: I've managed to force...er, I mean recruit, a bunch of people from Blue Moon.  
  
Earlier...  
  
Blue Moon Citizen: Why should I join your army? You conquered my country!  
  
Sturm: We've got a good dental plan.  
  
Blue Moon Citizen: Sold!  
  
The present...  
  
Sturm: So, it's up to us to bring peace and prosperity by conquering everyone!  
  
Hawke: That makes no sense!  
  
Sturm: Exactly!  
  
Lash: Come to think of it, why ARE we trying to conquer all the countries?  
  
Sturm: I don't know, but there must be a good reason. Something about an interesting plot.  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: Oh great. Black Hole is attacking. Again.  
  
Drake: Oh, don't worry. I bet everything will turn out the way it did before.  
  
Eagle: We died before, remember?  
  
Drake: Oh yeah. Good point.  
  
Black Hole tanks surround Drake and Eagle.  
  
Drake: See? The same!  
  
Eagle: No, it's not the same. Jess isn't with us. So as long as she's not here, we're fine!  
  
The manhole next to them open and Jess comes out.  
  
Jess: Sorry, I must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque.  
  
Drake: Oh great. Now we're doomed.  
  
The cannons all shoot at Drake, Jess, and Eagle and they all die.  
  
Sturm: Yes! We have conquered another country! Now for another one!  
  
bSorry, Sturm, but you'll have to wait until next episode!/b  
  
Sturm: I'm not going to wait! I'm going to conquer Yellow Comet and/or Orange Star NOW!  
  
bWill Sturm manage to conquer them before this episode ends?/b  
  
Sturm: Done! Conquered them!  
  
bEr...um...will they manage to break free of Black Hole's control? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 VIII!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 3/i  
  
Sturm: We've finally conquered all of Wars World. But what's this weird mist stuff?  
  
Lash: I dunno. It just came out of nowhere and has engulfed the planet.  
  
Sturm: Where's Flak? I'd like him to see this.  
  
Lash: I dunno. He had some weird appointment or something.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Flak: What am I doing here? And where am I?  
  
Lord Seth: Um...you're not on Wars World. And I don't know what you're doing here.  
  
Flak: Well, send me back!  
  
Lord Seth: Um, I can't.  
  
Flak: What?  
  
Lord Seth: Some kind of weird mist is interfering with the transmission. Once it clears up, I'll send you home.  
  
One clearing up later...  
  
Flak: Well, I'm back everyone.  
  
Sturm: ...  
  
Hawke: ...  
  
Adder: ...  
  
Lash: ...  
  
Flak: You're strangely quiet.  
  
Lash: Must...kill...non...believer...  
  
Flak: Oh no! You've all been turned into zombies!  
  
Lash: What are you talking about? You're crazy.  
  
Flak (thinking): Oh, they think I'm crazy, huh? Well, I'm the only one that's NOT crazy! But they'll see. Oh, how they'll see. Soon-  
  
Lord Seth: All right, that's enough craziness for one episode.  
  
Flak: But all the episodes are crazy!  
  
Lord Seth: So I have to make sure the rest of this episode isn't crazy.  
  
Adder: How do you plan to do that?  
  
Lord Seth: END THE EPISODE ALREADY!!!  
  
bSorry for the shortness of the episode, but I guess we're ending it in a cheesy way. Just be sure to turn into the next episode of Advance Wars 2.5 V+III!/b  
  
Lord Seth: Oh great. We just went over our craziness limit.  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 4/i  
  
Sturm: After all that craziness in the last episode, let's hope we can get a calm, serious episode this time.  
  
Hawke: With Lord Seth as the author? That's pretty much impossible.  
  
Sturm: In any case, all of Wars World is under our control. So I don't see any need for any more episodes.  
  
Lord Seth: Good point. Let's end it here.  
  
Flak: Remember that thing about jumping the shark?  
  
Lord Seth: Yes.  
  
Flak: I think we've jumped it multiple times already.  
  
bNo questions to ask now, you know! After all, it's the end. What do you expect me to do? No, seriously! What should I do? Oh great, there's some questions already. Um, in any case, tune in next time to...wait, there won't be another episode. Forget it./b 


	9. Season 8 and a Half

iAdvance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 5/i  
  
Um...I don't even know why you readers are still here. We just did the last episode.  
  
Lord Seth: Well, we heard some complaints about the bad guys winning.  
  
Oh great. So we're going to drag it on even LONGER and have everyone get fed up?  
  
Lord Seth: Uh...yeah. Besides, Black Hole can't hold onto its territories forever, can it?  
  
1 Year Later...  
  
Lord Seth: Oh, shut up.  
  
I didn't say anything.  
  
Lord Seth: You said the "1 Year Later..." thing!  
  
Oh...yeah...  
  
Lord Seth: Um...let's see...in Blue Moon...no resistance. Yellow Comet...no resistance. Green Earth...no resistance. Oh, there's some in Orange Star! Wow!  
  
-Orange Star-  
  
Andy: Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?  
  
Hachi: How will it give me money?  
  
Andy: There's more to this world than money, you know.  
  
Hachi: There is? Hmmm...never thought of it like that before.  
  
Andy: Anyway, so we all sneak into the Black Hole base, flush all of the toilets simultaneously, causing the pipes to explode, and-  
  
Nell: Wasn't this from Bloom County?  
  
Andy: Yes, that's where I got the idea. Anyway, after the pipes explode, the place will be flooded, and we'll all be able to rise up and throw off Black Hole.  
  
Sami: That has got to be the dumbest plan I've ever heard!  
  
Andy: Oh...yeah...right...well, it's better than sitting here, on our butts, doing nothing, right?  
  
Max: Not at all! I'm a proud sitonmybuttdoingnothinger!  
  
Andy: *sigh* Just follow the plan.  
  
One 100 flushings (not to mention an overused joke) later...  
  
Flak: Oh great. Our base is destroyed.  
  
Soldier: What do we do now?  
  
Flak: Let's just head back to Black Hole.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Andy: Yes! We did it! Black Hole is retreating!  
  
Sami: Andy, they're just leaving for their lunch break.  
  
One lunch break and one overused joke later...  
  
Andy: They're back from their lunch break.  
  
Max: Oh well. I'm sure we'll beat them.  
  
The Orange Star army defeats the Black Hole army and throws them out of Orange Star.  
  
Andy: I wonder how Blue Moon, Yellow Comet, and Green Earth are doing.  
  
Some time later...  
  
Sturm: Well, Orange Star has thrown us out. But I don't think anyone else will throw us out.  
  
Adder: I'm not sure...once one country starts beating us, it seems everyone will throw us out.  
  
Sure enough, a bunch of throwing outs later...  
  
Sturm: This is bad. All the countries have thrown us out and will probably come attacking us.  
  
Sure enough...  
  
Sturm: We're doomed.  
  
Lash: Maybe not.  
  
Flak (sarcastically): Oh, there are tanks outside from every other army, bombers above us, and rockets and artillery pointing at us. I'm sure we're not doomed.  
  
The bombs all bomb, the rockets and artillery, not to mention the tanks, all fire, and all the Black Hole COs are killed.  
  
Eagle: YES!  
  
bIs this the end of Black Hole? If so, what will come of this new world? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5 VIII!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 6/i  
  
Well, we're over halfway through this season. And about time, too! Anyway, Black Hole took over the other countries, but they overthrew Black Hole and conquered Black Hole.  
  
Sturm: Wait! I still have my trump card!  
  
Jess: Didn't it just say we killed you?  
  
Sturm: Can't believe everything you read. Anyway, I just have to press this button, and a giant missile will hit us all and kill us! Heck, I'll do it right now!  
  
Time passes.  
  
Sturm: Um...when will that missile hit us?  
  
The missile hits Black Hole and everyone dies!!!  
  
Lord Seth: Um...wouldn't this have been a better ENDING for this episode?  
  
Good point. Let's end it right now.  
  
Lord Seth: How many sharks have we jumped?  
  
Too many.  
  
Lord Seth: *sigh*  
  
bWith everyone dead, how will this story continue? Guess you'll find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.5!/b  
  
Lord Seth: Oh, why are we even bothering with this? Everyone already KNOWS that somehow all the characters will come back to life...  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 7/i  
  
Previously, Sturm launched a giant missile at Black Hole, killing everyone. Let's check there...um, there's nothing. Well, there's go to be a CO alive SOMEWHERE, or else we'll have to end this story right here.  
  
Readers: YAAAAAAYYYY!  
  
Lord Seth: Oh, shut up.  
  
Readers: We hate you.  
  
Lord Seth: Oh man, now my READERS turn on me too? I've got to get on with this already.  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Colin: I'm the only surviving CO! All right!  
  
Soldier: So, what are your plans, sir?  
  
Colin: Since I'm the head CO, I'm going to make a new law saying that I can never get anything lower than a 90% on a test.  
  
One new law-  
  
Lord Seth: Cut! Hold it! We're not going on with THIS gag again!  
  
Colin: I'm making a another new law. It says that everyone who's died in this story so far will come back to life, barring those who died of old age-  
  
Meanwhile in the afterlife...  
  
Old Person: Oh, yeah, of course. Forget about us, huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Er...what was I talking about?  
  
Meanwhile on Wars World...  
  
Olaf: Well, thanks for bringing us back, Colin.  
  
Colin: Your welcome.  
  
Grit: Shouldn't that be "you're welcome"? I mean, after all, you are saying "You are welcome", and "you're" is the shorter form of "you are". "Your" is a completely different word. Of course, you may be saying that it's his welcome, in which case "Your welcome" could make sense. Still-  
  
Olaf: SHUT UP! Anyway, Colin, I thank you for bringing us back. But you didn't go to Black Hole like you were supposed to, so you're sentenced to cleaning toilets for a year!  
  
Colin: What?  
  
Olaf: Good point. I did that already. You're sentenced to cleaning floors for a year!  
  
Colin: I hate my life.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: Grrr...we're running out of time. We don't have much time left before the story ends, and we need to be sure we're in control of Wars World by then!  
  
Hawke: We tried that before and ended up getting ourselves killed.  
  
Sturm: So what?  
  
Hawke: (bide your time, Hawke...bide your time)  
  
Sturm: Anyway, Hawke, your latest mission is to run naked in front of all the new recruits.  
  
Hawke: WHY?!  
  
Sturm: I have my reasons.  
  
Hawke: (I'm going to kill you...)  
  
Sturm: Did you say something?  
  
Hawke: Nope! Nothing!  
  
-Green Earth-  
  
Eagle: So what's our next zany antic?  
  
Drake: Ending the episode right here?  
  
Lord Seth: Oh no you don't. I'm not repeating THAT joke again.  
  
bWill Lord Seth repeat that joke again?/b  
  
Lord Seth: No! And don't you DARE end it here!  
  
bWill I dare end it here?/b  
  
Lord Seth: I need to get a new narrator.  
  
bWill Lord Seth get a new narrator?/b  
  
Lord Seth: Okay! Okay! You win! We'll end this episode here.  
  
bI've already used up all my questions, so I'll make this quick and tell you to tune into the next episode of Advance Wars 2.5 VIII!/b  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 8/i  
  
Previously, another lame episode occurred.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Hawke: Black Hole will never be victorious as long as Sturm is its leader! I'm going to dispose of him and take my rightful place as leader of Black Hole!  
  
Sturm: Thanks for reminding me! Be sure to take out the garbage disposal.  
  
Hawke: Grrrr...  
  
Hawke launches some poison darts at Sturm while Sturm's back is turned, but since Sturm is metallic, it does nothing.  
  
Hawke: Drats.  
  
Lord Seth: This is going to turn out to be something like Stewie on Family Guy, isn't it?  
  
Hawke and Sturm: Probably.  
  
Lord Seth: Great. Just great.  
  
-Yellow Comet-  
  
Kanbei: It is time to strengthen the army.  
  
Sonja: Strengthen? They're even stronger than Sturm's units!  
  
Kanbei: But they cost more! We should be getting more from the amount we spend.  
  
Sonja: They cost 20% more and are 30% stronger. That's a good deal.  
  
Kanbei: No, a good deal would be if they were 10% stronger.  
  
Sonja: What did you get in math class?  
  
Kanbei: Kanbei refuses to say!  
  
Sonja: You failed it, didn't you?  
  
Kanbei: Preposterous! Kanbei never fails anything!  
  
Sonja: I'm going to have you teach you math.  
  
Kanbei: Kanbei is too brilliant to require math instruction! I'm throwing you in the dungeon just for suggesting that!  
  
Sonja: Oh no, you're not... *stops as she remembers what happened last time*  
  
A pause.  
  
Kanbei: Not what?  
  
Sonja: Nothing!  
  
Kanbei: I'm not doing nothing? Well, that's a double negative, so that must mean I am doing something! Anyway, THROW HER IN THE DUNGEON!!!  
  
Sonja: Not AGAIN...I just hope the rabid monkey isn't in there again.  
  
Sure enough...  
  
Sonja: Phew! No rabid monkey this time!  
  
Sonja notices a rat foaming at the mouth.  
  
Sonja: Oh great.  
  
The rat starts attacking Sonja.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Hachi: I've decided that money isn't everything, so I'm going to donate all my money to all the needy people in the world.  
  
Employee: Do you really mean that, sir?  
  
Hachi: Of course not! What do you think I am?  
  
Employee (under his breath): A greedy, power-hungry wannabe-monopolist who should be in prison.  
  
Hachi: What?  
  
Employee: Nothing!  
  
-Blue Moon-  
  
Olaf: Now that I'm leader again, I expect everyone to respect me again.  
  
Grit: Olaf, no one ever respected you before.  
  
Olaf (sadly): That's true.  
  
Colin: I finished cleaning all the floors. Can I go to sleep now?  
  
Olaf: Nope. According to these cool cameras I just had made, Rooms 1-10 are still dirty.  
  
Colin: But I cleaned those already!  
  
Olaf: They're dirty again.  
  
Colin: I hate my life.  
  
Olaf: Don't worry, once they're clean you can go to sleep.  
  
Hours later...  
  
Colin: I finished with the rooms. Now what?  
  
Olaf: Rooms 11-20 are dirty again. You'll have to clean them again!  
  
Hours later...  
  
Colin: Done. Finally.  
  
Olaf: Sorry, but the rest of the rooms are dirty now.  
  
Colin: ARGH!  
  
Hours later...  
  
Colin: All right. NOW can I go to sleep? Please?  
  
Olaf: No. The other rooms are dirty again.  
  
Colin: HOW do they keep getting dirty?  
  
Olaf: After you're done cleaning the rooms, we use them for mess halls!  
  
Colin faints.  
  
Olaf: Was it something I said?  
  
Meanwhile!  
  
Lord Seth: Shouldn't that be "meanwhile..."?  
  
Meanwhile! requires fewer characters, and we're running low on funds. We had to cut corners.  
  
Lord Seth: Oh. How else are you planning to cut-  
  
iAdvance Wars 2.5 VIII, Part 9/i  
  
Previously, a bunch of stuff happened, none of which I'll bother to describe.  
  
-Black Hole-  
  
Sturm: We're running out of time! No time for the elaborate foolproof plan I've concocted. Instead, let's just ALL-OUT ATTACK!  
  
Hawke: We tried that two times already! It doesn't work!  
  
Sturm: Third time's the charm!  
  
Hawke: Earlier on you said a million and fifty-sixth time's the charm.  
  
Sturm: Yeah, that's a charm, too!  
  
Hawke: You do know I'm going to kill you, right?  
  
Sturm: What? Did you say something?  
  
Hawke: Er...  
  
Sturm: So let's PULVERIZE THE #$#! out of them!  
  
The Black Hole army (man, they regenerate FAST) goes and tries to conquer Black Hole...er, I mean Wars World, and is crushed.  
  
Sturm: Drat. I have a new plan.  
  
Hawke: *sigh* What?  
  
Sturm: We'll send Lash, Adder, Flak, and you to infiltrate the armies of the other countries. That way we'll know their secrets and can feed them false information, allowing us to conquer them!  
  
Hawke: ...  
  
Adder: ...  
  
Flak: ...  
  
Lash: ^_^ Girl Power!!!!!  
  
Sturm: Don't worry. You'll all be in disguise.  
  
Later in Blue Moon...  
  
Colin: Er...why do I have the strangest feeling I've met you before?  
  
Lash (in a VERY bad disguise): Deja vu?  
  
Colin: Good enough a reason for me! You're in!  
  
Meanwhile!  
  
Worker: Ratings are going down! And down! And down! And down! My only hope to save this story is to end it right now!  
  
Lord Seth: What? When I've just started a new part of the plot?  
  
Worker: Afraid so.  
  
Lord Seth: Well, you know what they say...but I don't.  
  
Worker: So what are we going to do?  
  
Lord Seth: *sigh* Guess I have no other choice. Get me the thingamathingy!  
  
Some people wheel in a...thingamathingy.  
  
Lord Seth: Only one thing to do! Go back to before this story first started and rewrite history so none of this whacky stuff happens!  
  
Lord Seth presses one of the buttons on the thingamathingy.  
  
About 6 years earlier... (give or take an eon)  
  
Nell: Blue Moon has invaded Orange Star?!  
  
Soldier: It appears that way.  
  
Nell: Only one thing to do: Drive them out. But first we need one of those adviser people to help us...  
  
Soldier: Don't worry. I know JUST the person!  
  
The End (for real this time, I promise)  
  
...  
  
Coming soon from Lord Seth: Advance Wars 2.75 AND Advance Wars 1.5!  
  
Lord Seth: Wait a minute, I never promised to do that! I never signed anything! Listen to me here! If you keep on advertising for this kind of thing, I'll quit! I mean it! And fade out already! I'm tired of- 


	10. Credits

(NOTE: If you want the full effects, scroll down in credit-like fashion while listening to some AW2 music while viewing the credits)  
  
Advance Wars 1 and 2 created and designed by  
Nintendo  
Intelligent Systems  
  
Advance Wars 2.5 Credits:   
  
Original Concept  
StarFoxRocks  
  
Creative Consultant  
Vapor  
  
Presented by  
GameFAQs  
Fanfiction.net  
  
Special Thanks  
Sentinel22  
Marsillo  
Lemmy Koopa  
Darkwizard22  
Shigeru Miyamoto  
  
Normal Thanks  
Readers somewhat like you  
  
Advance Wars 2.5 created, produced, developed, designed, supervised, scripted, directed, edited, planned, written, and nearly destroyed by  
Lord Seth  
  
Lord Seth: There! I think that's it! I didn't forget anything, for once!  
  
Grit: Hey! You never included us in the story!  
  
Max: Yeah! I'm angry!  
  
Jess: We characters deserve respect!  
  
Lord Seth: What are you talking about? You're all fictional!  
  
Max: That's what they WANT you to think! It's all a governmental conspiracy!  
  
Lord Seth: Oh, shut up.


End file.
